depression/the things we called "love"

poem about depression and "love"

some days i feel as though the weight of the world 

is laid across my bones 

crushing my skeleton

suffocating me 

in the most unromantic way

the universe is living in my soul  

stars have taken up residency in my veins

i know i deserve better  

i miss you

i miss you on the cool days in october 

when im running away from my demons

my hands cold

my legs aching

they plead for me to curl up next to you on that futon 

in your bedroom where we kissed for the first time 

where all our memories are held 

my hands have a constant dull throb 

where our fingers used to be intertwined on cold nights 

collecting wood for the literal fire

the metaphorical fire 

in your backyard 

in our hearts 

the fire of shared 

yet significantly different sadnesses 

ecstasy with the first osculation

when you whisked away my doubt 

my anguish

ultimately

my happiness

the day you promised yourself to me

i died a little giving myself back to you

the day you gave me your all

you didn’t mean any of it 

you broke me

after my destruction 

i found myself

i found that i may not need you

but i want you 

i found that i can be happy by myself

but prefer not to be 

i found that in the little things

you can find the most happiness 

and i found that the worst isolation 

is feeling alone in a crowded room

and those are the moments 

ive missed 

you 

the most 

ive found that im not myself

but a ghost of who i used to be

im a whisper of who i once was

my illness consumed me 

our illnesses were linked

the mental instabilities that we shared

aka the tickets 

to our destruction

we stayed up late talking 

about the ways in which we would leave 

this earth

if we could

the problems

with our families

we talked about my disgorging

after meals 

the fact that after i started actually eating

and when i brushed my teeth

my stomach would reject the food i had consumed 

we talked about how the allure 

of lifeless objects to destroy ourselves

was more than the enticement 

of our loved ones 

more than each other 

we drained each other of happiness 

we called it love 

that’s not what love is. 

-r.s.

Author's Note

i dislike capital letters

Reviews

[AGirlAuthor]

Woah. You are pretty talented....

[child of God]

So much emotion so much power so Manny can relate to this I love how you are vage on what you are talking about in some of your stanzas it makes the audience wonder such a beautiful play so powerful