In Your Depths I Find My Remedy

A poem I wrote at 17, illustrating my journey from disillusionment to epiphany of the significance of human life in relation to the universe.

 

Out of the blue I gape at the sea

For what am I in comparison to your great majesty,

Your vast waters flow dominating all I see

Now what am I compared to thee,

 

I am but a drop out of the blue

And into the black,

In search for any clue

To a purpose I somehow seem to lack,

 

In your depths I find my remedy,

My previous ignorance becomes mere comedy

As an insight comes to light,

My own acuity sets me free of my plight

 

In essence we are but the same

To be no more than a droplet is no shame

Though I am miniscule I share your name

Resonating is our composition and this I must exclaim

 

I too am the ocean I too am the sea

Call me small or call me peewee

That’s all ill ever be 

I am the blue and heck that’s good enough for me.

Author's Note

This is my philosophy on life, I'd love to hear your comments and suggestions on the writing and content so please feel free! Peace :)

Reviews

[LawrenceRaybon]

The Constructive Critics’ Poem Critique Checklist
http://www.writerscafe.org/groups/Constructive-Critics/11057/

What is your favorite part/line/stanza of the poem? Why?
---I love the play between depth and humor in the poem… and heck that’s good enough for me…

What is your least favorite part/line/stanza of the poem? Why?
---‘Resonating is our composition’ is my least favorite part. I understand that it is supposed to mean that you and the ocean are made of the same stuff but it feels weird. You may want to try something like, “Alike in our composition”

What does the Title of the Poem make you think about?
---Healing/Love.

Does the title fit with the poem? Does it add anything? Does it detract or distract?
---Although the poem doesn’t fit with my first impressions from the title, I think the title is perfect for the poem.

What is the subject of the poem? Is the subject clear?
---The poem deals with the feelings of insignificance when contemplating the universe. The subject is beautifully examined within the poem.

What is the tone, or feeling you get from the poem? Does the tone fit with the subject matter?
---The tone starts as a tinge of despair that then evolves into hope, which fits perfectly.

Is the poem a comparison or analogy? How is the comparison appropriate? Is it inappropriate?
---The poem compares the universe to the ocean and a single human to a drop of water. The comparison is appropriate in that a single human is a tiny part of the cosmos.
---The comparison can go askew if one considers that the ocean is made up of water because the universe is made of space, not humans. But it is a tiny, nitpicky way to look at the analogy and can and should be forgiven as poetic license. Almost no analogies are perfect.

Does the poem flow? Is it easy to read and understand, each part feeding to the next? If there are breaks in the flow do they serve a purpose? Does the author use short direct sentences or longer more involved ones? Does the sentence structure fit into the flow?
---Over all, the poem flows, but each stanza taken as an individual has some flow problems. The lines vary vastly in length/syllables this makes it hard to find a rhythm and that limits the ease of flow. I hit on this more in the rhythm question

How is the poem ordered? Are there stanzas? Definite shifts in subject or perspective? Is there a progression of some sort? Simple to complex; past to present, etc.? Is there a climax and is it effective or a letdown?
---The poem is ordered in Stanzas that flow from seeking to understanding, from yearning to acceptance. I believe the climax is at the beginning of the third stanza which is also the title of the poem. Nicely done!

What about the pattern/rhythm? Does the poem have a definite rhythmic pattern? Does it follow the pattern throughout? If it breaks the pattern, does that break add to the meaning or is it distracting?
---The poem doesn’t have a definite pattern, some patterns are set up in the rhyming but don’t follow through. When doing a rhyming poem often the rhyming helps create a pattern, but in this poem that lines vary so much in length that the rhyming only succeeds in showing the lack of a pattern. Let’s look at the first stanza:

Out of the blue I gape at the sea
For what am I in comparison to your great majesty,
Your vast waters flow dominating all I see
Now what am I compared to thee,

---In the first and last lines you have eight syllables each and when read one right after the other, they flow beautifully. The second line has fifteen syllables, almost double the first line! It’s quite a mouth full and disrupts the pattern before it can get started. The third line is thirteen syllables and another mouthful.
----I always encourage writers, especially of poetry, to read their work aloud. If a line is hard to say or seems to go on longer than others that line probably needs to be looked at and edited. With this poem, I know it’s fun to use three and four syllable words, but when using lots of million dollar words in the same line the poem becomes lopsided.

Does the poem rhyme? Do the rhyming words actually rhyme (try saying them out loud one after the other to see if they feel right)? Is the rhyming consistent? If there is a break in the rhyme does it serve a clear purpose?
---Yes the poem rhymes, but the rhyme scheme almost seems to be haphazard. The first, forth and last stanza rhyme on every line. The second stanza rhymes on every other line. And the third stanza rhymes the first two and last two lines separately. It sort of works but it is strange when spoken aloud. The rhymes disrupt the flow. If the second stanza rhymed on all four lines it would feel better to me.
---Also rhyming homonyms (see and sea) in the first stanza is kind of lazy, and should be avoided if possible.
---Also, remedy and comedy don’t really rhyme

Does the author effectively use other literary devices (alliteration, assonance, onomatopoeia, etc.)?
---Alliteration is used effectively in a couple of places, ‘somehow seem’ and ‘blue’ and ‘black’ ending lines 5 and 6.

Does the author effectively use figurative language? Are there metaphors, similies, personifications, etc.? Are they appropriate? Do they add or distract?
---Using the ocean as a metaphor for the universe and then the subtle personification of the ocean (by talking to a thing, we give it the assumed ability to listen) worked nicely.

Did the author use repetition? Was purposeful or did it seem accidental? Did the repetition add to the poem or distract? Did the repetition fit into the flow of the poem or did it break up the flow?
---I enjoyed the repetition in the first two lines of the last stanza. The repetition worked to emphasize the points in the lines. It also helped a bit with the flow.

What were the word choices the author made? Did they use short, easy words or big flowery language? Were the word choices appropriate for the subject and tone of the poem? Did the words chosen fit into the rhythm and flow? If not are there any other words that might fit better?
---The author sprinkles lots of million dollar words among simpler words: majesty, dominating, acuity, miniscule, etc. These words are really powerful but because they are sometimes difficult to say some of them break up the flow of the poem.

What was your overall impression of the poem? Was anything confusing? What felt right? What felt wrong?
---Over all I really liked the poem and felt like it explored it’s concept well. I think it needs polish on its technical aspects to bring it up to snuff with the concept it is examining.

List any errors in grammar, spelling, punctuation, style (point of view, sentence structure, tense, etc.) and/or continuity. (Be specific and include lines if possible):
---Line 2, I think it should have a question mark at the end not a comma.
---Line 3, There should probably be a comma between flow and dominating.
---Line 4, Should probably end with a question mark not a comma.
---Line 5, Should probably have a period at the end.
---Line 7, Should either be ‘In search of,’ or ‘Searching for.’ ‘In search for,’ doesn’t make sense.
---Line 8, Should probably end with a period.
---Line 10, Should probably end with a period.
---Line 12, Should probably end with a period.
---Line 13, Should probably end with a period.
---Line 14, Should probably end with a period.
---Line 15, Needs a comma between miniscule and I. Should also probably end with a period.
---Line 16, Should probably end with a comma or colon.
---Line 17, Needs commas between ocean and I, and at the end.
---Line 18, Needs commas between small and or, and at the end.
---Line 19, The ‘I’ in ‘I’ll’ needs to be capitalized and needs the apostrophe. Also the line should end with a comma.
---Line 20 You need a comma after Heck.

In your opinion how could the author improve their (Title, Plot, Ending, Character, Setting, Voice, Style, Dialogue, Format, etc.)? (Be Specific)
---I think reading each stanza out loud and really listening for the natural flow would be helpful. Then rewriting to make the rhythm and flow more clear.

Overall this is a very promising poem that just needs a little bit of work to really shine. Again I encourage you to read this and all your poems aloud to be sure it flows naturally. I look forward to reading a rewrite as well as your other work.

Cheers,
Lawrence
Constructive Critics Group
Using the Constructive Critic Poem Critique Checklist

Note: A printable copy of this Critique (that is easier to read) is available at:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/d6h6er9xle1ekl9/Critique%20of%20In%20Your%20Depths%20by%20Peculiar.docx

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are
absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I
think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better
writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my
opinions/advice!***

[peculiar]

Wow thank you for all the tips! I'll go over each one and try to edit my poem as best I can! Thank you, would not have noticed those errors if you hadn't pointed them out :) I'll be sure to let you know when I've finished editing! Really appreciate the effort you put in, it keeps me motivated!