Beyond

Beyond

A Poem by Nikkikid48
"

The perfect place

"

"Beyond"

 

Somewhere,

Beyond this life and me,

Theres perfection

 

Somewhere,

Beyond the pain and fear,

Theres salvation

 

It's there

With blue crisp green pearl waves

My place, my sanction

 

Imagine lying beneath; beyond

Dont take a breath, you wont need it, you couldnt catch it anyway

Its a soundless womb, a starless tomb

well beyond

 

Stay with me; somwhere

Look up, look out

The sea is here, its time

Be; and begin to see

 

Look up beyond and feel the light

The sun and soon the moon

Hear the soundless soft sweet beat the mother, perfect, swoon

 

Beyond just stay,

Dont come to soon

But feel the depth

The drenched sea tune; Beyond

© 2008 Nikkikid48


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Featured Review

This poem has a nice feeling. It starts out very strongly. You should decide if you want to put in punctuation and then stick with your rule. As it is, you put in punctuation some places (incorrectly at times) and leave it out in others. For example I wouldn't really change the first verse, because it's beautiful and works very well, but I would punctuate it, i.e.,

Somewhere,
Beyond this life and me,
There's perfection.

The commas aren't so important, but the absence of the apostrophe in "There's" ruins the "perfection". You should also decide if you what to capitalize letters as in a sentence or at the beginning of each line. I like the former better, but that's a matter of taste.

The second verse is as beautiful as the first. I'd only put in punctuation:

Somewhere
Beyond the pain and fear,
There's salvation!

I don't know if you'd agree with the "!" at the end, but that's for you to decide.

In the third verse, I think there is a problem. First, does that ";" really belong there. It really affects the meaning. Did you mean instead a simple comma? Also, do you really mean "sanction" as in "authoritative permission or approval, as for an action", or do you mean something like "sanctuary"? I can see it going either way depending on what this poem is really about--see comments on the final verse, below.

In the fourth verse, "couldn't" needs an apostrophe.

Fifth verse: spelling mistake on "somewhere". Punctuation can really help here too. There are several possible meanings and different feelings that the words can suggest. The punctuation will ensure I get the ones you intend. Also, I'm having real trouble with "The sea is here, its time / Be; and begin to see". What does this mean? The word "Be" is really throwing me off.

Sixth verse: Another beauty. Punctuation will help.

Last verse: This is nice too. Now here is the delicate bit. This verse suggests (and I don't know if it's so) that this poem might be about the sexual act. If it is, this needs to be more obvious toward the beginning of the poem, and the whole of the feeling of the poem changes; we don't want to discover this at the end. If not the words need to be changed so as not to suggest this.

This is a very nice poem. With a little more work it can be a tremendous poem. At this point I'd give it a rating of 80 because it's so nice already. Fixed up this will be around a 95. (Sorry, I haven't looked to see if you wanted ratings, but there it is.)

Great work.

Best regards,

Rick







Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Very very nice, I love this poem, great work

Posted 10 Years Ago


Wow! I really like this...just so beautiful...loved the imagery, loved the way you've woven magic with your words!
A truly wonderful write altogether...
great work...keep it up and just keep those words flowing!

regards
Barricade

Posted 10 Years Ago


I really like this! It's good and has meaning.

Posted 10 Years Ago


This poem is written very strongly, i like the depth you use in this poem, very well done, it sure caught my attention as i read it and kept it there all the way through :D

Posted 11 Years Ago


This poem has a nice feeling. It starts out very strongly. You should decide if you want to put in punctuation and then stick with your rule. As it is, you put in punctuation some places (incorrectly at times) and leave it out in others. For example I wouldn't really change the first verse, because it's beautiful and works very well, but I would punctuate it, i.e.,

Somewhere,
Beyond this life and me,
There's perfection.

The commas aren't so important, but the absence of the apostrophe in "There's" ruins the "perfection". You should also decide if you what to capitalize letters as in a sentence or at the beginning of each line. I like the former better, but that's a matter of taste.

The second verse is as beautiful as the first. I'd only put in punctuation:

Somewhere
Beyond the pain and fear,
There's salvation!

I don't know if you'd agree with the "!" at the end, but that's for you to decide.

In the third verse, I think there is a problem. First, does that ";" really belong there. It really affects the meaning. Did you mean instead a simple comma? Also, do you really mean "sanction" as in "authoritative permission or approval, as for an action", or do you mean something like "sanctuary"? I can see it going either way depending on what this poem is really about--see comments on the final verse, below.

In the fourth verse, "couldn't" needs an apostrophe.

Fifth verse: spelling mistake on "somewhere". Punctuation can really help here too. There are several possible meanings and different feelings that the words can suggest. The punctuation will ensure I get the ones you intend. Also, I'm having real trouble with "The sea is here, its time / Be; and begin to see". What does this mean? The word "Be" is really throwing me off.

Sixth verse: Another beauty. Punctuation will help.

Last verse: This is nice too. Now here is the delicate bit. This verse suggests (and I don't know if it's so) that this poem might be about the sexual act. If it is, this needs to be more obvious toward the beginning of the poem, and the whole of the feeling of the poem changes; we don't want to discover this at the end. If not the words need to be changed so as not to suggest this.

This is a very nice poem. With a little more work it can be a tremendous poem. At this point I'd give it a rating of 80 because it's so nice already. Fixed up this will be around a 95. (Sorry, I haven't looked to see if you wanted ratings, but there it is.)

Great work.

Best regards,

Rick







Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Wow! A beautiful, gentle, moving poem with lots of stunning, sentimental imagery. Highly metaphorical and colorful. I especially With blue crisp green; pearl waves'- so pretty! You have a very neat, precise style of writing, and it doesn't waffle anywhere. You don't need to edit or clean this up at all, its perfect.
Well done!

Posted 11 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Very good, I applaud. It makes my mind want to wonder and search for new places. Thank you for sharing.

Posted 11 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I think you are a great writer, keep it up. Orlando Murcia

Posted 11 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

its calm, I really like your imagery. Your use of natural serenity is peaceful and makes the poem flow very well. Its not tiring or frustrating at all to read. A few word choices put the brakes on in a few places, but overall, this is a beautiful poem. Reading it was like taking a deep breath. I dont understand it exactly, but alot of the time, who gives a s**t? It was very well done.

Posted 11 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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9 Reviews
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Shelved in 1 Library
Added on June 22, 2008
Last Updated on June 24, 2008

Author

Nikkikid48
Nikkikid48

NY



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I need help with my writing. I wont bother myself with anything witty here. Please help with the tough stuff! :) more..

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