A Whisper In A Hurricane

I feel invisible, translucent and gray, as if I have just realized that all this time I was a ghost. 

There is an eerie lightness in my chest, slowing me like an anesthetic. A permanent unfinished thought brewing in the ether. 

I can’t tell if I like this feeling. I feel foreign and forgotten, like a faded photograph. The air is thicker, like I am swimming in an aimless ocean. 

I don’t think I like this feeling, it makes me feel like a dull blade. Dull blades are less dangerous but also less useful. I don’t like feeling useless. 

I feel like I am missing something. There is some miracle I have yet to see, or some tragedy I have yet to inhale. This feeling might drive me crazy. 

I can’t picture a future. Or a past. Or a present. I live breath to breath, blink to blink. Holding life in my hand like a fragile flame, consumed with fear it will extinguish if I move too much. 

I am motion sick with instability; a constant headache. At least with pain you feel something. There is a dark romance to its crushing heaviness. I am worried if I don’t stay concentrated I will float away. 

I keep begging people to weigh me down through whatever methods they prefer. Kiss me or watch me bleed, whatever works. No one seems to be around when I feel most lonely. I feel oddly accepting of this fact. 

I despise this feeling but it also brings me some sort of pathetic peace. I spent years wondering if I was alive, and now I know I am not. I mourn and grieve but I also rest. I can stop fighting in a battle that never began. 

I check days off the calendar. I walk to class. I master the art of staying sane on the bus. What is it for? What am I waiting for?

I keep conjuring up metaphors, is that all I am now? The knifeless knife block? The lonely tumbleweed? The stray dog? Not a person, only representations, only symbols. A symbol of what? Maybe I dress myself in lies to forget that there is no truth. 

Gratitude keeps slipping through my hands. I am taking vitamins and lighting candles because I am trying to convince myself I care about tomorrow. 

I glance around my bedroom, an epitome of my efforts. Crystals and candles line my dresser tops. Posters meticulously plastered on the walls. Dying plants on my blinded windowsill. A full garbage can. A pile of dirty clothes. Photos and letters in every nook. Too many mirrors. This room feels like another planet. I feel like another planet. 

Hello? Can you hear me? Are you imagining my voice saying this? I’m not, I don’t know what my voice sounds like. 

I feel like a whisper in a hurricane. 

Reviews

[schlanks]

Absolutely amazing. Expressing yourself as a string of metaphors via a string of metaphors. I feel like I can reach out and touch the loneliness. I loved the callback to your previous poems as well. Perfectly in place supporting this work. This is the kind of poem that makes one want to linger.

[nadia dmitri]

(Apologies for the late response) It makes me happy that you recognize the callbacks to other poems, thank you for all of your kind review :)

[emmajoygreen]

'I feel like a whisper in a hurricane. ' Bizarre and frightening, to say the least. Is as if bewilderment and nightmare has hit a woman awake, time turned inside out, living in a place that should be yours but is near foreign. Perhaps ' .. No one seems to be around when I feel most lonely' your nest is full to the brim because you need to be and importantly, feel safe. In the process maybe, you are drowning self, thinking surroundings, possessions are more important than you. Believe me, they are not. You are the emotion that has prompted this poem, these words, and all being willing in the near future will send you up, out and onwards! Yes? Intense, but fine writing, nadia

[nadia dmitri]

(Apologies for the late response) What a thoughtful and encouraging analysis, thank you for your interpretation and kind words :)

[Relic]

This is kind of bizarre in a way. You speak of metaphors. I keep having dreams that I can't find my car in parking lots. The other day, I dreamed my garage was gone. ha

This is really interesting to read. It's like your disappearing, but there are signs you keep getting, almost like someone's trying to tell you something.

[nadia dmitri]

(Apologies for the late response) Those dreams where you can't find your car are very familiar to me, that sort of hazy and eerie feeling is what I was going for. Thank you for your review :)