I'm going to wake up, right?

“When the world is itself draped in the mantle of night, the mirror of the mind is like the sky in which thoughts twinkle like stars.” 

 ~ Khushwant Singh, Delhi ~

 

 

Was there a time when my dreams didn’t come with a sense of foreboding? I can’t recollect. But then it wasn’t really the dreams that bothered me overly much. I never really remembered them when I woke up. So, it couldn’t have been the dreams that scared me. As I went along I came to realize it was the waking hours that terrified me. Moreover, the hours where I sat in wonder at the events unfolding in front of me that felt like the dream. That moment of clarity where I knew, without a doubt, that I had been here before. I had heard these words spoken, I had seen the same people, sitting in the same places and at some point I was going to interact with them. Whether the action was right or wrong, good or bad I was going to play my part. I felt out of control. Like I had no choice. But these were just dreams, right? I was going to wake up in a moment and not remember, truly, what happened. I would be left with impressions of the joy or fear that had been offered. I was going to wake up, right?

 

  The dreams started when I was young. I know, even if I don’t remember. I know because I would sit in these moments watching a world play out in front of me and where I should be basking in the wealth of the newness it felt years old. Like brushing cob webs off a distant memory. I was just going to wake up, right?  Life wasn't going to always be boring and predictable because at some point I just felt in the pits of my spirit I was going to wake up.

 

  Somewhere along the way I found an escape. Where it didn’t matter if I slept or I was awake. Somehow I found a way to make everything new and exhilarating. By consuming mood and mind altering substances I found a new state of existence that lacked a certain awareness and mindfulness. I didn’t have to watch a scene play out in front of me and wonder if I was going to wake up. It was as if I had found my own, comfortable, level of astral projection. I was the master and creator of my reality. And though those days were more insane and dark than anything my dreams could have manifested after some time I found myself praying to wake up. I found moments slipping in where it too felt as though I was dreaming. Was I ever truly going to get away? What I was trying to get away from to begin with, I can’t even remember. Why do I know this isn’t going to end well and, yet, here I am, a willing participant. Or am I? I can’t tell anymore.

 

  When the awareness drifted into oblivion and I found myself on the edge of a drug induced annihilation of my mind body and spirit I began to wonder, I’m going to wake up now, right?I’m going to wake up and be left with the remnants of this insanity but none of the consequences. I’m going to wake up and one day I’ll be somewhere like I am today and just know that it isn’t where I should be, right?

 

  I feel, now, that I am awakening. Not fully awoken. As though I am brushing layers of sleep from my eyes and as I open them they are adjusting to the light of a new dawn. I cannot make out the shapes or voices around me but somehow I know I’m right where I should be. There is no nagging sensation or vestiges of anxiety that I should fear what is to come. The dreams are coming. My waking hours no longer plagued with movies playing before my eyes that I feel I have seen a million times. It is awfully terrifying, mostly, and absolutely invigorating. I find that I no longer feel like a hostage; only captivated by the beauty of the feelings and sensations as an active participant, a willing participant, in this world that is so much more than anything my dreams could have encompassed. 

Reviews

[Jen]

Glad that you took the inspiring quote of Khushwant Singh, the famous Hindi writer i admire the most. Your writing is all about your dreams and struggle with reality. Well, it's a good work. the questions you ask:- "I'm gonna wake up! right?" or "it isn’t where I should be, right?" show your struggle with the fantasy and reality. Thanks.