Alive

Siena

 

I feel

 

            sick and tired.

 

I must go to school anyway.

Mother won’t let me stay

at home. I’m failing

already.

 

She just doesn’t understand.

 

            I feel as if I’m losing control.

Martha can’t win. I won’t let her.

 

            Kevin says,

 

                        You’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.

                        You’re not the only one. Trust me.

 

I’m not sure if I can.

He’s wrong again.

I’d rather feel numb.

 

            He wants to walk me home.

            I tell him no, that he needs to leave me

alone.

 

 

I don’t think he’ll listen.

Nobody ever listens.

 

 

 

Martha likes him,

wants him, even.

I won’t let her have him.

I’m still stronger than

her. But she wants out.

She wants to take over.

 

To take my body and

leave me trapped in my own

head. Sometimes I wonder

if it’d be better, to let her

take me. If it’d be

any easier.

 

            I wonder

 

                        why Kevin is so persistent.

                       

                        why I’m losing strength.

 

                        why father left me.

 

                        why mother is blind to my feelings.

 

                        why I am still alive.