went for a walk

i was running until i couldn't see him anymore. My name is May and i am lost. it was April 3,2008.my boyfriend and i decided to go for a walk. We had a lot of parks in our town,but he wanted to go another way. There was an abandoned cornfield a couple miles away. They said a crazy man lived there, but we didn't believe in that. we started walking towards it when i got a srtange feeling,"i don't think we should do this it's getting late and it's getting dark really fast."

"don't back out now. were almost there." i followed him. there were a lot of signs that said,"keep out! and No trespassing!" we just ignored them and kept walking. we saw the corn, but we went to the torn down barn beside it. it had vines all over it. it looked like a big green monster. the door was padlocked, but so old that when we poked it with a stick it just fell. we walked inside. it made me get a creepy feeling. that feeling was so strong that no matter how much warmer i got, my goosebumps wouldn't go away. that was when it happened. he saw an old tractor. he scanned over it then climbed up on it. "you shouldn't do that" i said, " it could be dangerous.

" ohh, don't worry it's just fine."

i looked around when i saw a pair of huge pliars. i picked them up and just stared at them. all of a sudden the little light that was my only light went off. i dropped the pliars, jumping back i looked for them, but couldn't. " Jake,Jake this isn't funny. come on i'm scared please turn the light on or something." the light suddenly came back on. i heard noise by the tractor. i walked to it and i fell to the ground crying when i saw him. he was in between the tractor and the wheel. he was flat. his head was wvwn smashed. i know he didn't do this himself. i walked over to him saying,"how, how" i was barely talking over all my tears. i saw a shadow coming up behind me i ran. i didn't turn back i just ran. i stopped when i came between the barn and the cornfield. i didn't know which way to go. i turned around right when he grabbed me. i punched and i kicked, but we wouldn't let go. he took me inside the shed that held most tools for the farm, but it was empty. he threw me in. when i felt the ground i looked up. he had a mask on, in his arm were another pair of pliars. they were covered in blood. "who are you?" i said. "who are you?" then yelling. all he did was stare then turned around and close the door. i could hear him lock the door on the other side. it was pitch black only for a few cracks with moonlight coming through was my only light. i went to the corner with the most light and put my face in my hands and just cry. that's when i remembered cell phone. i took it out of my pocket. no bars. i got so mad i threw it at the wall. it fell right through. i looked at the extra light coming in. i looked out and didnt see anything. the floor of the shed was all rocks. so i scanned through for the bigest ones and kept throwing them at the wall. i saw his shadow so i went to the corner hiding the rocks behind me. he starred at the hole in the side. then he threw in Jake's head. i put my hand over my mouth. i just stared at it. the man outside just walked away. i just sat there. Jake was one of the toughest guys at school which means that the man must be strong too. i figured i wouldn't have a chance if i got out and he caught me. i thought of a memory about me and Jake, it was at school we had gym together. i was up to bat for a game of softball. i had the bat in hand but i knew i couldn't hit the ball , i never could. Jake was on the other side of the fence, i could hear him say," don't give up! you can do it May!! don't doubt yourself!" i got my first homerun that day. i knew Jake wouldn't want me to give up so i took the rocks and threw them as hard as i could against the wall. a clear hole was there. it was just big enough for me to get through. i waited ten minutes to see if the man came i didn't see him at all. i blew a kiss to Jake's head," i love you." i climbed through the hole. head first. my shoelace had got caught and i could hear him coming. i stared tugging harder and harder when my whole shoe just came off it went inside the shed i just left thinking that there wasn't any time for me to get it. i ran right to the barn. i thought maybe the tractor works, but he was already there. how could he do that? i thought for a second then thought the cornfield. the cornfield leads to the road. i ran straight for it. i ran until i couldn't see him anymore. i  stopped out of breath. i could hear movement in the field. i crouched down. as low as i possibly could, but just enough that i can get up and run.

Author's Note

have not finished, not everything is correct like the sentence may not start with a capitol letter, was suppose to put in book but put in story,sooo thanks!

Reviews

[Cassiopia Summers]

Dang, talk about freaky. Great write. It reminds me of a scary movie. (:

[Crazy Cat Man]

reminds me of a time when I was with my exgf and we were stalked by her psychotic ex-bf ........ugh.......that time really suck......good story here but seperate this into paragraphs instead of big block :)

[Emily Quinn]

you have a good idea here and it could be a suspensful piece with a good edit , paragraphing maybe some added descriptions to make it flow together better (describe smells, sight, what the mc hears, feels etc) also I noticed some gramarical errors, such as "I tried to think of a way to get out and get out of there reach." 'there' should be 'their' and "I didn't know much, but I do know there not afraid to kill" 'there should by 'they're' this sentence just doesn't sound quite right, maybe different wording? "It hit him so bad, he fell to the ground with blood on his leg."
instead of 'it hit him so bad' you could say "it hit him so hard..." or something along those lines. great job though, it has the potential to be a spooky "I know what you did last summer" type of story. keep it up! 'And thanks for entering my contest, good luck :)

[Manda.Ree]

not bad not bad at all ;)

[angelina neves]

Interesting ideas!

[Kathleen]

i agree with the others--you have lots of potential! just make it a little less like a chain of events and you will be well on your way to a good beginning!

[H-Jonesy]

hmm i agree with ZeN the structure could use some work. also i see some grammer, but dont worry im not to good at grammer my self. One other thing is that the story seems more like a list of events, maby if you put in some discriptive words and revises some of your wording it might seem diffrent^^

[Hello, Goodbye]

Interesting start.. Hopefully you look at the structure and try to fix the way its displayed.. but you got good stuff going..