Without You

The essence of love is incomparable. These lines are for someone for whom my life got its definition.

O, seraphim of my delusions…

 

How is life without you….?

 

What is life without you….?

 

O, seraphim of my delusions…

 

Without you life is a n ineffectual land..

 

Full of melancholy…

 

Without you life is a vacant ocean..

 

Where love bears no implication..

 

O, seraphim of my delusions..

 

Without you the days are longer than years…

 

Without you the nights are longer than eons..

 

The moment I feel you are near..

 

My heart begins to cheer..

 

Passion engulfs me and takes me

 

To a land of pure ecstasy..

 

Where the audience bell peals

 

With an alluring sound

 

Where the ethereal firmament are love bound…

 

Where the beauty is born of mute…insensate things..

 

Where love feels like

 

Some inexplicable feelings..

 

O, seraphim of my delusions

 

Never leave me in isolation.

 

Without you love is obsolete….

 

Without you life is extinct…

Reviews

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear @encrytedsshahbaz

I thought I might look at another of your other poems, having already reviewed one.

I like this one as I did the other.

1) Structure: One 26 like stanza.

2) Rhyme: You do rhyme externally on occasions, but there is no fixed pattern.

3) Rhythm: Quite a nice beat despite having some lines much longer than others.

4) Punctuation: You don't apart from questions marks and dots (...). I like consistency, by which I mean no punctuation or fully punctuated. You do largely the former (I don't mind the questions marks) but as I mentioned before, perhaps to keep it unpunctuated you could take out the dots.

I am not sure what useful purpose they serve. Alternatively you might fully punctuate and use commas and full stops. But I think as you do it over a number of poems, it might vary the flavour of each of them to remove them from some.

It's not a big point. Just hopefully something you may regard as a piece of constructive advice.

So standing back from the piece, it fits neatly into free verse, where anything goes. I think it works well.

5) Use of English: There is a richness to it. Not that all the words you use are that rare, it's just that in conjunction with each other they give the piece a pleasing colour. Words such as 'seraphim' 'delusions' 'ineffectual' 'engulfs' 'melancholy' 'eons' 'alluring 'ethereal' 'insensate' as examples.

6) Metaphor / Allusion: You use it quite a bit in an attractive way. As an example:

Without you life is a n ineffectual land..
Full of melancholy…
Without you life is a vacant ocean..
Where love bears no implication..

7) Meaning: Relatively clear. The difference between having the person you love away from you or near you. It is a single passionate song on the topic.

8) Impact and favourite lines: If you add all of the positive elements up and take account of how you ask a couple of questions at the start which you then answer, I find it quite an impactful piece of writing.

Three of my favourite lines on top the one I quoted above.

First:

Without you the days are longer than years…
Without you the nights are longer than eons..

A well expressed feel for how long absence feels when you miss the one you love.

Second:

The moment I feel you are near..
My heart begins to cheer..
Passion engulfs me and takes me
To a land of pure ecstasy..

Four neat rhyming lines where you show by contrast how ecstatic it feels to have your loved one with you.

Third and last:

O, seraphim of my delusions
Never leave me in isolation.
Without you love is obsolete….
Without you life is extinct…

Your ending plea for your lover never to leave your side again.

I think this is a poem with universal impact as virtually all of us will have felt like this at points over our lives

9) Overview: A well executed and colourful piece of passionate free verse. Just watch the dots.

Good writing

Your friend

James Hanna-Magill

[@encryptedshahbaz]

Thanx a ton James. You really are a great and constructive reviewer. A careful reader is always an impact full writer, so are you. I am definitely working on the dots.

[James Hanna-Magill]

It is my pleasure to have read two of your pieces now. I hope you will have found something of help to you in both. After all that is the job of the reviewer - to help and not hinder, Best wishes, James

[SyberRose]

I really enjoyed this lovely poem...beautiful...since you asked me to in your message for my opinions...I am sending you this url about ellipses as I noticed you enjoy using them. I use them to but am careful not to use too many. I really love this poem...Rose

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipses.asp

[@encryptedshahbaz]

Thanks a lot Rose for your time in reviewing this and your lovely and constructive help through this URL. :)

[Djourrisse Appleby]

I'm beginning to think you are in love n_n
cool poem.
you 're really good in making these stuff.

[@encryptedshahbaz]

Thanks again Djourisse:)