Home Comes

Home Comes

A Poem by Nikkikid48
"

Heres a poem...it has a lot to do with the odyssey ... and its a sestina

"

Home Comes

A sestina

 

Afar there is a lonely heart

Everywhere and everytime alone

Yearning, learning, seeking; lost

Getting by barely; disgusted by brief content

They want no part of joy until they're home

But joy wants them and so does pain, here they come

 

Forces fight, who will win, battle; souls succumb

Emotion is weak so they weep, they laugh, but hungry is the heart

It seeks a feast none will slake but home

Foreign lands terrible and great try, but they seek theirs alone

Oceans tumble and turn, men die, the sea is content

They are better off, far from home; eternally found, never lost

 

The ruins; remains, carry on, jealous remains, they are the lost

Exaustion mars made men, what is to come

The moon for now takes pity, grants shade, content

To rest the damned; lost of heart

They are oblivious and suffer alone

Lonely Gods toil, they too have no home

 

Fleshy pawns collapse under the weight, the loss, the thought; home

Homeless heavens and pining peoples, who is lost?

Who can name the victor and leave the rest alone

There are few who beckon, come

They're name is none, they're home is heart

The lost wont find them, but find hollow content

 

Guilty, lonely, hungry, when it comes, content

Mortal's minds numb with experience; escape; home

In time they earn a forgetful heart

Dawn will break; one day the sheath is lost

They search again, reminded; hungry, home will come

Not for all in flesh, but one; alone

 

One for all, and all alone

Things have changed; come undone; not moved; not content

The lonely heart is not forgotten, the horizon comes

Underfoot; underneath the skin, it tickles; taunts; home

Familiarity drugs, elated; high he is no longer lost

The soul swells aching for time lost for the heart

 

Heart alone is mourned now

The past is lost with lost content and time

Home comes

© 2008 Nikkikid48


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Reviews

very deep, it flowed well too. keep writing, your good. or as my mom would say ''gifted child''

Posted 11 Years Ago


I thought it was a very heart felt poem, I enjoyed it alot.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Sestinas are fun forms to play in; it offers a lot of opportunity to play with words in slightly different contexts. there are time when you sacrifice clarity in favor of rhythm, though. There's a lot of things going on here... all the different things that home can be... which is something that I can relate to. But don't bend so much to the form that it muddies the message of the poem.

Posted 11 Years Ago


I like it, but it is too wordy. I feel like you are writing entire stanzas looking for the line you really want there. Its a little old timey for me, but your language is eloquent and beautiful. I would take out alot of my pronouns. You use "they" alot and I would be happy to see another term in its place. It is repetitive and not specific enough. Other than those little drawbacks, it is a beautifully written and thoughtful poem.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Hi Nikkikid48,

This is a very good poem. This is the second poem of yours that I've read and reviewed. You have talent. Now it's time to work! I should say "work more", because it's plainly evident that you've already put in lots of work. It shows! Really!

The sestina (probably should be capitalized in the title) is an amazingly hard form to attempt. You've got guts. It's also cute that in the second verse you took "poetic license" and ended a line in "succumb" when you should use "come". Actually, I like it.

Okay, what's the criticism? Well, this is simply a hard form. Some of the lines and ideas are stretches. I know you know which ones they are. You can read, you know the poem, and you've thought about it more than anyone else. So fix them. This is VERY hard. You have a big job. Is it worth it? That's for you to decide. I myself would groan at the thought.

Currently I'd rate this as a 70, or so. The effort is marvelous. You could probably take this to an 85 with lots of work. With tremendous work, which will require thinking outside of the box, i.e., changing content a lot in places, you could get this to over 95. That will be hard.

Anyway, this is a very fine poem already. Of the poems I've read on WritersCafe, you're in the upper 10% so far (my opinion--take it for what it's worth) ,unless I run into a veritable gold mine in the very near future. Considering your age and experience, if you work on developing your poetry skill further, you will be a very fine poet indeed.

I enjoyed the read.

Best regards,

Rick

Posted 11 Years Ago


ugh. that's really. really. good. probably the first thing on here that i've read and really. read over again. i mainly use this to store my stuff... not to look for other people but wow. you put my work to shame lol

seriously, i think its perfect. the structure, the epic, mythic almost allusions. congrats

Posted 11 Years Ago



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Added on June 22, 2008

Author

Nikkikid48
Nikkikid48

NY



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I need help with my writing. I wont bother myself with anything witty here. Please help with the tough stuff! :) more..

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