I'm Sorry for My Mistakes

I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. I'm sorry that I can't be pretty. I'm sorry that I can't be social or athletic or smart. I'm sorry I'm not a rebellious, interesting person, but a boring girl with nothing in her life. I'm sorry I grew up disturbed by my family's way of thinking of others.

When I make a mistake, people judge me. That's why I'm afraid of socializing. People say they're your friends, but one second you're laughing with them, the next they've turned their backs on you. One mistake can still haunt you, and one little thing you did, you get judged for.

So I'm just sorry that I can't be perfect, okay? I'm sorry I don't spend my time out in the world, making friends or going out to a football game or on a date with a boyfriend. I'm sorry I spend my time indoors, hidden away from the harsh judgment of others. I'm sorry I stay home when I could be going to a school party with friends. I'm sorry I have no friends.

I'm just afraid. I'm just scared. People like to judge people because they don't meet their own standards. But even if I make myself believe that fact, it does nothing to my self-esteem. I still feel worthless, and I still feel like I don't belong.

Society is what I hate most.

I don't like what other regular girls like. I'm not interested in boys, makeup, One Direction, or Justin Beiber. I'm not interested in having myself a boyfriend, friends, getting popular, or going out to a party.

I just want what I want. I want to stay home, watch a funny movie, eat as much chocolate ice cream as I want, and I want to do all this without anybody raining on my parade, saying I need friends or a boyfriend or a social life.

I don't want any of that. I don't need friends. I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need popularity or invitations to a party. I just want something I like. I don't want to force myself to like things I hate, and to hate things I like. I'm not going to change just for new friends or a new boyfriend. They all can turn on you in a second when you're not expecting it.

So I'm sorry I'm not perfect with the perfect social life, the perfect friends, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect crappy stuff girls want. I'm a girl, and all I want is to isolate myself from everybody and keep it that way.

Author's Note

Before writing this, I felt kinda worthless and lost, like I didn't belong. (Don't worry, I'm not being bullied or anything.) I just feel like I don't belong in society, you know? Like, I'm born from another planet and I probably would be better off there than here. Sorry if this is so full of emotional crap, but it's all true. I have social anxiety, OCD, OCPD, and I'm anti-social. It's hard for me, but I manage in my everyday life. I just got emotional after I made another mistake of mines.