katrina

poems from my notes app // Sept 2017

i feel like a caterpillar, 

trapped in a poorly formed chrysalis 

not entirely sure which way is left or right 

or what I'm going to be when i get out

all my life

i have followed the orders  

of other people 

and never made a decision for myself 

a self-fulfilling cycle of 

sacrifice- f**k me over- sacrifice 

in a desperate attempt to prove to my mother

i am good, i am not selfish

you tell me, 

rosie, you need to make these choices for yourself 

make decisions for yourself, 

you're an adult now

but i don't know what these decisions mean 

i don't know what i want 

i don't know if i am the butterfly, 

or the tiger moth. 

you tell me 

i can take a year off school

walk across spain, get a tattoo 

to "find myself" like i'm a sixteen year old in bali drunk off cheap wine

my mother tells me 

i need to graduate

change my path to fit her will

and isn't it terrible her mother never let her make her own choices? 

and it confuses me 

so i don't get out of bed 

and i forget to wash my hair 

so everybody loses