The Door Knob.

A man is interrupted on his usual morning journey by a strange character, who knows more about him than he'd like... This is a play about self doubt, love and the in-between.

(The Door Keeper stands by his post, swaying his weight onto their toes and to his heels over and over again. They squints, look to their left, and rub their brow. He begins to whistle to the tune of "You can't always get what you want" by the Rolling Stones. Gregory strolls casually on stage, not noticing the Door Keeper.)

GREGORY: (His walk slows down.) Oh s**t, the balloons! How could you forget the bloody balloons.  Great. Veronica’s gonna kill me. S**t, er… Mate, you got the time?

DOOR KEEPER: Got the time?

GREGORY: Yeah.

DOOR KEEPER: (Laughs to himself) Pah! That’s an odd question now, isn’t it?

GREGORY: (Pause) Excuse me?

DOOR KEEPER: Well nobody’s “got the time”, do they?

(Gregory looks baffled, staying silent, stepping back slightly from the strange man.)

DOOR KEEPER: Not as far as I’m aware, anyway.

GREGORY: Whatever. You know what I mean.

DOOR KEEPER: Do I? But I don’t know you, how could I know what you mean?

GREGORY: Look mate, I'm in a rush here. Do you have the time or not?

DOOR KEEPER: (Pause.) It’s 1:25 in the afternoon.

GREGORY: No it’s not.

DOOR KEEPER: I’m sorry?

GREGORY: You said that without even looking at your watch.

DOOR KEEPER: Whose to say I didn’t look at my watch before I started talking to you?

GREGORY: Did you?

DOOR KEEPER: Perhaps.

GREGORY: (He begins to walk off, mumbling to himself) F*****g time waster…

DOOR KEEPER: Where are you going?

GREGORY: I actually have a thing I need to getting to, mate. Hence, asking for the time.

DOOR KEEPER: Oh, no need to worry about that.

GREGORY: Worry about what?

DOOR KEEPER: That thing. Christ no, no hurry at all.

GREGORY: How would you know?

DOOR KEEPER: Because you’ve already missed it.

GREGORY: Mate, are you high or something?

DOOR KEEPER: Did you hear what I said? You missed it.

GREGORY: No, but I’m going to miss it if you keep yabbering on at me! (He begins to walk off again) Right, so I reckon it’s about 10 to 11…

DOOR KEEPER: Gregory.

(Gregory stops and turns to the Door Keeper.)

GREGORY: How do you know my name?

DOORKEEPER: Ah crap, too soon.

(The Door Keeper slowly raises his arm, pulling up his sleeve.)

DOOR KEEPER: Look. Look at my watch, if you don’t believe me.

(Gregory steps forward to peat at his watch. He is convinced it is wrong.)

GREGORY: Stop kidding with me mate.

DOOR KEEPER: Why would I lie about the time?

GREGORY: But I checked the time when I left, like literally 10 minutes ago or something. How-?

DOOR KEEPER: Yeah, trust me, it’s not going to become any less confusing.

GREGORY: Excuse m-

DOOR KEEPER: Tell me, what were you doing 10 minutes ago?

GREGORY: Why?

DOOR KEEPER: Humour me.

GREGORY: (flustered) Brushing my teeth, locking up the flat before heading to work for Anne’s leaving do.

DOOR KEEPER: And then you…

GREGORY: Stopped by Tesco, got a newspaper, forgot the balloons-

DOOR KEEPER: And then you…

(Gregory is speechless.)

DOOR KEEPER: There it is.

(The Door Keeper glances at the door.)

DOOR KEEPER: You can sit down, if you like.

GREGORY: How can you just- ? It’s like my brain’s gone blank.

DOOR KEEPER: Yeah, that happens.

GREGORY: That can't be right... Who are you?

DOOR KEEPER: Take a seat.

GREGORY: I'm not taking a seat until you tell me what's going on. And why is there a door in the middle of the street?!

DOORKEEPER: It's a rather long story.

(Gregory walks to him at the door, about to open it)

DOORKEEPER: Ah ah ah, I wouldn't do that just yet.

GREGORY: Yet?

DOORKEEPER: You, my friend, are not ready. Like I said, it's a long story.

GREGORY: This feels like one of those dreams when you can't remember how it starts or something. (relieved) This can't be real then!

DOOR KEEPER: Of course it's real. We're not in a Tim Burton movie or something.

(Gregory is looking around the stage, pacing.)

What are you looking for?

GREGORY: well if this is real, like you say, there has to be something to prove it. A sign or something.

DOORKEEPER: Nope, sorry to disappoint. That's not how this stuff works.

GREGORY: I wonder... (he takes off a shoe, count his toes.) No extras... (pause, hits himself in the face with his shoe and grunts. The doorkeeper watches. Gregory hits himself with his shoe again, and pinches himself. Checks his belly button is there, gasps quickly, then realises he was searching too high and it's still there.)

GREGORY: I'm trying to wake myself up, if you were going to ask.

DOORKEEPER: I thought about asking, but this is just far too entertaining to interrupt. Continue. (Gregory throws his shoe at the doorkeeper.) Hey!

GREGORY: If you're not going to help me and tell me who you are, where we are and what the hell is happening just, shush. Go stand by your precious door or something.

DOORKEEPER: You're not really giving me a chance here, are you? Sit down for a second.

GREGORY: Answers first.

DOORKEEPER: (quick) Your arm.

GREGORY: What?

DOORKEEPER: You said you're looking for something that connects you to reality or something. Your counterpoint. Check your arm. (Gregory looks down, touches his scar, looks at the doorkeeper suspiciously.) Oh yeeeah, I know all about her.

GREGORY: (strokes his scar) ...How?

DOORKEEPER: Part of the job description... (sympathetically) You miss her. How'd you get that again?

GREGORY: (In a trance) she erm... At an office party once, she burnt me with her cigarette by accident. Tripped over her own feet or something, i think she said. We got to talking and stuff. It was the first time we'd really spoken. I'd never noticed her before in that way, not really. Don't know how I didn't notice her. (pause) I thought you said you knew about her?

DOORKEEPER: oh I do, I just like hearing that story.

GREGORY: Have you been following me? Is this some kind of sick joke?

DOORKEEPER: You'll understand in a bit.

GREGORY: Are you... Are you a spy?

DOORKEEPER: No no no. Although... (to himself) no, don't. No, no I'm not.

GREGORY:  You're a knob. You know that?

DOORKEEPER: Oh yeah, 'course.

GREGORY: So, this is real then.

DOORKEEPER: As real as the jacket I'm wearing. And this my friend is 100% leather... 2% zip... And where does the stitching come into that, huh? It's funny how shops brand stuff as '100% something' isn't it? Nothing is truly ever 100% is it? Anyway, going off on a tangerine.

GREGORY: Don't you mean tangent?

DOORKEEPER: In theory, yes, but I prefer the word tangerine. More fun to say. Tangerine. (chuckles) Yes, I know, I'm a knob.

GREGORY: So, where exactly are we then?

DOORKEEPER: For now, I'm just going to call it 'a place' of sorts.

GREGORY: (pause) You're not going to be any more specific than that, are you?

DOORKEEPER: Nope.

GREGORY: Right. So, you're not going to say who you are or where we are... Ok, this door. What is it for?

DOORKEEPER: Oh, that's the best bit, that's why you're here! (pause) I can't tell you.

GREGORY: You're kidding?

DOORKEEPER: Nope.

GREGORY: Not even a clue?

DOORKEEPER: Not yet, Greg.

GREGORY: Again with the 'not yet'. Why?

DOORKEEPER: Like I said. You're not ready. You have be ready for it.

GREGORY: For a door?! (pause) I'm not really getting why I'm here. (pause) Am... am I... You know...

DOORKEEPER: Kind of.

GREGORY: Seriously?

DOORKEEPER: Seriously.

(Silence.)

GREGORY: F**k... Oh my God. So is this... This isn't heaven, is it?

DOORKEEPER: (doorkeeper bursts into hysterics, Gregory remains completely straight-faced. He notices and goes back to being serious.) Oh, you're serious. No, no it's not, don't worry. I like to think heaven is a bit more grand than this.

GREGORY: How did it happen?

DOORKEEPER: Armed hold-up in that Tesco you were in. You tried to help. Saved someone's life, you know. Very exciting stuff.

(Pause.)

DOORKEEPER: Was on the news and all.

(Silence.)

GREGORY: (quietly) I never told her.

(The doorkeeper walks over to him and puts a hand on his shoulder.)

DOORKEEPER: She knew.

GREGORY: How would you know?

DOORKEEPER: just a hunch.

(Gregory suddenly flinches.)

GREGORY: Oi, mate, no need to get all touchy-feely.

DOORKEEPER: What?

GREGORY: I know it was a tender moment and all, but no need to hold my hand.

(The Doorkeeper smiles.)

DOORKEEPER: I didn't.

GREGORY: But you just- woah, there it goes again. (pause) It's like pins-of-needles, but not. I don't know how to describe it. What is it?

DOORKEEPER: Someone is holding your hand.

GREGORY: But you just said that wasn't you.

DOORKEEPER: I didn't say it was me now, did I?

(silence)

GREGORY: But I thought I had- 'passed on'. Who the hell could possibly be holding my hand?

DOORKEEPER: Ah, now, I never said you were dead, did I?

GREGORY: Yes you did.

DOORKEEPER: I said you were kinda dead.

GREGORY: How can you be kinda dead?!

DOORKEEPER: oh geez... (The Doorkeeper sits Gregory down.) Right, this is the bit that people go all coo-coo about, so try to keep up with me. So you're here, by this door, right?

GREGORY: ok...

DOORKEEPER: what if I said you were somewhere else too?

GREGORY: which you're clearly going to say anyway.

DOORKEEPER: yep.

GREGORY: well, I don't know, it's not something you here everyday.

DOORKEEPER: do you believe me?

GREGORY: (pause) I don't want to, but I kind of feel I have to, at this point. So, why exactly am I two places at once? Where else am I?

DOORKEEPER: Gregory, you're in a hospital.

(long pause)

GREGORY: Right. (a beat) Well I suppose that makes sense. Considering the situation. Psychiatric ward? Please say no.

DOORKEEPER: Not the psychiatric ward.

GREGORY: Good.

DOORKEEPER: You're in the ICU.

GREGORY: Ok.

DOORKEEPER: and you're being kept alive at the moment.

GREGORY: by a machine, right?

DOORKEEPER: exactly.

GREGORY: so, I can't breath on my own?

DOORKEEPER: at the moment, it doesn't look likely.

GREGORY: so I'm kinda alive.

DOORKEEPER: yes. I usually refer to it as 'half alive', but since all this bloody twilight s**t, people start going crazy and think their vampires. 'Kinda alive' sounds more... family friendly.

GREGORY: So someone's holding my hand then.

DOORKEEPER: Yes.

GREGORY: someone's keeping me company.

DOORKEEPER: yes.

GREGORY: Woah, I think it's more than one person.

DOORKEEPER: holding both your hands now, right?

GREGORY: yeah, and... I think one of them's stroking my hair! (pause) They came.

DOORKEEPER: Did you ever doubt they would?

GREGORY: I hadn't seen them in a while, not since before new years.

DOORKEEPER: doesn't mean they wouldn't come see you.

GREGORY: Yeah, but what I said... That could've. (pause) I'm a bad son.

DOORKEEPER: Hey, come on now.

GREGORY: I wouldn't even say I'm a bad, exactly, I'm just not- what they wanted.

DOORKEEPER: Well now you're just being dramatic.

GREGORY: How would you know?

DOORKEEPER: It's in the job description.

GREGORY: Well if you know all this stuff about me, like you say you do, surely you know what I'm on about. Or are you going to make me talk about it again, like last time, like you always do, like some f*****g psychiatrist.

DOORKEEPER: Gregory I-

GREGORY: And stop calling me Gregory! You sound just like them, being all superior and thinking they're better than me. Call me Greg.

(pause)

DOORKEEPER: I didn't mean to speak out of line. If I did, I'm sorry.

GREGORY: It's alright mate. Sorry for jumping on you like that. I just instinctively get a bit defensive when it comes to my parents. Habit.

DOORKEEPER: Nah, I get it. They've not been the most encouraging to you. Mind you, you haven't been the best back to them.

GREGORY: Well can you blame me? It's that same old story. They get this stupid idea in their head that their son is going to grow up to be a genius and an over-achiever. How could I ever measure up to that expectation? I'm just average, which is fine for me. Always have been, probably always will be, and they just refuse to get used to this idea.

DOORKEEPER: (jumps excitedly and sit down on the bench next to him) Oh! I have a story that works perfectly with this situation.

GREGORY: (pessimistically) A story? Really?

DOORKEEPER: Yeeep. It's a hum-dinger. So sit back, and get ready to have an epiphany.

(Gregory shifts into a more comfortable position, looking uninterested. The Doorkeeper clears his throat.)

DOOR KEEPER: There was once a ram. This ram wished to grow the biggest, strongest horns, so he could be the biggest strongest ram of his flock, and protect the ewe sheep he loved.

(Gregory laughs to himself at the cheesiness of it.)

DOORKEEPER: Don't interrupt. But many of his flock already had big, strong horns, and little of them believed he could manage the task.

(Women walks on, slows down, looks around confused.)

DOOR KEEPER: and they constantly- (notices woman) oh urm, that's where you want to go, love.

(Exits through door.)

DOOR KEEPER: And they constantly belittled-

GREGORY: Hey! How come she can just go through the sodding door?

DOOR KEEPER: Wait wait wait wait come on now, I hadn't even got to the good bit.

GREGORY: Good bit?! Is this actually-? Stop messing with me, stalling or whatever the hell this is. Let me go, for crying out loud!

DOOR KEEPER: (calmly) You'd really be doing me a favour if you let me finish.

GREGORY: And why do I need to do you a favour? I don't owe you anything.

DOOR KEEPER: hang on-

(Man attempts to exit through door. There is nothing on the other side, just the onstage set continued.)

DOOR KEEPER: will you listen now?

(Man becomes infuriated and overwhelmed with emotion. Slams door shut, opens again, repeats this motion constantly in rage. Door handle breaks off, leaving the door open and swinging. He drops the door handle.

Silence.

Doorkeeper stands, goes over to door and attempts to reattach the handle and close the door; it doesn't work. The door is effectively broken.)

DOORKEEPER: I accept.

GREGORY: Pardon?

DOORKEEPER: well you're obviously torn up inside about this, so, I'm just saying i accept the apology you're about to offer me.

(He says nothing.)

DOORKEEPER: I accept.

(Silence.)

DOORKEEPER: this is a gentle nudge for you to-

GREGORY: Can you just shut up for like, a second? Everything's so much harder to understand right now because I can't think with all your talking. Just stop. Please.

(Doorkeeper slides to the floor next to his door, drops handle next to him.)

GREGORY: I'm sorry about that. I can try and fix it?

DOORKEEPER: Think it's too late for that now, mate.

(Silence.)

GREGORY: I'm ready to hear the rest of the story now.

(Silence.)

GREGORY: ... I'd really like to hear the rest of your story.

(No response.)

GREGORY: (grudgingly) ...please.

(Doorkeeper runs over to sit next to him enthusiastically.)

DOORKEEPER: so, where was I?

GREGORY: (a mimicking tone) There was a little ram who wanted big, strong horns but no one thought he could do it- (the Doorkeeper whacks him around the head) Oi!

DOORKEEPER: Don't be making fun of my story. (Gregory laughs) So, this ram's flock constantly belittled him, to the point his dream had almost disappeared from him completely. But what the ram did not understand at the time, was that the more his dream felt impossible, the more his heart yearned for it. And so the ram fought as hard as he could, to make sure his dream came true. And sure enough, and one day, he finally achieved growing the biggest, strongest horns of them all.

(Pause)

GREGORY: Great story.

DOORKEEPER: ah ah ah, not quite finished. That was just a dramatic pause. Even though it was clear the ram had the biggest horns of them all, some wanted proof he had the strongest, and so one of the eldest rams challenged him to a fight. This was the ram's chance to create a new life for himself, to become better than everyone else, but the ewe he loved was not so keen on this idea. She didn't want him to get hurt, and thought fighting to prove himself was egotistical and vein. The only way he could truly change and prove himself was to lose the fight, for her. At first, the ram was outraged and was convinced the ewe did not understand, but he saw if he won the fight, he would become just like anyone else; obsessed with what people thought about them. So, at noon, he fought the eldest ram of the flock and surrendered, and to everyone watching, he was the same ram he always was. But to his ewe, and himself, he had completely changed. He was the right sort of different.

GREGORY: So... What does it mean?

DOORKEEPER: What do you think it means?

GREGORY: Oh not this again.

DOORKEEPER: This story means something different to everyone who hears it.

GREGORY: You mean, I'm not the first- you've met others?

DOORKEEPER: Did you not see that woman earlier? Of course not, I'm not some figment of your imagination, crazy. I'm here. I'm an... adviser, you could say. Or, what about life lawyer? That sounds way cooler.

GREGORY: (not listening) So this is real then.

DOORKEEPER: Never said it wasn't, did I?

(Gregory stays quiet, reacts to the tingly sensation in his hand again)

GREGORY: Someone's with me again. I don't think it's Mum though, it feels different from before, softer, I don't... (He takes a deep breath in) i think it's her. She came to see me? It feels like...she's holding me. (a new unusual sensation comes to his hand) Ah, I something feels weird. Something cold keeps hitting the back on my hand... and my arm.

(silence)

DOORKEEPER: They're tears, Greg. (long pause) I told you, she knew.

(silence)

GREGORY: I want to see her. Please. Let me see her again. And Dad. Mum. Is there something I can do? Tell me there's something.

DOORKEEPER: You mean, you want to go back?

GREGORY: (A beat) I just want- I can't let- maybe I-

DOORKEEPER: What's stopping you?

GREGORY: Well I was such a big f**k up the first time round, wasn't I? What's to say I wouldn't do it twice in a row.

DOORKEEPER: Because courage, my friend, is being scared to death, but saddled up for the ride anyway. (Pause) Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try. (Pause) Come on, I'm using some of my best lines here!(A beat) The ram Greg... Think of the ram...

GREGORY: (looking at his hand) Yeah. Yeah, ok.

(The Doorkeeper turns his head away so Gregory can't see him but the audience can.)

DOORKEEPER: (Mimicking tone) But I thought you said your life was nothing special and you had nothing to go back to...

GREGORY: What if I've changed my mind?

DOORKEEPER: I'd say you were a knob. (they both laugh) But, if that's what you want, I can help. You're ready.

GREGORY: How?

(The Doorkeeper indicates the door)

GREGORY: (sadly) Oh.

DOORKEEPER: What?

GREGORY: I broke it though, didn't I. So, I'm stuck here?

DOORKEEPER: Ah, what time has taught me, is you should always bring a spare.

(The Doorkeeper pulls out about a door handle and screwdriver from his pocket. He smiles. Fade to blackout.)

 

THE END.

Reviews

[sayed Mudasir Ali]

I mean it is so nice and beautiful that I would congratulate you for what you have written. I will read it more and more and please do share more dramas with me. I am not a writer or something but I am a reader you know....