Background
Mark and Emily are newlyweds. They have been married for a year and a half;
both have decent jobs, and live together in a small house outside of town.
They are entering therapy due to increased arguments over whether marriage
was a good idea and if divorce is a viable option for them. Mark has been
pushing for Emily to stop taking her birth control shots and for them to try
to have a baby. He wants to start a family together and form a deeper
commitment to each other. Emily is unwilling to do this, adamant that
starting a family would only cause the rift between them to deepen, and the
last thing she wants to do is bring a child into the mix and mess him/her
up, as well.
Emily’s fear of commitment stems from legitimate past and current issues in
her life. Her father and mother divorced when she was young (six years old)
and she has never seen a committed, happy relationship in action. In
addition, Emily and Mark dated off an on for four years prior to their
marriage. Throughout the first and second years of dating, they took
frequent breaks due to Mark’s inability to remain faithful to the
relationship. He often would explore relationships with other people, and
this form of ‘cheating’ on their relationship has left Emily with a certain
inability to trust him. Mark claims that he was young and had to learn his
lesson, and that being without Emily has taught him that he never wants to
be without her again.
Mark is entering the therapy as the one with a stronger commitment to
continue the relationship. He feels that Emily’s continued fears about his
fidelity and commitment are unfounded and should be discarded in order for
them to continue building a life together. Although Emily is aware she has
these feelings, and wishes she could diffuse them, she continues to have
anxiety concerning Mark and his intentions towards her and their
relationship. She expresses the feeling that being alone might be more
conducive to her mindset. She has always been very independent, intelligent,
and sociable, and feels a certain security when she has only herself.
Mark has never previously attended therapy; Emily has seen multiple
therapists ever since her parents divorce at age six. Mark is skeptical that
therapy could save their marriage, feeling that they should figure this out
themselves, but is supportive of the therapy as a way to assist their
marriage.
Assessment
Mark and Emily both exhibit anxiety reactions to numerous aspects of their
marriage. When Emily discusses her feelings of insecurity and mistrust, Mark
becomes defensive and somber. When Mark insists on his fidelity and love for
her, Emily often becomes sarcastic, sometimes bitter; she refers often to
the past and Mark’s mistreatment of her. Commitment to the therapy is
relatively high between the two, but Emily’s continuing anxiety over past
and potential future events markedly effects the couple’s interactions.
Meanwhile, Mark’s inability to validate and support Emily’s feelings leaves
them both distant from another and often at an impasse.
Treatment
“Love Map”
Gottman’s first principle elucidates the concept of developing,
maintaining, and enhancing a couple’s “Love Map.” This is a crucial element
of Mark and Emily’s relationship that is missing. Especially following
certain infidelities in the past, Emily experiences heightened awareness and
anxiety concerning Mark’s whereabouts and relationships with others. Mark
personally knows that he is being faithful, but does not take the time to
reassure Emily and assist her in developing a ‘map’ of what his day looks
like and how he handles situations with other people.
The “Love Map” involves more than just knowledge of everyday events,
though; it is also an understanding and appreciation for each other’s pasts,
as well as current anxieties and dreams. It holds the key to comprehending
each other’s reactions, emotions, and desires. Without it, Emily and Mark
are constantly evaluating each other’s actions and words, unaware of from
whence they originate and therefore wary of their meaning. They often
interpret each other’s actions and words negatively rather than positively,
for a sense of trust has never been firmly rebuilt within their
relationship.
Mark and Emily are not representative of an emotionally-intelligent couple,
for they are not aware of each other’s lifeworlds. They do not take the time
to keep up with each other’s goals, dreams, or even days, and therefore feel
further away from each other each time the sun sets. They would benefit from
setting up a time (perhaps at the dinner or breakfast table) where each
other’s days are described and discussed, and the two can catch up on each
other’s lives. Also, they should take advantage of Gottman’s “20 Questions
Game” for help developing an appropriate Love Map on each other.
Fondness and Admiration
Although fondness and admiration were the foundational hallmarks of Mark
and Emily’s relationship, they have certainly lost a decent amount of these
feelings for the other over time. It is important for them to reminisce over
their courtship and first love days in order to recall the reasons that
brought them together. In this way, perhaps they will rebuild the necessary
feelings of fondness and admiration for one another. Naturally, these
emotions are firmly based within a foundation of friendship within the two,
and Mark and Emily could certainly benefit from time spent building their
friendship and taking Gottman’s “Seven Week Course in Fondness and
Admiration”.
It is certainly understandable that Emily would view certain aspects of her
and Mark’s history in a negative light, considering the instances of
infidelity and uncertainty during the first couple years of their
relationship. However, this was during a time where they were both very
young, and in order to embrace their future together Emily will have to
learn to accept these aspects of their past.
Turning Towards
The concept of “turning towards” one another is naturally novel to the
couple, and they would be assisted in learning how to interact more
effectively with each other. Mark is very playful and often attempts to make
‘bids’ for Emily’s attention (with jokes, humor, banter). However, Emily is
often wary of Mark’s intentions and many times interprets them as negative
or insulting, and therefore has taught herself to actually turn away from
such bids as a protective mechanism. This only hurts Mark more and he
consequently feels rejected and like they are not a good match for each
other at times. Mark and Emily would benefit from discussing these
differences in interpretations and learning how to turn towards such bids
rather than become anxious over them. The couple would probably learn much
from participating in what Gottman would call a Stress-Reducing Converstaion
where the two would listen to each other speak on a topic without
interruption or interpretation. In this way, they could not only further
develop and appropriate love map of one another, but also learn how to
positively (or at least neutrally!) communicate with one another.
Solvable Problems
Many of Mark and Emily’s issues are solvable problems and, with enough
conversation and discussion, could potentially be effectively solved. If
Mark and Emily could learn the art of compromise, especially concerning
their emotional needs, then many aspects of their marriage could potentially
flourish.
Perpetual Problems
Perpetual problems inherent between the couple’s relationship appear to
focus around their individual needs. Both Mark and Emily possess issues with
low self-esteem and fear of abandonment. Emily has experienced issues with
abandonment and self-esteem since she was a child and her parents got
divorced. After that, she never witnessed happy, loving marital
relationships in her life, and continues to question whether such a
relationship is even possible. Mark, on the other hand, was abandoned at
sixteen by his mother, and since then has engaged in random relationships
with females, all which Mark promptly left when he felt like things were
going downhill. Mark naturally believes that he is inferior in some way
which led his mother to leave him when he needed her most, and this fear has
carried through to his romantic relationships with women.
A perpetual problem such as the one above is important to highlight because
it represents a deep, emotional need inherent within the individual. The
fears, experiences, and beliefs discussed above all play an important role
in each individuals’ everyday interactions, dreams, and lifeworlds. Mark and
Emily must learn to discover the meanings within their experiences and
beliefs and learn to openly communicate these personal meanings to each
other. In this way, they can both learn how to support and validate each
other when anxious or triggering situations arise. Once again, all of these
concepts tie right back into the learning of each other’s lifeworlds, or as
Gottman puts it, forming a love map for each other. It can not be
emphasized enough how an appropriate, detailed, empathic understanding of
one another’s thoughts, dreams, and everyday actions can illuminate a
marriage in a brand new, wonderful way.
Shared Meaning
The most imperative treatment goal for Mark and Emily is to allow them to
reach the final stage of Gottman’s steps, which is to create shared meaning
with one another. Throughout their lives, Mark and Emily have been forced to
form their own personal meanings. They have both done this in order to
survive. Both individuals have had childhoods that have led them to trust in
and rely on themselves only, and therefore their definition of meaning was
focused on the self and the self’s protection. In order to fully come
together as a couple, Mark and Emily must learn to break down the walls they
have built so carefully around themselves, and allow each other in. Trust is
imperative here; Mark and Emily must learn to trust that their futures are
secure in each other’s hands. From that point, they can hold hands and
create a shared meaning for their life together and their future to come.
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