Reaching for a Zenith

September 18, 2006

     It's depressing how dependant upon others I have become as of late. Knowing very few people, it's become hard not to submerge myself into a sea of faces. Without them, I am an unknown vessel just floating along with the current. Without making an effort to get to know others and be known by them, I am only known to myself. It is easy to be alone, but not the most desirable of states. My state of mind suffers with its intellectual lonliness.

     The sun is setting now- on the day and my sanity. There is only anxiety inside my soul as I wait for something to give meaning to my life. Pathetic, I know. Only I can establish the meaning that I long for. And, still, I wait without strength to do much else. Self-sufficiency is a work in progress. Just last year I was so close that I could taste it. Now I am left with nothing but a faint memory of the confidence I once possessed. Such things work in cycles.

     There is a chill in the air that clings to my skin. Summer is dying with only a few days left. The mosquitoes try to sneak in their last meals. They dance with excitement around me- the main course. But I kill them before they get the chance to indulge. Wretched creatures. I show them no mercy.

     This time of year holds the most memories for me and promises that many more are to be made. It isn't any wonder that Autumn marked the new year on the pagan calendar. I feel as though the Earth's energy is building in expectation of that sacred day. I can feel it working inside of me like electricity. Perhaps that is the reason for my anxiety. My heart is full of expectations that may never be realized, yet I still retain some hope that they may be met. It is the only dream that I have to hold onto.

     Venus appears before me in the luscious blues and purples that are the sky at twilight. It is my whimsical desire to wrap myself in those colors. In my mind they are as smooth as silk and weightless as an Autumn breeze. That shining goddess has offered me hope at last. Soon Artemis will join Her and my night will be complete. Oh, what solace can be found in the simple graces of nature! They bring peace to a heart of many pieces.

     Shadows are falling dark now. My hand can be seen in three shades of gray as it strays across the paper. Even the dullness of the world has suddenly become beautiful to me. Now that I have separated myself from the noise of the day, I am finally able to discover myself. In reality, I haven't been giving myself enough time lately. I have been expecting everyone else to give it to me when I should be that provider. The dimensions of the shy have faded to a foggy purple with the light of the city. I've found my calm. It is time formy departure.