Soprano Cries

I used to have bad dreams where I was running in slow motion, or I really needed to get somewhere but my legs suddenly wouldn't work. 

That is what I feel like. This life feels like wearing a thick coat or boots that are too big for me. 

I don't fit in the world I am living in right now. Breathing feels like choking, every step is a struggle. 

I feel like I am in the eye of a giant storm. I am trying to fight my way out of it, trying to lean my body in a way that I can slice through the forceful air like a man’s biting words. But the storm is tranquilizing me like a hunted animal. My muscles feel like they are made of lead and my joints are frozen solid. 

I can't even scream. The words are swirling like a tornado in my head but my throat cannot translate them into any discernable language. 

That is the worst part. I feel like a baby who doesn't know how to talk yet and can only vaguely request things with their soprano cries, I have no way to expel my pain. I feel invisible.

That is how I am feeling right now. I was trying to sleep at a decent time tonight but even succumbing to slumber was inhibited by this apathetic anesthetic. I have sat up, abandoned my hope, and opened my computer to write this. 

This is the closest I can muster to a scream. These words on this fluorescent page. 

I can barely breathe in the storm's thundering winds. My limbs feel like they're being controlled by a hurricane probably named after a woman. 

I keep thinking about all the ways I could go crazy right now. Stomp around the house, start driving until the morning, smoke a cigarette, slap someone, f**k someone I don't know, set a building on fire. I could probably do all those things if I really tried. But I don't. 

I know that tonight I will eventually fall asleep. I will wake up tomorrow and continue to walk around and smile and function as if I am not living in a bad dream. As if I am not aching to scream. 

I find that disappointing almost, how such violently vivid feelings can exist inside me and still not be enough to actually make anything happen.

Maybe I have never felt out of control because I have never felt in control.

Reviews

[emmajoygreen]

Killer but sad as heck final line.. Your entire post is raw and near desperate. Surely some kind of relaxation could/might help free your sad, sad tension. All those worries and fears need melt into a stream of gently rippling calm. Meditation, yoga - walking outdoors, inhaling clean air. perhaps. If you play piano or any kind of musical instrument? Have you heard of Yoga laughter - is strange but can work?!

Am here quite often, get in touch if you'd like to.

[nadia dmitri]

That is such a sweet offer. Thank you for the ideas. I have tried yoga as of late and found it helpful. Thank you as always :)

[emmajoygreen]

More than welcome, my friend. Smile weekend long, please. :)

[Poetess]

I’m in awe. Your writing is so raw, so visceral. When reading, I’m living every moment with you, experiencing every panic, and self-assessment. This is one of the most profound, introspective pieces I’ve read.

[nadia dmitri]

What a kind message, thank you so very much for your words I appreciate it so much :)

[Soren]

A most graphic description of panic and fear that accompanies it filling the brain with thoughts and images of the worst while paralyzing the body. I loved the last line "Maybe I have never felt out of control because I have never felt in control." A great summation.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you for that analysis and compliment :)

[zain danyal]

absolutely stunning, achingly heartbreaking. It's like the poem itself has awareness of the human condition. Also, "apathetic anesthetic", that's just awesome man.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you so much friend :,)