11

I found myself on my knees, begging God to take away the headache, asking Him what was going on.

And that's when I experienced an entire new side to my God. Never in my life have I felt Him so ANGRY at me. I felt the heat. I can't explain it, but He came down on me hard. I was in trouble.

Normally I can plead my case and pray my way through a tough situation, asking for grace and mercy. It's not that those things were not there for me. It's that I needed to learn this important lesson. Like a parent who whips up on the child they love enough to discipline. That's what I got.

I kneeled there on the floor, bawling more and more, hearing Him say one thing after the next. That I had disobeyed Him. That I had neglected to heed His warnings. That I allowed pride and vanity in once more.

As I felt His presence, I bagged up all my paints into a trash bag, ready for the dumpster, continuing to cry the entire time, my head still pounding, Leah asking through the door, "Mommy are you ok?"

I not only loaded up all the paints, but the painting as well, and drove them to the dumpster. It was empty, so I tossed the painting on in, face down, slamming it down in there. Then I drove back home, and faced God once more.

I felt His anger subside, and took this opportunity to plead my case. I said, "God I am breaking, I can't do this anymore. It's too much. My life is too much."

He said, "Judgement has been set."

and

"You are going to be very ill, but I will save you."

 

I started bawling once more. I asked him what was wrong, and He said it was my brain. I asked Him to be more specific, and He said the thing about fluid build-up. But I cut Him off after that. I didn't want any further diagnosis.

I then said, "God my life is too much, please fix it. You put so much into me, I have so much to say but no way to say it, I'm exhausted and scared and broke and stressed, I can't go on like this. Please either take away my life as I know it, do whatever you have to do, remove my arms and legs and make me immobile, give me a situation where I don't have to think about money or bills and just let me share what You put into me to share, OR, make me normal, take all the spiritual stuff away, and give me a normal happy life, a family, a yard and fun and food and a dog again. God I can't live in two different worlds at the same time anymore."

He said, "I will give you both."

?

So I took this to mean, I was going to meet my Prince, but then all my limbs were going to rot off, and I'd be a stump. I was like, "Thank you?"

I really did think that. When He said that He was going to give me both, I really did think He meant, at the same time.

Am I missing something here? Like, a functional brain? Do you see why He has to handle me like I'm in kindergarten?

I finally calmed down, and thanked Him for not letting me get away with anything. And He said,

"You have chosen your purification."

 

 

 

...btw~ come to find out, He judged in my favor.

 

 

"Your thoughts toward Me are good, but you do not spend enough time with Me."

"I have so much to show you, will you not commune?"

 

Cup 4~ nervous breakdown

 

2005 and '06 were the most intense and amazing years for me, spiritually. I was flooded with dreams and visions. Flooded.

I knew it was coming, but I had no idea what to expect. God had me cornered in that little white house. He showed me so much during that time. And a new thing started too. He started showing me things about other people. And what's more, I was supposed to tell them! As in, find a way to roll it all up and let them know that the Living God had something to say to them. I was... baffled. I was like, God, You have absolutely GOT to be kidding me. As if!

In the past, I had been given dreams and warnings of things to come, and I'd always share them when necessary. Most of the time it's just so I can pray. He even told me that one time when I was freaking out about all of it. He said, "You must remember that I show you these things so that you can pray." So it's not like I'm supposed to be some detective and figure out what it all means, it's more like, He helps me know who and what to pray for.

But there are times when He shows me things that are specifically for other people, and He does not clue me in as to the meaning. This started in '06. Hit me upside the head with a string of visions and dreams for this one guy, this interesting guy who made me want to grab a banjo and run off with the gypsies. I tried not to flirt with him but he was too cute. It all sort of took off and next thing you know we're talking and going out, not seriously, but you know. Then my head was flooded with vision after vision regarding him, and not only that, but I had to tell him! Talk about confusion! How do I do that? And do I even want to? I was like God, he's cute, and I want to have fun, nevermind the fact that I'm old enough to be his ...big sister?

But I had to do it. And I did. Blew my mind. It was during this time that I started to lose my balance a little. I started to hesitate when going into prayer. I started to slack off. The truth was, I scared myself. I was in that little neighborhood where all kinds of questionable things took place. It was all starting to get to be too intense. 

One day I was just laying in bed, and I just churned out a short little half-way prayer, I just told God I loved Him, and left it at that. And He said, "Your thoughts toward Me are good, but you do not spend enough time with Me."

Come to find out, that was the answer. Prayer. Too simple.

But I was blind. All I saw was how intense it was getting. I really didn't want to mess with it. I wanted to go at my own slow pace. I totally overlooked the fact that in His presence is comfort. So what if He wants to show me stuff. I can take comfort in knowing it's all in His will and He's got me covered, no matter what.

I knew all of this. But I still chose to let fear get hold of me.

 

Fear or no fear, that didn't stop God. He kept on whether I was up for it or not. He showed me so much. I was given a series of visions regarding the times to come, one after the next. I wrote them down as I saw them. By fall of '06 I had an entire page filled up with them. Up until this point in time, I just shared them here & there, but now it was pressed on my heart to do something more with them, to put them all together, print them up and share them with a handful of people. Like, officially come out of the closet and be public.

Not only that, but it was also time to share the vision I had for J.

 

I was a nervous wreck. Anxiety waves flooded my entire being.

Because I chose to operate out of my own strength rather than take God up on His continual gentle call for me to spend more time with Him in prayer.

 

 

 

On Friday, September 15, as I sat on my couch and sipped my tea, I wondered just how to tell J. what I saw. It was important. But I had no idea how to do it. Call him? Go see him? Or, seeing as how his birthday was in a week, how about send him a birthday card. And just sort of slip it in there. And that's what I did.

I was like, "Hi J., hope all is well, blah blah blah, and oh by the way, _____".

Yeah. Am I slick or what?

I don't even want to know what his reaction was. I don't even want to know.

I mailed this the next morning (couldn't email due to the fact that I had donated my computer several months earlier in a mad furious determined frenzy to do away with the beast, once and for all) and that's when my heart started pounding. I started to get a feeling. That something was up. And not in a good way.

 

 

On the morning of Monday, September 18, '06, as I sat down on the couch with my tea before I got ready for work, I heard in my spirit, "Behold, the moment you have been waiting for is at hand."

This startled me. I wasn't praying. I wasn't thinking about anything. I wasn't even fully awake yet.

My heart started pounding. This sounded ominous. I thought about it. I was like, ok, WHICH moment?

 

And then it hit me. Suddenly it came into my mind, the warning dream, the scary one. The one that had been on my mind for a year. It was still a mystery. I did pray about it on & off. I assumed I had prevented it from happening, seeing as how J. was with me in the dream. My solution to seeing to it that this dream never came to pass was simply don't ever go anywhere with J. Ever.

But I still knew, deep down inside, that this dream was going to get me, one way or the other. See I handle things on different levels of understanding, all at the same time. My mind assumes things. My spirit knows. My emotions are too scared to face reality and my body caves in with waves of anxiety. This is pretty much how I handle every big thing in my life, even now. But this is going to change.

So the dream continued to haunt me, and on this day, the images contained in it would not leave my mind. All day long at work I had a bad feeling. I kept thinking of the dream. I kept thinking of Leah. More than anything else, I was worried about Leah. No outward signs of trouble at all, she seemed fine. But something was in the air, something was very, very wrong.

This was an important day for two other reasons as well: not only was the warning dream front and center in my mind, but on that day, J. should have received his birthday card in the mail. The one with something important that he needed to know. Also on this day, I knew it was time to write out all the visions that I'd been given regarding the times to come, and print them out, and share them with lots of people. It was a day of coming out. Not something I looked forward to doing. But I had to. My anxiety flooded my entire body and by the time I got home from work, around 4:00, it peaked.

Leah was in her room with her friend. I changed clothes and got something to eat. But I couldn't eat. I was too on edge. Leah asked me what was wrong, and I said, "Leah I need to take a drive. I need to go out to Val's so I can use her computer to print out something. I'll be back later."

This was the first time I had ever left her alone at that place, our apartment. But it was ok, since she said she and some other kids were going out to eat. And that they would be here in about 30 minutes. So I left with a good conscience, knowing she'd be out having fun and not there alone.