Chapter 1 - The beginning of a romantic tension

Emilia has became more distant due to her participation in Royal Selection. Still optimist Subaru is getting ready to travel to Karagi with Ram, without knowing what fate has in store for him on that

Chapter 1

"I am happy," Emilia began. "I am so happy. I never imagined I'd see the day someone told me they loved me…What should I do? You have told me so much of your feelings, but I don't know what to do."

"You don't have to stress over it," Subaru said, smiling, with his palm placed on Emilia's soft cheeks. "I am not demanding an answer right away…"

He thought he could keep up with that promise, but it had been two months already after that day; the day he defeated the Sin Archbishop of Sloth. But instead of getting closer to Emilia, Subaru had got more distant from her instead. Although they lived in the same mansion, Emilia had to go out more often than not, as her ally Subaru had gifted her with two major accomplishments: the former one above, and defeating the White Whale. Subaru was deemed a hero for a time. Still, he managed to pass day by day, patiently waiting for those few moments when he could talk to Emilia for a few moments, and make her laugh a few times. Still, in his heart, he knew this was going nowhere. His shenanigans could only get him a laugh or two from her. Despite this, he still passed his days…

"But I can still walk!" Rem yelled, to which Subaru replied by patting her head. "No, you need to rest, Rem-rin. However desperately my heart yells to journey with you, I have to blind it with shadows of my brain because you are ill."

Rem blushed when he said 'my Rem', and succumbed to his concern.

"Besides, who would want to go with Ram? I think she will probably throw me off the carriage down some cliff and then cry, "Subaru was kidnapped!" or something."

"S**t! Barusu, how come you knew of my plans?!" A familiar voice came from behind.

Subaru froze, and slowly turned in fear to see a cute maid with medium length pink hair and a cold demonic expression.

"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Rem! Saveeee meeee…" Subaru cried as Ram pulled him away from there with a strong grasp on his left ear.

Patrasche was running at her full strength as Subaru sat gloomily with Ram, who was looking at a list of things they had to purchase at Karagi. Subaru would look at her every now and then, but tried to avoid direct contact with her eyes. It's not like he hated her. Ram was an egotistical girl, who saw herself second only to Roswaal. But still, Subaru felt just like the former Rem, Ram's true nature must be frozen deep inside her, bound by some dark past. Although Ram had way more strength than him, she still was weak, compared to the average magic users around. He knew how she lost her horn, and the consequences she had to deal with after that. Appearance-wise, she was a charming one too, as she had a cute face which looked cool when she showed her cold, yet demure expression. Her pink eyes which reflected bitter sweetness when looked into them, then her breasts…Well, they weren't as big as Ram's or Emilia's, but their shape and size still formed a great figure in any sort of clothes.

"Barusu, could you please stop looking at me in such a perverted way?" She said, still looking at the paper, without making eye contact with him.

Subaru thought, 'F**k! How did she notice?!'

"I am more mature than Rem and Emilia-sama. You could ogle at them the whole day and they wouldn't mind thinking you are looking at them 'cause they are pretty. But I am different."

'Besides Clairvoyance, did she had the divine protection of reading minds too?'

"Nope," she said, "It's just that you are too easy to read."

"Really? If that's the case, pray tell me what I am thinking now." He closed his eyes in deep concentration, willing himself to erect as thick a mental barrier as possible, freezing his face in place so as to prevent her from reading him like just now.

'If only she had been less mean…I would have seriously fallen for her like I fell for Emilia or Rem,' Subaru thought.

"Bygone with your curses!"

"I wasn't-"

"There's no way you would complement me!"

"But I truly did. I thought if only she had been less mean…I would have seriously fallen for her-"

And then he grabbed his mouth. 'F-F**k! What was I blurting out?!'

- Thwack!

Her wand hit him on his head.

"Stop blabbering some nonsense."

Subaru stayed quiet for the rest of the journey, with a face full of embarrassment at what he had just blurted out. There's no way he would fall for this prude; he has Emilia… or he had Emilia, to be more precise.

'N-No way… he meant those things? But could he have really…? S**t, what I am brooding for?! He is just a wimp, a masochist, a really immature moron. But his eyes… I could see in them, he didn't lie. Umph! These are all just side-effects of Rem talking about him day and night!'

Thinking thus, Ram too kept quiet for the rest of the journey.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

The strongest aspect of your writing style is being able to carry a substantial story mainly thru dialogue. Telling a story thru dialogue is more dynamic & personable than telling a story thru description. However, I feel you could use a bit more description, here & there. I don't even know what your characters look like, except that the heroine has nice breasts. It would be a more well-rounded story if you brought in the senses . . . what do things look like? what does he smell like? how does she sound? Another strong aspect of your writing is how you do a good job of SHOWING the relationships between your characters & this is how we get to know them. Your strong characters could be improved, as I mentioned earlier, by knowing more about them on a physical basis too. Other than that, I admit this is not my kind of story, so I may not thoroughly review your entire book (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Shubham Sharma]

The reason why I don't tell about their description or their mannerism is because this story is actually a fanfiction of mine. And so the general audience I thought was those all who had watched ReZero anime, and so I thought they will know the characters and their character depth just by their names.

[barleygirl]

That's why I say this isn't my kind of story. I feel that it's cutting corners when you depend on a popular trend to take the place of solid complete writing. But I guess many people make money off trends, so good luck to you in that!

[Naomi Wicks]

I'm unfamiliar with ReZero and therefore I feel very lost with your characters, which I don't think need be the case! They have good dialog and potential. I think you could absolutely afford to offer more explanation as to who people are and how we can tell them apart. Although words like "cute" is subject to a person's opinion, so I'd probably refrain from saying "a cute maid" (what is cute? Is she pretty? Short and slim? Is it her outfit?). You could describe her pink hair as cute though, that would help me visualize the tone of pink as soft and pastel.

OK so grammar and structure wise, I think you can condense and neaten phrases like: "You don't have to stress over it," Subaru said, smiling, with his palm placed on Emilia's soft cheeks. "I am not demanding an answer right away…"
And make it: "You don't have to stress over it." Subaru smiled. His palm was placed on Emilia's soft cheeks. "I am not demanding an answer right away."
We know he's speaking it, and saying "Subara said" then following it with an action (two actions in fact) is something you can tidy up a bit (in my opinion!).

Likewise, this bit:
"Barusu, could you please stop looking at me in such a perverted way?" She said, still looking at the paper, without making eye contact with him.
Subaru thought, 'F**k! How did she notice?!'
Initially this doesn't make sense to a reader, if she's looking at the paper and never looks at him. Also the italics indicate Subaru's dialog is a thought, so you needn't saying "Subaru thought". You could, instead, offer something like:
"Barusu, could you please stop looking at me in such a perverted way?" She was seemingly still looking at the paper and certainly not making eye contact with him.
"'F**k!" Sabaru was taken aback. "How did she notice?'

Honestly though, with tightening up your sentences and offering a better introduction to characters we might not be familiar with, this can be really good! Keep at it! I hope what I said was helpful!

[JayG]

Okay, let me hit you with the biggie, right off, because that needs to be addressed before anything else. And addressing it will effect everything you wrote, in every chapter. It will sting a bit. And having been there, I know this is not going to make you happy. But on the other hand, since it's something every writer faces on the way to publication, you have a LOT of company, and it's not a big deal, just a bump in the road.

But before I hit you over the head with a club, a disclaimer to ease the shock 🤔 Nothing I'm about to say is, in any way, a reflection on you, your talent and potential as a writer, or the story. It's all about the craft of our profession.

Here's the deal: What you're doing is transcribing yourself telling the story aloud to an audience, mostly in overview and synopsis. That can't work, can't be made to work, and cannot be edited into usable form, first, because our medium will not support the techniques of verbal storytelling.

Have your computer read this aloud and you'll hear how different what the reader gets is from what you hoped they would, and what you hear when you read it.The problem is that the reader can neither hear nor see your performance, and there are no pictures. So instead of you,making the story live by how you tell it, they get a voice with no trace of emotion other than what punctuation suggests.

Making it worse, you're trying to tell a story in the way a graphic novel does, but without the pictures that would say so much about the characters, their mood, and reactions. That can't work. You've not yet had training in the tricks of fiction writing, which is very different from the nonfiction writing skills we're given in our schooldays. So the problem seems to be that you either bring your drawing skills up to comic-book art levels (or find someone to draw for you), or your fiction writing skills up to what's required of a fiction writer. Not having skills in either would seem to be a pretty serious problem.

I know that seems cruel, after all the work you've put into the writing, but the skills of verbal storytelling depend on performance (or at least pictures to go with the words), which the printed word can't reproduce. The nonfiction skills we're given in school produce only what reads like a report, and the skills of the graphic novelist must also be learned. Nothing comes for nothing, after all, and as with anything else, it's all in the "becoming."

I can't help with tricks of the graphic format, but if you want to raise your fiction-writing skills I have some suggestions.

First, you might dig around among the articles in my writing blog to see what you need to work on. Then, chew through a few good books on fiction writing technique.They'll help with the nuts and bolts issues. My personal suggestion, based on your writing, is Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. Then practice, practice, practice.

Bu definitely, you want to hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/