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>> deadly things...

The fluff in the brain

The fuzz that you hear

When you try to think

The thoughts that clout your mind

They deteriorate your hands

 

They rip your hands into shreds,

Like acid rain,

Tearing each skin cell from the next

Exposing the blood

That seeks to be found

 

And it glistens, the blood,

As it beads

And runs

Into pools of passion

As your eyes wander

 

Back and forth they stare,

Seeking something they can't have

Holding within their heart

The hopes and dreams that died

With those last hours

 

Dreams of falling,

Hopes of flying,

Promises of love,

Candies that sparkle with jealousy

 

Red, beating, heart

Can't possibly hold any more

And yet there's so much room

Room for blood,

Room for air bubbles

And saved space for eternity

 

Eternity where the stars smile

And frown

Where deep, dark black threatens

To pull you in,

And chew you to pieces,

And asks for another sacrifice

 

Death rules eternity, though,

And there's no stopping him now

He's built the bridge all ready

He's sent the invitation

He's brought the sack

The one he plans to stuff you into…

Good luck.

Author's Note

=DD what do you think and what can i change?

Reviews

[Jeberle]

This is really well written. I liked how some words carried over from one stanza to the next, like "hands," "blood," and "eternity." It really wove the whole poem together, but it made some of the stanzas where you didn't do this feel out of place.

There are some really amazing images in here that I'm extremely jealous of, such as blood flowing into "pools of passion," and "room for air bubbles/and saved space for eternity." It's very morbid, but you pull it off well. You only slip up a couple times. For example, the mention of "candies," even when paired with jealousy, seems like it doesn't belong.

Other than that, I can only repeat Sarah's advise to drop every single "and." Also, you might also consider cutting the very last line entirely. Leaving the reader with the image of being stuffed in a sack is potent, and the black humor of "good luck," kind of detracts from that.

Wonderfully crafted poetry. Keep up the great work!

[Kaye]

=OOO Oh ho ho! I wasn't quite expecting so much evil to seep in there at the end. ^^ Very nice.
The beginning though is where I had issues. "The thoughts that clout your mind" I do believe you meant "cloud" right? ^^; "They rip your hands into shreds" might sound better with just "to" rather than "into"
Try not to begin too many lines with "As" or "And" also. It helps the poem to flow more smoothly when reading it to yourself.

=O I LOVE how it's like "Deeper than Blood" meets that movie you told me to see with the puppets. =D That's what I thought of. Especially that last paragraph. It was beautiful. I like the air bubbles in the blood too. It's all so wickedly evil and lovely.