Still......

True story...

I see you every now and then

still...

in frosted breath

on a cold winters day

or in a snow globe

quietly alone

in a store window display

I've seen you

on the windshield streaked by rain

I'v heard your laughter in the thunder

I saw you on the morning train

It's been years since that night,

a lifetime since I've seen your face

but late at night when dark has fallen

I see you peering through the curtain lace

It terrifies,

I hate recalling

It was me,

the broken one

and yet I felt disgrace

I have no real recollection of time

stolen by the drug you gave

just memories of your face

and how I felt so betrayed

make-up streaks blacken mine

in tear-stains that I still can taste

suddenly flashbacks descend

I fear this dark dark place

I've seen you on the silver screen

in theaters I've attended

you reappear every now and then

memories of that night

in time suspended

I've felt you in the dead of night

when screams could not awaken

saw you in the fires flame

I feel you there and my body is shaken

shattered hopes

and broken dreams

memories embedded in my mind it seems

and through the threshold of blank expressions

and intermediate depressions

my heart still bleeds in lost concessions

of mistreated friends

and raped realities

left alone to rot in abnormalities

where cushions could not soften the blows

friendships disintegrated

and the ash blew away years ago

and still

I see your face.....

©bj smith

aka shallimarRose.

......Raped by a friend....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For more shallimarRose Poetry titles visit my table of contents in my blog...

 

Bits of Me...Table of Contents by title...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

be kind... ty

Reviews

[Keith]

You have helped us to understand the horror of what happened and the resulting pain that won't go away. Reading the RRs it seems to have helped many others, small consolation I know. Only you could write such a piece, very brave indeed it must have been so hard.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Keith... I actually didnt speak of it for many many years .. When I did finally let it out the words came easily flowing but with pain and tears yes. I appreciate all who read and I am happy if it helps even just one other woman/person... huggs

[Relic]

Hell is when a traumatic event is forged in the mind of a victim forever. To write of such tragic events may help. The catharsis is good for the soul. The event, however, will probably always be there against your will and I know that's something you have to deal with.

I hope you can find some relief through your writing. Not moving your pen could cause the thoughts to be trapped in your mind unable to escape. Writing is like a relief valve in a way when it gets too much to handle. I hope you can find some peace, whether through writing or therepy. This is a powerful poem. Good writing.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Relic. You put it very well for me to understand here. Yes , like a relief valve... It was trapped within me for years and years.. In March of 2010 when the flashbacks re-emerged after so many years it was like the air (words) would not stop flowing out of me... I didnt understand it.. Never had counseling but am looking for support groups.. Thank you again... xo

[bobc]

Some poems compel a reader's response. Nevertheless, I've struggled to do this with your poem. I think, in a way, I feel that my words need to rise to the level the piece lives at...its honesty, courage, vulnerability, shock. These qualities far outweigh anything else I might say about the piece. Words that occur to me fall so far short.

Sometimes, I suppose, a reader can only stand back and admire. For me, I think, this is one of those.

Very, very well done...bobc

[shallimarRose]

Bob, thank you for this. For most of my adult life I had not spoken of that night and held my pain in silence and darkness. I have this need the past three years to write it out... It helps me somehow to cope and in some small way I hope it helps others that have been raped. I do not have clear memories because of the drug I was given. I fear never remembering and yet I fear remembering perhaps even more. It's a long road I travel in the shadows of that night. Your response is perfect. Thank you for reading. Rose

[Vikrantsingh]

If this is true then - this is really painful and full of agony with awful condition and which noone would like to stay or would ever feel to go through sucha painful glimpse. I felt how did one could lured and then turned up to a disaster. But i'm happy - to see you smiling and left this far away and really marked this one out of our memories...
This could happen to anyone - As matter of fact we are human, we got feeling and still we are not stable with what need we want to have and share.
Lines which really broke down to tears..
my heart still bleeds in lost concessions
of mistreated friends
and raped realities
left alone to rot in abnormalities
where cushions could not soften the blows
friendships disintegrated
and the ash blew away years ago
and still
I see your face.....
......Raped by a friend....

Rose - Remarkable and really you must step out from those bad and painful X memories..

Cheers!
Singh :)

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Vik...(Singh.).. I do try..writing is therapeutic for me.. The truth is the flashbacks reemerged in March of 09 after many years keeping quiet. I have written a lot about it in hopes it will help others..Rose

[Vikrantsingh]

Yes this helps everyone - This will mark us under one line stating not to repeat!
God Bless you :)

[Cassie]

Ouchhhh!!!! that is a not soo good memory, quite sad to have something like that etched in our memories.

[shallimarRose]

yes it is.. thank you Cassie. It was a very long time ago.. and Still.........

xo shallimarRose