i'm not gay.

reinstated

I’m not gay because it’s the popular thing to do.

I don’t like the labels and the titles that make their way ...

along the hallways of whisper and refrain

I’m not some spoiled brat trying to defy ...

mommy and daddy and all the saints.

I’m not looking for an excuse ...

To lay out on some overpaid shrinks couch ...

tell my life story, blame it on my childhood

and waste perfectly good tissue.

 

I’m not gay because I’m mad at boys

(well, maybe I am)

and I’m not confused about who I am ...

Because someone told me it was the thing to do,

because I live a little too close to P-town

or because I’m aspiring to win some award ...

as newcomer of the year in Playboy or Hustler.

 

I’m not gay because I kissed a girl

(or two, or three)

and I’m not gay because she (they) kissed me too.

And I’m not tearing my family to pieces because I think it’s good for the kids.

In fact, every now and again, I wonder if it’s the thing to do ...

If maybe, for my husband’s sake,

I could just muddle through.

The thing that re-assures me and keeps me sane.

The piece of the puzzle that rears it’s lesbian head:

 

I’m not gay for any other reason than this...

No one has ever moved my pen,

like that girl, like any girl.

the feeling that I get ...

the reason that my keyboard stays up late at night

I am not gay because I choose to be

I am gay because I can finally write.

 

Reviews

[Nick Erickson]

This is absolutely wonderful, your true feelings and thoughts laid out on "paper".
The fact that you laid down, even your second thoughts or doubts in this piece, show that you are being sincere and honest with yourself... who cares what anyone else thinks... the important fact in this piece is your honesty with yourself.

"In fact, every now and again, I wonder if it's the thing to do ...
If maybe, for my husband's sake,
I could just muddle through."

Very well done, your emotions and feelings out here for all of us to read. Excellent.

[SweetPeachesAlways]

I love it, simple and yet it says so much...

[rachel D]

this piece is deep- it's even deeper than deep, if that makes any sense at all.
my favorite of all i've read from you thus far. it's like a story because it's so full but much easier to swallow because of it's format. it leaves me with so many questions and gives me so many answers at the same time. that is rare. it's you putting yourself out there. letting us all see.
i absolutely love love LOVE when people do this- and not everyone can. it's brave and not always easy but it's writing like this that reminds me of the power that lies in honesty.
thanks for sharing this with us.

[Colleen C Dunphy]

Aw, you made me cry again.
I am glad that I could inspire you with my affirmation. I would love to work on a poem from my affirmation as well, but my training proposal for work must come first.
After that you are at the top of my list.
:0)
Damn those women and making us stay up late.

[Kat Williams]

Bravo!!! Absolutely wonderful.. Can I claim this because its me. This so fits right now..in this debate on a message board about being gay and this would just slide in as an ending to an argument. U've inspired me today..thanks

[Jared Kardos]

Great piece. Very real. I especially like the last two lines: creativity does seem to flow a lot better when the dams of self-deceit are broken down.

Good job. :)

[Avoiry]

I love this i really truly do because i can relate to it in a way. You can't help what drives your creativity and its not a sickness or a popularity contest. It is what it is and their is no shame in any of it. Keep writing and nice work.

[.]

LoL, I think that this was so awesome!! Finding out what or who we truly are is a pretty adventurous experience. And in the end, it can be very, very rewarding. Beautiful write :)

Mikey

[Dawn Jones]

*pounces and hugs* I love hearing things like this. You are a beautiful write and a beautiful woman.

[Marie]

Great write Haden. Way to be yourself!