I Thought

A Story by plain jane

to an ex-person in my life

I feel so empty inside that it’s physically sickening. I keep having dreams/nightmares about you, and some feel so real that I wake up crying when I realize it wasn’t, out of relief or grief, depending on the dream. During my endless waking hours, I have no one to talk to, no one to be real with. Only those I can pretend with for a while, like *****, ******, ******, ******, *********, hell I even appeased **** when he asked for nudes. But none of it, absolutely none of it, makes me feel a damn thing. I know it’s not your fault, I know that you never intended it, but you ruined me for good. You’d tell me that I can’t blame you, and I know logically you’re right; I made all the mistakes. Everything could’ve been okay if I'd kept quiet. But I'm sorry that I was traumatized at 14 and again at 15, and I'm so sorry that my soul is crippled for life. I’m sorry you gave me a crutch that I thought could support me and I'm sorry I fell so hard when you swiped it out from under me. I’m sorry for being crazy, so insane as to ask you to give me a chance to prove myself emotionally competent to a person who struggles to feel anything at all. I thought we could help each other, that’s all. I thought. Silly me.