the Middle

The middle is the first part of the beginning

Never had a straight line, continuous and infinite meant so much to me. That used to be my life. An endless stretch of possibilities. My life wasn't straight because I had never hit rock bottom, even that itself is a straight vertical descent from whatever level, but it was straight because I always got past it. Whatever it was that seemed to halt my movement and then continue moving in the only direction that I needed to, forward. This all changed briskly and made me as cold as the weather at that time of the year. Cold and dry. Now my life is not only a crooked line but broken in several places where my mind doubts that I can keep moving forward, at least in that direction. But I keep moving, skipping all the parts that I know I can't go through. Know. A derivative of knowledge. Something that should be good. Something that is bad for me. Knowledge is my own proverbial meat that is food to some men and poison to me. Once upon a time, I had been fearless and the confidence I secreted came off in robust proportions, so much so that it propelled me to do the things which would make an average man quiver. All of that is now gone. Leaving behind a mind so shaken that uncertainty is all it knows. I am insecure. I am afraid because I acquired a knowledge. The knowledge that this fearless heart can be broken. Knowledge would normally present possibilities but for me it is an aftertaste of an experience I dont ever want to go through. I thought I would feel better if we got back together. And so we did. But I didn't feel better, maybe I was worse. I have come to realise that a person cannot fill up the same space they left by returning to it. Cause after a piece of you leaves, your body begins to decay and to rot cause the protective barrier has been wrenched away with the missing piece. I dunno if a time comes when everything becomes okay again. I try to smile through everything. And live my life as though nothing had happened. Who knew pretending could be so difficult. My mind keeps filtering through her every utterance for those that are true, those that it should believe. Not that she lies, my mind finds it hard to believe anything especially when its those 3 words. A part of me wants to forget all of my past and start over. A blank page presents so much possibilities, just like my original straight line. I want the life I once had but I know I am stuck with this one for as long as God will let me suffer through it.