A Queen's Portion Already

I actually enjoy sharing my writings with people who I know won't believe/agree/relate. It's all I know, and it's what I'm most comfortable with. This is my disclaimer- I already know how nutty I come across- and I expose myself deliberately, time and time again, for some unknown (lie) reason.


Lately I have been loud- more loud than usual- digging up my own dirt and exposing it, like a convict who turns himself in rather than waiting on being busted, caught off-guard and unaware. It's only a matter of time for me.







"If I had more tales to tell, I'd tell those too. simply because I have no one to think about, nobody's feelings to consider, nobody to be cautious around, nobody to wonder if this would bother them or not. I am basically begging to be proved wrong. But I won't be. Because nobody will come near enough to tell me. I've pushed them all away. People if I were not a Christian with hope and faith I would step right off into the unknown. I would pack my bags and never be heard from again. The smartest thing I ever did was have a child at such a young age, she's been my anchor, she's been my reason to be. She's the only human being who needs me. You may think I have an endless supply of words and energy inside of me, but I don't. I'm empty, but I seem to be filled up just enough every day to keep going. not a happy camper right now. there's too much on my mind. been cryin all day like a child. but that's probably because I drank more than my share of red wine last night. I am torn in half. at war with myself. and who are you to say anything against me? what do I owe you? I am standing on the mountain's edge shouting and listening to my echo. where does my voice go? where does it land? why am I told to keep going? who is hearing? don't tell me to open up and be social. that's a distraction and it changes the way I think and the things I say. there is no solid answer. I need to learn to survive on less. I need to learn to thrive on air, apparently. my freedom is starting to feel like a prison. I always longed for the day that I could say anything, now I'm doing it, and realizing how alone I am in the world. I can literally say anything and nobody will stop me. I guess I haven't yet grown into my own voice. It's too much for me. I am acting like a beggar when I've been given a queen's portion already."