I AM RED

 

 

Tick tick.

Tick tick,

Time’s gone yet the time has arrived.

 

……

Its slit,

Its dripping,

And I see it all around,

Red.Red is the colour.

 

Red on my dress,

A white gown, I loved,

But he loved his mannequin in red,

Yes, it’s red now.

 

Red on my white skin,

It’s wet all over,

That’s how he loved his doxy,

Yes, its wet now.

 

Red in the tub,

Tub, his place to have a ball,

(And my place to purify my body with holy water.)

That’s where he loved his arm-piece in,

Yes, I’m in tub, drenched!

 

Its slit,

Its dripping,

I am red.

The way he loved!!!

 

Reviews

[Edward Beaman]

A woman's suicide after heartbreak. That is what I get from this. The subject is deep and important. However I think you could give this more body and spice (for want of a better word).

"Time's gone and time has arrived" - A little nonsensical, I believe I understand what you are getting at but perhaps adding 'the' before the second 'time' would be more appropriate.

"Red, red is the color." - I have a crazy suggestion for this. Too many 'reds' in two lines. How about "Wine? red is the color." It makes it a little more mysterious and links the usual alcoholic link to dramatic acts. Take it or leave it, maybe a totally ridiculous suggestion on my part. :)

"Thats where he loved his armpiece in" - I don't understand this. Armpiece?

"am in tub" - Maybe 'I'm'? Poetic license is great but not in this case. It looks untidy.

"
Its slit,
Its dripping,
I am red,
The way he loved !!!" - Great last verse, really good.

I like this poem, but I just feel it needs more work on it. The subject you've chosen is excellent though.
:)

[Sonashree]

It's sarcastic, Pricking u inside. Red is the color of love as well as the color of violence; of excruciating pain ;of anger .Well written and composed.Your poem has "smeared my senses" !! Keep it up !

[Michael]

red love death
nicely done putting the work of the Son of the Father who saved us all into written words, love is the movement, and I guess red is the color.
Invigorating, nice work

[Luke Newman]

Definitely a different style.
Thought provoking
Not really my cup of tea but it appeals to a large audience out there