The Captain Goes Down with His Ship

This is a revision I did on "Eccentric Closet W****s" for a class. I had to switch the point of view and this is what I came up with.

 

As I wander

the halls in this

steel cage college

I am washed away

 

In anything other than

these jeans. They hug

me everywhere

she won’t travel.

 

And though this

watch kisses my

wrist I dream of her

salty smack on my

 

lips. My head,

a swimming mass

of curls she fingers

between tiding sighs.

 

I hide behind my

shades so they

can’t see my

bruising, sure line.

 

Does she know I

would shear this ten

o’clock shadow to never

sever the line I lie on.   

 

I tangle too

easy in her net and

these gold laces

on my sea blue shoes.

 

This smile is

untaming her rudder

so she can sail to

other lovers but

 

Be mine

once and for all

before I’m lost to

fashion and sea foam.

Author's Note

This is the original:
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/savesthedaynj/231424/

I don't like my title so if you can come up with something better, I'm open to suggestions. Also, any word placement, line break, general issues you find, the critique would be greatly appreciated!

Reviews

[Mark]

I like the innuendo. Nothing wrong with the title. After a couple of reads it makes sense to me. I like the cadence as well. Nice writing. Now say what it is you're thinking straight up. That's the piece you need to write.