Sweven

A young adult finds himself wounded on the road crowded by people and has a vision or dream after falling unconscious...

The first rays of the sun hitting my eyes,

I was faced with a sight to behold,

Like an epiphany from all the lies,

An apparition, as death it was cold...

 

The face, a ghastly shadow of sorrows untold,

As pale and white as a bone,

Fragile yet untamed, hanging on by the last fold,

The hatred and wrath, all carved in a stone...

 

Its eyes, they gleamed as white as death,

Painless they looked, yet painful to look upon,

The mirth, the agony, the hatred, feelings of regret,

The illness of long lost emotions, words not undone...

 

At length I looked away, only to be shaken yet again,

All around me lay, unfathomable stretches of white sand,

Devoid of all life, a realm of terror and pain,

All around seeping despair, amidst which alone I stand......

 

As I stood in this inferno, despair, lone emotion in me, I felt,

A dread over all the sins, I had bestowed upon the land,

Fear of a reckoning for all my deeds, ere a final judgment be dealt,

For inside, I knew, "in hell I stand".....

 

At length, with all strength mustered, a drowning of my screaming fear,

I asked it, “what might you be?"

And it said to me

"Within thee I reside,

Thy sins, thy heart, they divide,

Thy guilt, anguish, pain and fear,

These ills, thy heart, they tear,

It is in thy fear, that thy world shall fall,

Thy guilt, it shall detract thy sanity,

And in thy lies, thy loved shall rot,

For in death shall this be thy grave."

 

As I gazed into the eyes of death,

I was confronted by a sweven, a construct of despair,

A requiem for all I loved and treasured,

A lament, a wail, for the perishing of love and hope,

A metamorphosis of all I held dear to a place, much like this hell, in which I stood........

 

As I cried, I felt the wind, as cold as death in my hell,

And I heard a cacophony, voices not distanced from pain,

Opening my eyes I beheld, a multitude of men and women,

And among them, near me, stood my life,

I embraced her with unfathomable strength,

Even as the crimson liquid flowed down my front......

Author's Note

Looking for reviews, please take the time and review it if possible

Reviews

[rnuff]

As I stood in this inferno, despair, lone emotion in me, I felt,
A dread over all the sins, I had bestowed upon the land,
Fear of a reckoning for all my deeds, ere a final judgment be dealt,
For inside, I knew, "in hell I stand".....

These words here have so much depth to them.
A very well written with awesome emotions.

[Sid]

Thanks a lot!!...kind of wrote it out of guilt over my own mistakes...

[rnuff]

well we all make mistakes over our life, we shouldn't live in our past.
I know there is hurt, pain, & sorrow. Life is a real stinker. We must grin
and bear it.

[M.M.I]

I enjoyed the vivid descriptions; you can pinpoint an emotion very well and describe it tactfully resulting in poem's like these that seem to tell a very personal story.

[Sid]

Thank you, glad you like it!!

[-GB-]

This is engaging..i liked the dialogues from death..Really liked it.Though my imagination says Death doesn't speak English..but id really appreciate if it does.It would freak me out of my bits if it speaks some unknown language.I have this weirdest Thought Death and I could be friends :P Haha.. lameness apart..Good work.

[Sid]

:D...that would be an interesting friendship...Thank you! glad you like it!

[Becca Bishop]

First of all, I've gotta say that the amazing amount of sophisticated vocabulary in this piece is really...well, amazing! Every time a saw a word I know I shouted "Hey!!! I know that word!!!! I know that word!!! I'm so smart I know that word!!!!". I love it when people try to incorporate the little known words into their writing like you've done with cacophony, sweven, epiphany and so forth. Good job. I don't know why I'm going on about words like this. Maybe I'm too tired. Are you tired? I bet you are. ANYWAY....

I hope you were kind've wanting critiquing reviews cause that's what I'm in the mood for today. I'll go stanza by stanza and point out all the stuff I thought about it. This is going to get incredibly boring. I suggest you go get a nice book and read that instead.

1) Very nice intro; liked how you started with the sun, which is always a good starting point even if it's rather overused. It worked well with this piece, though, don't get me wrong.
2) The main issue that I really had with this stanza was you're "white as a bone" line. I don't know why I've got a problem with it, but I do. It, like poems starting with lines about the sun, is very overused when you're trying to describe something white. I mean, you always think 'bone-white' or 'snow-white" don't you? I think it would've made the poem a bit better if you'd've thought of another comparison in place of that. Like, oh, I don't know...no, I really don't know. I'm going on four hours of sleep here and I feel absolutely NUTS!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Ok, anyway. How's you're book going? Good. Good.
3) In this stanza if feels like you're trying to describe bad and lugubrious things. Mirth isn't one of those, so it kind've sticks out and doesn't work with the rest of the words. It's kind've like one of those questions you get on English tests, you know? Which word doesn't fit: Mirth, Agony, Hatred, Regret?
A! I choose A!!! It's 'mirth'!!!
But yeah. Maybe you meant to do that. Moving on.
5) I liked this paragraph as a whole, but I especially loved the lines "A dread for all the sins I had bestowed upon the land/Fear of reckoning for all my deeds, ere a final judgement be dealt" I think we all feel like this at some point. Or maybe it's just me.
6) You're dialog worked surprisingly well in this! It was cool to use all the "thy's" and "Thee's" when death was talking. It made it seem older and less...lifelike I guess. Not that death is lifelike it's just....oh look at the time! NEXT STANZA!!!!
7) Whoopee for SWEVEN!!!!
8) Liked how you had the contrasts of him seeing both his life and his death. Pretty neato.

So yeah. I'm done annoying you for right now. You can put your book away and stop trying to tear out your eyes in an attempt to get away from my and my review. Good job on this piece! I absolutely loved it even though it might not sound like it from my review. That isn't me. It's my alter ego who really likes to spite people. Sorry! No matter what she said it was super duper awesomely amazing spectacularly wonderfully great!!! :D :D :D :D

P.S. I tried to draw a squirrel and it ended up looking like a goldfish. I have now idea how this happened nor why I'm telling you. It seems pretty impossible. Maybe squirrels are some kind of descendent of the mighty goldfish. Anyway....IRRELEVANCE RULES!!!! :D

[Sid]

First up: Haha for the P.S....maybe they are, you should create a wikipedia page telling everyone about that discovery...and whoa this has got to be the best review i ever got and i mean ever...so sincerely thank you for taking the time...as for a comparison for white i drew a blank when i tried thinking about anything else, sorry. Oh, and i used mirth kind as contrast to the rest and if it stood out like a sore thumb and I'll consider changing it and with death i tried using the regular you and your and all that but he just ended up sounding like a troubled teenager so thys and thees for the win...lets see i don't think i have left out anything so once again thanks a lot for this awesome review!!

[Phillitup]

This is good and very detailed...good work!

Phillitup

[Sid]

thank you...glad you like it!!

[Phillitup]

:)

[Shreyas Tripathy]

You are a magician and toy with the words to amaze the world !
Superb work !!
Loved each and every stanza of it ...

[Sid]

Thank you for those words Shreyas. I am still a college student and i love to write so feels really good to be appreciated...Thanks again!!

[Shreyas Tripathy]

you're welcome ! And it doesn't matter if you are a college student or a graduate ... I'm a college student too, no expert :)