The Feeling of Nothing

Wrote this piece after losing someone close to me. Its something I feel everyone struggles with at some point...

Why is it that every word I speak, every step I take, every choice I make effects everyone around me? And why do I, of all people, have to realize it and take responsibility? Why can I not just go on with life and not pay attention to the ripples I create? Life would be so much easier if I just didn't care, but I care so much… Even the smallest of choices have catastrophic effects… I intentionally distance myself from my family in order to protect them from the hurt I could deal them, but by distancing myself I've hurt them just the same… Is it better to hurt a little and only love a little or to love so much that the pain caused burns like the fires of hell ripping and rending at your heart… Turn it all off, turn off all emotion and you never have to deal with pain, but then you never get to experience love, joy, happiness… Is it worth it? Can all the good balance out the bad? Or must we constantly strive towards what is right and good only to be shot down, torn down, dragged down by what is wrong, evil. God is supposed to be the way to the top, but he isn't there for me. There is nothing. I feel nothing. I am nothing. Where is God? Where is God!! No, there is nobody here but me and I must choose between having everything only to lose it and feel such sorrow. Or to have nothing, no-one, so that sorrow may never touch me. Stone is what I am and stone I shall be. I choose not to care. Not to love. Not to feel. I choose nothing.

Reviews

[blurred]

This is very well written, you narrate your thoughts and emotions really coherently, and I think everyone can relate to this at some point in their lives, personally I really relate to this now, I like the way you wrote this. Sorry if you're going through a hard time

[aria]

You seem to be writing straight from the heart and that is what makes your work compelling and relatable. You have a talent that if honed could really be used to move others on an even larger scale.

As far as your "choice", I am sorry to tell you, it is one that cannot be made. If only it were a real choice I'm sure many would take it. People seek it through drugs and alcohol all the time but it never "works". We are destined to "feel". Destined to have highs and lows and all the range of emotions in between. I think realizing that the only thing we can control is our own behavior is the best we can hope for. Even our emotions are beyond our control to a certain degree--ah, but what we do with the feelings we have and the "hand" we are dealt in life--that is what we can control. Choosing nothing will leave you with something all the same, it will just be a something that you crafted from fear. Why not craft your life from love instead. Do loving things. Let the rest fall where it may.