The N97 Bus

The N97 Bus

I know it sounds stupid but I really miss my mum. So much. Yet at this point in my life I know I can never really go back. How would you respond, a nice middle classed lady, does right by her children, sends her oldest to the grammar... but then her oldest runs away and becomes a w***e. No I don't think you'd have her back in a hurry.

Sometimes talking to someone makes you remember who you really are, this girl had it like me, ended up like me, the difference is girls like her always end up like this sooner or later, but how did I get here? My family were good, my grades were good, I'd never got so much as a detention for chewing gum before all this started, but now I'm just sitting here, no where to go, another lost soul on the N97 bus.

Earlier today I heard Sean talking on the phone. See Sean’s my boyfriend, I met him after college one day and he just started talking you know? Really nice and all. He was so down to earth, asking me about my day, saying I was so smart, so nice, so pretty, tell me how any girl can avoid falling for that?

I mean I'd never even had a half hearted snog at a house party before, people didn't look at me that way and I didn't look at them either. There was just something about Sean though, he was older and it was like when he looked at me he could see into my mind, see every little thing that I was thinking. It was heaven. It was love.

Anyway, from then on I was his girl. He took me to parties, they were so much fun, everyone seemed to love me there. It wasn't like parties at school, there were cocktails, everyone was chatting about real issues, it was just so sophisticated. I was in a dreamland.

The only issue is, well my mum didn't much like Sean, she thought he was too old, she didn't trust him, but she just didn't understand. She couldn't see him through my eyes, couldn't see the caring protective man I see. After the first couple of months mum banned me from seeing him, she said she'd heard things about him and she didn't think I should be around him. Clearly she'd made that up, said all this just so I wouldn't see him anymore and I just though 'f**k you.' I left. Sean set me up with a nice little flat for the two of us to stay in.

The first month in that flat was absolute bliss, I had to drop out of college, you know so mum couldn't track me down, but that just meant I had more time with Sean and it didn't matter what I did anyway, after all Sean was gonna look after me. The only problem I had was Sean was just away so much, but it was alright, I had a little telly and some books and when he was there time was simply magical. It was bliss.

A while later is when things started going wrong... He ran into some trouble with some really bad guys. Apparently he owed them some money and they were the sorts who would hurt him, I was so scared. He said he couldn't afford to pay for this flat any more and I was terrified, I couldn't go back now. What would I say to her? So I told him I'd get a job as a waitress or something, maybe a shop assistant, but Sean said I couldn't, not till I was 18 or my mum might find me. I felt so stuck, all I wanted for for Sean to be ok, I loved him and the idea of him getting hurt made me feel sick.

For a few days Sean seemed almost back to normal, he didn't mention it again, it was ok. Then one night he came back with this guy I'd never seen before. He was a lot older, about 40 maybe, skinny to the point of emaciation with tiny beady eyes that seemed to follow you around the room. I don't know why but I just didn't trust him, I guess he just had one of those faces you don't trust... He called himself Gavin.

I didn't like Gavin.

Over the next few weeks Gavin was always round, staring at me as he spoke in a somewhat over familiar fashion. He tried hard with me, always asking me questions about what I did, what I liked, etc. Then one day Sean decided to go into the kitchen and make us all some tea. I was left with Gavin.

I really didn't like Gavin.

I don't really like to think about stuff like this so I'm just going to summarise here. Gavin started making advances, I ran out and got Sean, he told me it was the only way to pay or he would get really hurt, if I loved him I would do it. So I did it.

Nothing was the same after that.

Anyway that happened more and more after that with different guys, I didn't even have to ask Sean anymore, I just did it. I started drinking, vodka mostly, it was good for blocking out my head.

...

Then one day, at this point I'd been living there around 8 months, I heard Gavin come in. He didn't come in that much nowadays, he'd maybe stop by about once a week, more often then not one of his guys would come, bring me food, drinks and clothes, maybe deliver someone like Gavin...

So in a way I got quite excited to hear Sean's voice, but he was on the phone and I didn't want to interrupt him, Sean gets real angry when he's interrupted.

“Matt, will you f*****g listen to me,” I heard his voice muffled through the door, he was angry. “I want you to find her and bring her back, she's taken half my f*****g gear and she owes me. Do not let her leave town.”

It was around then I realised how stupid I was. To think he loved me. To think he cared. I couldn't make sense of anything, so I let the vodka work it out for me.

…

The room swayed as I staggered out the door, my bag clutched to my side, my coat pulled tight around me. I clambered into the lift. It felt so strange going out without Sean’s say so, I haven't even been outside in about two weeks and that was only to go to the pub with one of Gavin's mates. Here I was, back in the real world, it felt scary, it swayed around me. Everything roared.

I had no idea where I was going, or what I could do. The wind whipped at my ears as I pulled my Beret down tighter. I called Sean, I just wanted him to care, perhaps the drink made me a little sentimental, a little too needy. He didn't pick up.

I stopped at the bus stop on Talley Park Road, flinging my back down next to me I tried him again. He doesn't pick up. He's not looking for me. He's only looking for her.

“Please pick up ok, You can't do this to me, not after everything we had, I thought you loved me!” I bawled into his voice mail. Immature and over-emotional. I felt ashamed.

As the street around me suddenly hit a rush of wind I felt the bus pulling down the street, I staggered upright, spinning on my feet.

As I got up the world finally hit me, my own oblivion vanished. A boy sat there, quiet as a shadow, invisible and calm, my heart began to pound, could he be one of Sean's guys? I know I've seen him before I just can't place it. So I nodded, he nodded back. I took a deep breath and stepped on the N97 bus.

…

So I sat down at the back of the bus, head in hands. I had no idea where I was going to go, what was I going to do? A rush of fear suffocates me and the roar of the traffic screams in my ear. I couldn't breath.

What will happen when he hears my voice mail? Will he come after me? Will he hate me for leaving? My thoughts toppled over one another, crushing my skull, fear like I had never felt before.

Why can't I breath? Am I dying? What's the point in living? Oh god what's wrong with me- why can't I breath? Drawing fast shallow breaths in an attempt to get some air in I struggled, and immense feeling of drowning swept over me, I just kept thinking This is it. I'm gonna die here, the world began to get darker and blurry, I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I couldn't do anything.

…

A girl sat down next to me.

“Hey, hey it's alright girl, you're just having a panic attack. It's ok you're not dying, you just need to breath in and out real slow. In,” She paused, breathing slowly with me, “and out,” We both exhaled, over and over until I felt my heart calm and the room grew to a stationary halt.

“There you go, you're alright, man and I thought I was having a s**t day!” The girl grinned at me, smile wide, eyes shining like big black orbs, too big and too bright, yet friendly and safe.

I smiled timidly back at her, staring down at my shaking hands.

“Thank you.” I whispered, I looked up at her. She was skinny, pasty skin, bones jutting out, her leg bounced up and down, fast, she looked unaware of her own movements. She wore a vest top and a pair of legging, not phased by the bitter November weather outside. She was on something.

“So what's up with you anyway,” She asked quickly eyes darting around me assessing my character.

“Just not a good day. Kinda found out everything I thought was lie.” My speech slurred as I spoke, I hoped she wouldn't notice.

“I hear that!” She said loudly, “Leave your f*****g house for 'im, do whatever the f**k he wants, he f***s up your life right? Then what. He f*****g cheats you, he ain't never loved you, just using you for your looks, as long as you got addiction to something it don't matter, you know?” I blinked as I looked as her, trying to understand her jumbled dialogue through my drunken ears. Her story sounded familiar. “And then right, you can never go back, he's either got you for life or you're running for life, cos guys don't give up you know, it's about control. F*****g pimp life you know?”

“I don't know... I don't know anything anymore.”

“Well just count yourself f*****g lucky to be honest, your young, you're pretty, you look like you come from somewhere nice, don't go f*****g around for no special sherbet ok.” She laughed to herself, “Sorry mate just having a laugh, what's a girl like you doing pissed of her head at 2am anyway?”

“I left my house for him, I did what he wants, then I found out he was using me.” I looked up at her. It made no sense how can someone like me have the same story as someone like her?

“Look girl, I reckon you should get some sleep, you just need to sleep it off. The drivers wont mind.”

Taking her advice I let the world fade around me.

…

I wake up.

The girl is gone.

My head pounds.

I look down at the floor, as my head begins to roar and see a card. It's the credit card Sean gave me, for essentials and that. Funny, I thought I lost it weeks ago.

I see the name Mr S. Phillips printed across in bold. Why is it here? Why is it on the floor?

My head pounds harder.

I reach for my bag.

It's gone.

She took it.

It's funny.

Why leave the card? 

Author's Note

Feedback much appreciated!