When my mother smiles

I wrote this poem from a writing prompt asking to tell about how you feel when your mother smiles. My mother has schizophrenia. Life for us wasn't so easy.

When my mother smiles I am shadowed with pain. I know she feels no happiness, I know she feels no pain. She's like a slate gone forever blank, I don't know how she got this way. 

It's not her fault, I know she's not to blame, skitzophrenia has won her game.

 

I know now why we were always different. My mom was the cool mom because she was always so distant. Looking back I wish she was there, though she did her best I went through life scared. 

A mother is supposed to love and protect, but the disease took over in all respects. 

She lost perspective, she lost control, we were children together out in the cold. 

After anger and resentment I learned for myself, that the darkness in our lives she couldn't help. 

It's an ongoing lesson and a daily struggle living with the truth, while fighting the battle of her own denial. 

She's part of me as I am part of her, we live with a disease that there is no cure. 

When my mother smiles, I smile back, I hide the pain and try to imagine that she is still sane. 

Reviews

[natnickeep]

Thank you both. It's a feeling and a story I have trouble coping with much less talking about..but somehow I found the words. I appreciate you both taking the time to read it and comment. :)

[Ashli The Amazing]

so sad but i loved it [: keep writing

[Dark thoughts]

This moved me in a way that i know is nothing compared to how it effects you. It seems like effortless rhyming which makes it all the more powerful for it.