End of Innocence

this is just one chapter that I am working on in my memoir

I didn’t know what I was going to do, I was pacing back and forth on that kitchen floor, I was so scared.  Mom was still in the hospital, having more tests.  All I could think to myself was “what am I gonna to do, she’s gonna be so mad.” Daddy already warned us; “do not to get your mother upset when she comes home on the weekends.”  I may have only been eleven, but I was starting to wonder why she was able to come home on the weekends; just what kind of hospital was she in?

         I had that piece of paper clutched in my hand so tight, my knuckles were white and my fingers were numb.  I slinked down the hallway towards the bedroom that I shared with my two older sisters.   My oldest Barbie was laying on the big bed she shared with Debbie, who we all called the “middle child,” even though our brother was younger than her and older than me.   Barbie was chewing on the corner page of the book she was reading; she did it all the time, even though mom was always yelling at her to stop, she figured out a way to do it.  I once overheard my mom telling my Godmother; “I think she has Pica, I don’t know what to do about it.”  At this point I didn’t really care what “Pica” was, I had my own problems that I needed help with.

         I eased into the room and stood at the end of the bed.  I just stood there watching her, waiting, as I held tight to the tall, white post that held up the canopy, that was never on the bed.  She finally looked up from her book, as her glasses slipped to the end of her nose, she stared at me for a second, pushed her glasses back up and went back to her reading.  She didn’t give my staring another thought as she slowly pulled down the next corner of the page in her book and slipped it pass her lips into her mouth.

         “Aahhhhmmmm,” I cleared my throat, hoping to get her attention. 

         Without looking up from her book “Okay squirt, what do you want?”  She was always calling me that; that and “her baby.”  We weren’t close in age, but we were close.  I would love to it when she would place her hands on my face and gently push in and repeat the same old story again and again.  “When you were a baby, I would ‘slap’ you in the face so you would cry.  Then I would hug you so tight to make you stop crying; then I would wait a while and start all over again, because you were my baby.”

          “I have a big problem!”  I squeaked as I held out my other arm with that letter squeezed tightly in my fist. “and Ma, won’t be home in time and Daddy can’t help me.” 

         She took off her glasses and slapped her book closed and placed it on the bedside table.  With a few quick soft nods of her head, she patted the spot next to her as she beckoned me to come sit with her.

          “Come on, let’s talk”

I literally jumped at her invite, as I crawled up the bed next to her, I blurted out    “Please, you’ve got to read this, I really need your help.”

          I handed her the letter from school.  I watched as her eyes scan the page and then the edges of her mouth curled up as she began to softly laugh.

          Why are you smiling? “What are you laughing at? It’s not funny, Ma’s gonna kill me!” 

         She looked at me for a split second and then suddenly she yells out

  “Debbie, you gotta get in here, quick!”  Her voice went right through me, why would she calling Debbie into our talk?

         My older sister Debbie came strutting into the room, with a towel draped over her shoulder and wearing a pair of those big, green and ugly rubber gloves, she was always using.

           “what’s up, I’m in the middle of cleaning the kitchen, Dad wants it done by tonight and I still have the bathroom to do.”  She slowly removed her gloves and stared down at her nails.  Barbie thrust the letter towards her, shaking it in her hand “You have to read this!”  Debbie snatched the letter and read it.  She grinned a little as she turned to me unsympathetically says “Yeah, so what’s the big deal?”

          I was totally flabbergasted, what was wrong with them?  I ripped the paper out of my sister’s hand and started to cry. 

          “I have to get a parent to signed this notice by Friday morning, I can’t ask Daddy, it’s just too embarrassing!”  The tears started to run down my cheeks.  “Ma’s not coming home until late, she will just blow a gasket when she sees this, she’s gonna pull me out of the best school I’ve ever been to and I really like it there and I wanna stay!”

           By now they were both laughing, so hard in fact that Debbie started doing this nose snorting thing she does and Barbie was bent over, almost falling out of the bed.

          “Stop it you guys, it’s not funny!” I screamed at them, I was shaking a little, not sure if it was from being upset with them or that darn letter. 

         “Marilyn, what do you think is so bad about this notice?” Barb finally said as she caught her breath.   Debbie was still snorting through her nose.

         “Did you even read it?!”  Now I was getting angry.  Debbie snapped the notice back out of my hand and read it out loud.

          “Dear parents, here at the Carroll School, beginning next Monday.  We will be starting our science curriculum that involves sex education.  Seeing as there are children of different ages within the same group levels, we felt it only proper and necessary to request a signature for our younger students. Please feel free to contact the Headmaster’s office if you have any questions concerning your younger child.

         Thank you

         Administrator to the Headmaster.”

         They looked at each other while attempting not to laugh, Barbie looks at me and says “Marilyn, sweetie, why are you so upset?  It’s not really a big deal and all the public schools are doing it now too.  You’ve just turned eleven, you’re old enough now, trust me you will be fine, Ma won’t care and she’s not going drag you out of the Carroll School.”

          My face started turning many shades of red and of course; Debbie’s the first to guess it.  “Oh no, don’t tell us, Ma hasn’t given you ‘the talk’ yet?”  Barbie then chimes in, “oh yeah, she hasn’t been home much lately.”   

         They looked at each other, you literally could see the excitement in their eyes, it kind of scared me.  They knew they had just read each other’s thoughts.  Debbie ran to the other room and returned with a big book and jumped on the other side of the bed, squeezing me in between them. 

         “Ummm, what’s going on”, I asked with a little hesitation in my voice. She was too busy flipping through the pages to answer me.  She stops at a page; it has a picture of a girl on one side and a boy on the other side, and with no clothing on.  My face was red again and now it felt hot. 

         “Is that what I think it is?” as I pointed to the boy “is that what the ‘Tinkle’ really looks like?” 

          Well, they thought this was just freaking hilarious.  Barbie finally stops laughing and in between her hiccups she chokes out “No Marilyn, that’s not the “Tinkle,” that’s called the Penis, it’s the male reproductive organ.  Who taught you to call it a ‘tinkle’ anyways?”

          I thought I was gonna faint, “I think it’s better if I wait for mommy.”   Debbie utters, “No, no, no, trust us, you’ll appreciate our way much more than Ma’s.”  I looked at them both, back and forth a few times, took a deep breath and nodded my head for them to go on. 

         Barbie points at the girl’s photo and shows me “these are the females repo organs, she has two ovaries, two fallopian tubes and a uterus. The uterus is what carries the baby.”

         I replied, “well, how does the baby get in there?”  Now this is where it’s getting a little uncomfortable, for me anyways, because their giggling again.

          “Oh please, for the love of God, stop with the laughing.  You guys must know how hard this is for me already, can we just do it without having to listen to the both of you snickering!”  

         “Okay, okay, calm down, would you rather us tell Dad that he needs to talk to you.”  Debbie teases and then she goes on with, “well, anyways this is what happens; during sex, the boy puts it in this part of the girl.”  As she points to the girl picture.

          “What goes where?” I said.

          “Oh, for crying out loud Marilyn, the guy’s penis or his ‘tinkle’ goes into the women’s vagina, which is right here!” Barbie shouts as she uses her hands between her legs, trying to demonstrate, but I wasn’t having anything to do with it.

          “Alright, alright, I think I’ve had enough of this!” as I tried to get up, they both pushed me back down. 

         “Just sit back and listen,” Debbie tells me and goes on with her version.  “Once a month the woman has what’s called her ‘period,’ it’s known as the menstrual cycle, it’s when the egg from the ovary pops out and travels down the fallopian tubes.” Tracing her finger along the picture in the book, showing me where it goes while she’s speaking.  “Then, when the stuff comes from the man, which is called sperm, it comes from his ‘tinkle’ and”

         “oh geese, so you’re the one where the ‘tinkle’ comes from, Debbie I’m surprised at you.” Barbie interrupted her, which didn’t make Debbie all too happy

         “Sssshhhh, let me finish, please.  Okay, where were we?  Oh, I remember, like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted.  There are about a million little sperm guys, they have got to swim up the tube to make the egg into a baby, only one of them gets there.  The egg then comes down the tube after that and lands softly in the uterus and boom, nine months later out comes a baby.”  She does this big Ta da bit, with her hands flailing in the air, she seemed quite proud of herself. 

         “I’m confused, I thought that show that you’re in at school was called a minstrel show, why would they name a show after that thing?” I ask as I shook my head.

            So, now they are just about busting at the seams and falling off the bed, and now Debbie’s snort is so loud, it’s more like a honking.  Then Barbie steps in and spits out, “No, no, that’s not the same thing.”  She pulled that last page out of her book and spelled out each word for me. 

         “Oooohhhhhh, I get it now.”  I was a little embarrassed, to say the least. 

         Then Barbie starts in again and goes on, “But ‘the prostitutes’ in Boston, they call it their ‘friend,’ because when they get it every month, they are so happy that their ‘Friend’ has arrived!” 

         I just mutter, “Huh?” 

         Debbie jumps in and explains that ‘A woman of the night’ doesn’t want to get pregnant, that’s why she calls it her ‘friend’.  “Because if her period doesn’t start on time, she is probably pregnant, which means she won’t get it for the next nine months.” 

         “Ooohhhhh, so I guess that Auntie Marilyn’s happy that she doesn’t get it, cause she’s pregnant now, right?”  I beamed, I was so proud at this point, I felt I was getting it. 

          “Yes, most definitely” Deb chuckled. 

         Barbie looks at me and asks, “So what do ya think squirt, do you understand any of this or do you want us to go over it some more, maybe in more detail, huh?”

         “Nope, I’m good, I get it, I really do.”  I didn’t want either of them to go on, they were enjoying this just a little too much.  I got the gist of it, at least enough of it, that I wouldn’t be so embarrassed in front of the boys at school.

          As I was getting off the bed, I asked them both, “Do you think that Nana had this kind of talk with Ma and Auntie Marilyn when they were young?”  They both stopped suddenly and looked at each other.  “You know she doesn’t know and I’m not sure either Dad or Ma is ready for her to,” Barbie whispered to Debbie.

         “What, wait, what don’t I know?” I knew something was up.

         Debbie looks at Barbie, then back to me, then back at Barbie.  “She might as well know, if she’s old enough to know about sex then she’s old enough to know about it.”

         I stopped short and just stood there and thought to myself.  “Old enough to know what? what was ‘it’?  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know about anything else, not if it was anything like their sex talk.”  I couldn’t move, it was as if I was frozen in time waiting for one of them to melt me with their next word.

          “I’m old enough to know what?”  I couldn’t stand it anymore, now I had to know!

          “Well, Ma didn’t always live with Nana and Auntie Marilyn or Aunt Sally, she was a foster child.” Barbie was the first to blurted ‘it’ out.  I just stood still for a moment, I was stunned, now I really couldn’t move.  

         “Huh? I don’t understand, what are you guys talking about?” 

         Debbie then shares that “Nana is Ma’s foster mother, they’re not related by blood, neither is Auntie Marilyn or Aunt Sally.” 

         “You mean that Nana is not my real grandmother and Auntie Marilyn is not my real Aunt?  But I’m named after her!”

          “No, no, they are, just not by Blood, like Nandi or Grandpa, they’re Dad’s real parents,” Debbie says rather point blank.

          “What? I don’t get it.  What about Uncle Charlie, or Uncle Norman, what about Uncle Kenny?” All I could think to myself was mom had a bunch of sisters and brothers.  Still confused, I went on “How about Uncle Herbert or Auntie Kathy, Auntie Barbara…what about poor Auntie Phyllis who died last year, are you saying that they, are not Ma’s real brothers or sisters?”

         Looking like she’s annoyed, Debbie rolled her eyes; knowing she’s in too deep to back out now.  “Yes, by blood, all of them but none of them are Auntie Marilyn’s or Aunt Sally’s real brothers or sisters.”

         I slumped back onto the bed, I just sat quietly.  My hands scratching my head almost pulling at my hair, I was trying to wrap my brain around this startling information.  I was still thinking I didn’t understand the whole thing.  I looked up at the both and could only whisper, “But why?”

          Debbie looked at Barbie as she turned and headed for the door, “I’ve gotta go finish cleaning the kitchen, then start on the bathroom before Dad comes home and he’s going to need something for dinner.  You can finish this story with her, you’ll do a better job than me.”  Then she was gone.

         I quickly turned to look at my oldest sister, “well, what story?”  

         Barbie took a deep breath and sighed, “You really don’t want to know this story squirt.”  My heart was pounding out of my chest, I could feel my face, it was still hot and dry.  I could feel the tears coming, my was stomach turning. I was trying so hard not to cry again. 

         I muttered, “I really do want to know the story, please just tell me the truth.  I promise that I won’t tell Daddy or Mommy that you were the one who told me. I really am old enough to know.”

         I looked up at my sister and she had this sad look on her face as if everyone in the world had forgotten about her birthday.  She gently placed her hand on my head and took in a long deep breath.  “When Mom was eight she found her three-year-old brother Richard, dead in a drawer.  After that, the state came in and took all the children from Ma’s real mother, all nine of them and placed them in different homes.  It’s all I know right now Marilyn and to be honest with you, it’s all I want to know” She looked as if she may cry, she may have gone back to her book, I don’t know.  I had turned away slowly and gently closed the door behind me.  I then ran down the hall away from that room as fast as I could, then out of the house even faster. 

         I had to get away, I jumped off the back porch, I stumbled.  I didn’t even feel the pain in my hands or my knees as they hit the hard dirt.  I got up and I ran through the woods behind the house.  I ran past my cousin’s house, past the line of boulders on the property line.  I ran until I found my way to the pile of huge boulders at the very far end of my parent’s property; about five football fields away from that house.  I crawled into the small, tight space, where I kept some of my most treasured possessions and all my secrets.  It had always been my safe spot.  I sat, I wiped the sweat from my face with my tee shirt.  I tried to catch my breath, it was so hard and quick, my chest was heaving and I thought I would throw up.  I sat with my knees tucked into my chest and as I rocked back and forth with my eyes squeezed tight, my head pounding, I sobbed.   

          

 

 

 

Author's Note

I have already submitted this for my creative writing class for school and the grade was very good, I just want some more review and critique of it, thanks