Clean Blade; Filthy Thoughts

Been clean for eight months now

But it screams for me still.

When the candles blow out,

When the sky glitters,

I battle against my will.

 

A square black box

Surrounds me while the sun sleeps.

But dreams don't call for me,

I lay alone watching the clock,

Fighting the urge to weep.

 

Been clean for nine months now,

But the voices never cease.

Blood rushing through my veins,

Sharp edges in the drawer.

Thinking of street lights and snow,

Denial makes me want it more.

 

No one would know,

It would just be one quick swipe.

It could be over in a second,

Then back to bed I go.

But it could be over in a second,

And every one would know.

 

I've been clean eleven months now.

Save the hallelujahs for the choir,

My sanity is hanging itself by a wire.

I can still feel it,

The sensation of the sin.

I try to sleep soundlessly,

My will is growing thin.

 

I've been clean a year now,

Smile for me,

Lend me your bright face.

I'll wear you as a mask for the frown

I can replace.

I'm sorry I can't stay longer,

My scars are showing.

Visit me next year and ask how it's going.

 

And if I don't respond,

My apologizes, I thought you'd have known.

But be a kind dear,

And leave some flowers on my gravestone.

Author's Note

I used to have a problem; this was written while I was overcoming that problem.