I Am Just Going To Talk Now, Okay?

Hello? Is anyone out there?

I am just going to talk now, okay?

If someone came up to me and told me I was a part of some experiment where they tell a robot it is human, I would believe them. I don’t know if that makes sense. It's just that I don't feel human. I feel like soft clay or puffed bread dough. I am slowly drooping until I am beyond recognition. 

It feels like no one understands that. The doctors just treat the wounds, not the infection. Why can’t people see how deep the rot goes? 

I have spent my entire life outrunning myself. I am so exhausted. 

I keep thinking about what other people have done by my age. People get married, some people are in jail, some have jobs, some are in the military, some have moved across the world. What am I doing? I am just staring daggers at my privileges. Even my sorrow is ungrateful. My champagne problems could fill a swimming pool and I am not even old enough to drink yet.

Sometimes I think the only thing I am good at is being in pain. I wonder if this is how ghosts feel.

I look at my past and none of it feels real. Nothing at all. It feels like a movie of strangers, or a dream. All that emotion in the moment just blew out like a candle. 

I think that the second you try to be authentic, you have already failed. Isn’t that funny? Authenticity is supposed to be, well, authentic. Not forced or planned or deliberate. I have spent ages telling myself and the people around me that I want to be authentic. But in reality antonyms of “authentic” are the only things that describe me. Forced, planned, deliberate. I am a manufacturing error. 

There are people in my life I don't speak to anymore. A lot, actually. Sometimes I can’t remember why. I think it's like how your eyes adjust to darkness the longer you stay in it, the longer I stay with people the more uneasy I get. The more I stay still the more I realize that all the things I have been running from will catch up with me. 

I don’t think anyone has ever actually known me, because I don’t actually know me. I don’t think there is a me. 

School is done now. I have been looking for a job but no one wants to hire me. What am I going to do? I am dying right in front of everyone, and they keep telling me to go for a walk or meditate. I want to scream at them that fresh air won't revive me. I feel like I need to start over. 

Things never end, they just change. I keep waiting to not feel like me anymore. One day I want to bleed out on the ground, the next I feel like I can change the world. But it always comes back, yes, the sun will rise again but it will set again too. Like clockwork, I am just going through the motions. 

I feel like a dull knife, a playing card lodged in a tree trunk. Have I used these metaphors before? Am I uncreative and uninteresting? I care but I don't. I want you to like me, but even if you do I won’t feel any better. It's all just a game, a role on a stage, a story book. I am not real. 

Look at me. Look at me. I know you don't know me but look at me! My eyes are blue and green and brown. My face is fat and blotchy. My lips are pink. My hair is blunt. My tongue is bitten. 

Look at me. See me. Please, god, someone see me.

I don't have a creative or striking end to this.

Thanks for listening.

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

I am listening. I hear you. Not sure that I can help. I do recall how awful it was at one time of my life though. Like a fish out of water. That’s why I started to write. I needed a creative output. I hope your post gets lots of interest Nadia.

Chris

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you Chris, I always appreciate your reviews :)

[emmajoygreen]

' feel like a dull knife, a playing card lodged in a tree trunk. Have I used these metaphors before? Am I uncreative and uninteresting? I care but I don't. I want you to like me, but even if you do I won’t feel any better. It's all just a game, a role on a stage, a story book. I am not real.

Look at me. Look at me. I know you don't know me but look at me! My eyes are blue and green and brown. My face is fat and blotchy. My lips are pink. My hair is blunt. My tongue is bitten.

Look at me. See me. Please, god, someone see me'

How to review? Read every word above and think for as long as your thoughts are patient enough to try to understand from first world to last. That you will always be you but maybe, perhaps, a more centre yu who has mrore or less found the you.. as much as you want to. The search is yours.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you kindly Emma :)

[Poetic Beauty]

Unfortunately I can fathom the void and the nothingness. The being lonely and feeling forgotten yet not wanting to be around people or make the effort to call or be around people.

It’s a hard place to be and for me it was stress induced and took awhile or my body, mind and spirit to get back to normal. It too a multitude of things to work for me. Being more active, making myself do things, yoga, meditation, sunshine, prayer, and eating slightly better lol. Sometimes people need meditation to help and it’s not defeat when and if they need it.

You are not alone and never think you are. I’m sure there is someone who loves you and you may not realize it.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you for your review :)

[Poetic Beauty]

You are most welcome!! I hope you have a pleasant night or day which ever time it is for you

[Soren]

A plea from the heart that speaks existence. "The doctors just treat the wounds, not the infection. Why can’t people see how deep the rot goes? " a great line that speaks to the core of many world problems as well as personal ones. An existential crisis is what you speak of and more experience it than you would think you are not alone. As for creativity this was a creative work, one I would not have thought of. Keep writing.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you very much for your encouraging words :)

[The_Ancient_Rock]

Wow, a most touching piece.
I am sure you will get lots of people looking at you.
Yes, some of us are still out here.
Very well written.
Keep it up. Take good care.
😄

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you very much :)

[The_Ancient_Rock]

You are so welcome.
😄

[jacob erin-cilberto]

I feel my creative bones have rusted.
I get where you are coming from and the need to write this.
Sometimes we just have to to move us away from that edge.
j.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you Jacob :)

[Lorry]

I like how you start this and move on to the robot question you accept, because you can maybe put the answer to that down to age, but I remember that feeling all too well and I am on the wrong side of my fifties now.
Perhaps your answer lies in asking the question "but what is this authentic I speak of" because as the years pass perhaps you, like me will come to the conclusion that what you see in others is just some being better at masking their self doubts better, or perhaps they just don't care.
Maybe you question things more ot care more, but what will get more and more obvious is that some people who you might even look up to have as much doubt and inner turmoil as yourself because it is such a big part of this whole real life thing that we all have to get through without so much as a guide book to show us how.
Getting back to you asking if you are a robot neither proves or disproves you are or are not, but what is clear is that having so many questions without answers proves that you are on the right track and you should question everything, either vocally or in thought, because if we don't, then isn't that just going with what other people think they think, but don't question out of the dear they will embarrass themselves by admitting they don't know.
I also think that if you ever meet someone who tells you they do know the answers, then they are either trying yo sell you something or con you.
Life is never ending questions of self doubt and even at my age, I can truly sat I have no clue if I am human or a robot. I merely exist and whether that is inn real life.com or a programme in the matrix, it doesn't make you or I sny less real whatever the answer truly is.
At least you question the validity of being and whatever that being is, is as real as any one or anything that you are surrounded by.
You would still be you after finding out the answer, so all I could think to do was simply be what or who I am and hope for the best.
I know that isn't much of an answer, but it is an answer of sorts and is the best I can do, except say I heard you loud and clear!

[nadia dmitri]

Such a thoughtful and encouraging review, thank you very much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts :)