Changed

For my real love also.. well ...

Changed

 

Why have you changed a lot

My life without you have stopped

It turned my white day into non-colored

And my full heart to simple gone ..

 

Why have you erased every smile

I haven't drew this by my pencil

I haven't drew this on my paper

I drew this on your heart by my soul.

 

Why have you left this heart today

It is still calling for you each and everyday

With my heart crying and learning how to die

But facing this life with full pride..

 

I won't beg you to come back again

Because my heart have lost the taste he want to gain

The taste of love and life my babe

It's now gone so my days ...

 

19/5/2012

3:37 PM

Author's Note

I hope you like this :)

Reviews

[Dove]

Theres a lot of deep emotion in this poem. You did a fantastic job writing it and I enjoyed the read:D

[Scytheriax]

"My life without you have stopped"
This line should read "My life without you has stopped"

"It turned my white day into non-colored"
I would try to rephrase this line; most people associate white with non-colored.

"And my full heart to simple gone"
I believe this line should read "And my full heart to simply gone"

"everyday"
Please note that this should be two words: "every day"

I liked the idea behind the poem, but I feel that some of the lines read a bit awkwardly.
The repetition of the word "heart" throws off the flow of the poem a bit, as well.

But the emotion of the piece is clear and well-felt.

This is a good foundation, but with a little revising it can be better.

[Scytheriax]

Also, "drew" should be "drawn"
Just caught that.

[Senseless whatever]

I do like this one. Good drive and push at emotion. I think the last stanza is the strongest. A little touch up and it could be great.

[Perfect Mistake]

Great emotion in this. Good job :3

[Black]

grammer isnt the strongerst point in this work,
but i do love the emotions in this poem,
you dont even need the grammer,
it is a piece that speaks for itsselfs

[just is]

deep emotions, i can feel this write, so well written and expressed

[Thea]

Sweetly expressed with intense emotions, Suhad.
Glad to read one of your works again!
Well done!
:)))

[AK]

So well written, I like your style Sudah! The emotions it carries are tremendous, tears were threatening to fall out of my eyes by the end of the poem... Keep writing!

[Desmund Tiny]

so nice and beautifully written...I like it

[khalid]

very nicely written but...there are some points i wish you can deal with them..2nd line; my life without you has stopped, ( not have) 3rd, it has turned my day, second stanza, 2nd line, i havent drawn this with my pencil, use drawn instead of drew in all lines...last stanza...my heart has lost...not have...the taste he wants not want...it is now gone as well as my days...