Okay

Another burst of laughter piles out of the group. We are laughing, smiling and goofing off. Average teenagers, being loud, screaming to one another no matter how close, or far away. The jokes keep coming, the laughter follows. I'm truly not listening, I follow the group when we smirk, when we giggle and when we full out laugh. I cant take my focus off you. Your smile, the way your eyes turn up with every smirk. The way your throat moves when you swallow. before you can catch me i look away, to the wall and i think, how i wish you were mine again. i needed your eyes back into mine. Your smile directed at me. I was an idiot before, pushing you away, when i needed you most. I wouldnt let you in, tell you what was going on, what i was dealing with.

 At the time i thought i could handle anything, that my life was going perfectly. Until the day i got home to my dad crying over the letter my mom left him. The one telling him that she needed more time to think, to travel the world, and they got into this too fast. My poor father, leaning, helpless. My life was never the same. He wanted me to be happy, so he put me through too many activities. He enrolled me in sports: soccer, basketball and volleyball. He made me take courses way above my level. I became stressed, overly stressed.

 I could handle the stress, i could. But when i came home from a soccer practice early, i found why i was enlisted in the sports. So my father could drink, drink, drink away his problems. I cant forget any detail from this night.

 "Why the hell are you home?" This wasn't the same father, i didnt see the innocence in his eyes, only darkness.

" Um, practice finished early" I mumbled, too quietly.

" Are you telling me i paid f*****g money for you to just leave whenever you want?" His rumbly voice, loud, overpowering.

"I'm sorry, i didnt know" I looked at all the bottles," do you want me to help you clean up?" I reached for one of the bottles but he grabbed my arm, leaving a tatoo of pain. I winced and tried to get away, "daddy, why are you hurting me?"

He threw my arm back to my body, now limp.

 That was the first time he bruised me. But not the last. Thats when i broke down, i cried myself to sleep, took pills, harmed myself, with anything sharp in sight. I was too stressed to eat, or, that was my excuse. I could never be happy at home, or at all with my body being bruised daily. I couldnt look at myself. I wanted to be better, but i never got to that state, i just couldnt handle it.

So see, weeks later, when you asked me to go out with you, i thought of an excuse, a getaway. Nothing more. No feelings. You were my escape. Until you wanted me to share, share why I was sad, why i was in pain. I just... couldn't. So i broke it off, the biggest mistake of my life.

  Now that I have my life together, my eyes are now open to the incredible human being you are. How you could make anyone laugh with your awkward charm. How you could be the kindest person in the world. and my stupidity screwed it over.

  Another burst of laughter crashes my train of thought. My eyes are blurry with salty liquid, but i put on a fake smirk and chuckle it off. When i glance around, i find you looking at me. Looking in my eyes.

"you okay?" How can those two words make my heart stop beating. Make me think for a moment, just a moment, that you do care, you care about me.

"yeah, I'm okay." I choked out, "I'll be right back" I said to the group, and quickly dashed into the hallway. The bursts of laughter comforted me, letting me know no one was coming. I ran down to the end of the hall, to the steps at the end. I collapsed on the second stair. I broke down, i cried and cried. I couldnt believe i was about to let you go, let you leave the school, to a sea of girls. I couldnt let that smile leave, people have left my life before, never have i felt this way.

"so, what is it? whats wrong?" The sweet sound of your voice startled me. but in a way, i was glad. Someone followed me. You followed me. You knelt down to my level. I can see those beautiful dark eyes. You wiped the tears from my eyes and held my chin.

"I.. I want you" i said it. I got it out, i can't believe the words left my mouth. "I know we sort of had a thing, but i never knew you and now i cant stop thinking about you, how kind you are, i want to know you more, i wish i was in a closer state with you, because it feels different with you an-" you interupted me with your lips, but not with words, with the connection of our bodies. You felt it too? all along? whatever this was, i know from now on, i would be okay.

 

Author's Note

dont mind the choppiness and crappy grammar

Reviews

[Jess Holden]

I'm in love with it