I wanted to submit this to a magazine, but wanted feedback first. Keep in mind: I have a hundred word limit including the title. So be kind.
Partnership
The butcher, known as Richard Jonathan heaves his mallet cruelly, bloodies his apron continuously, and slices and dices carcasses daily. He carries out his job as a regular nine to fiver, but is always on call.
The doctor, known as John Richardson, heaves his lunch after his gruesome work, bloodies scalpels frequently, and slices and dices the ill and injured. Richard finally meets John in the mirror, and they make a decision.
Richard shows up to work, sharpened scalpel in hand, and carves out his day. John shows up to work, mallet in hand, and beats out his day.
Intriguing, really intriguing. For only using a hundred word, very well done. It was crafted in a clever way that made it mysterious and ambiguous, to quote Freder. There are a lot of stories like these, but they rarely catch someones attention so easily. I can say I'm impressed and although it was short and it was sweet, it caught my eye and makes me want to read more of your work.
However, my challenge to you, if you feel up for taking it, take what you have here and craft a larger story out of it and craft it in a similar way. I think you can twist a really nice, longer, story if you do it the right way. And if you can still manage to write it in a way that it is still mysterious, well, all the better. The trouble, if you take it to a larger story, is falling into cliche with similar stories. That's my challenge to you, make longer and just as good.
That was awesome, makes me want more. I don't see where you can make changes apart from giving the reader more. Great read and very interesting comparison.
Intriguing, really intriguing. For only using a hundred word, very well done. It was crafted in a clever way that made it mysterious and ambiguous, to quote Freder. There are a lot of stories like these, but they rarely catch someones attention so easily. I can say I'm impressed and although it was short and it was sweet, it caught my eye and makes me want to read more of your work.
However, my challenge to you, if you feel up for taking it, take what you have here and craft a larger story out of it and craft it in a similar way. I think you can twist a really nice, longer, story if you do it the right way. And if you can still manage to write it in a way that it is still mysterious, well, all the better. The trouble, if you take it to a larger story, is falling into cliche with similar stories. That's my challenge to you, make longer and just as good.
I think this is brilliant. Considering you can only use 100 words, it is really, very well written. It's slightly mysterious, and has a hint of... disturbance to it, I suppose. You've captured my attention as well as my interest. :)
first off, nice job. its mysterious, and that leaves people thinking about it long after it is read.
i really can't tell you about submitting it though, because i don't know what the magazine wants.
Definitely interesting. Is this one person with two sides to himself? Or two people closely similar in their differences? Either way, extremely enjoyable of a read. Thank you so much. I hope you get more people that say they like it. Well done.
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