Before Time

This is the first of a series I have been working on for a while.

I am a spec of dust

born of nothing
drifting alone and unseen

in a universe of blank desires
until the morning light
bursts through a window in your garden
and splashes my eyes
and for the first time you see me

Floating among the debris
of fibers and dander and unknown parasites
a tiny glimmer
sparkling with the passion of a thousand suns

I gravitate to you
pulled towards you like the ocean is pulled by the moon
a bland whisper passes between us
and this spec of dust becomes a seed

 

Reviews

[Kenji Light]

Interesting piece. I love that this turned into, what I interpreted as, a love poem. I think that the concept of the love marking a period of time in our life, or a beginning is an interesting concept and one that I think does not get enough attention. This piece was very romantic, yet stayed with the theme that you had set forth and so, I think that it works quite well. The garden reference worked for me, I just think that the line "bursts through a window in your garden" does not need in your garden. It works just fine without it and your concluding line negates the need to explain further. Also, there is another line that bothers me. The line "sparkling with the passion of a thousand suns" is familiar language. The problem with that is that it is interpreted as being cliche. The object of poetry is to come up with unique imagery that is all your own. I think that by borrowing this, it takes the quality of the piece down a fraction. I think that a little reworking and this piece could really stand out. Good job. I am impressed. -Kenji

[Last Lying Look]

I really like this.
It's fresh.
I'd have to say that my favorite part of this was:
"I am a spec of dust
born of nothing
drifting alone and unseen
in a universe of blank desires"
That part was really captivating and such an excellent way to start this piece.
Great work.
-Elissa :)

p.s You have a very interersting bio ;)

[Ed Hart]

well, you certainly got numerous reviews to your poem...i appreciate what mr poet has to say, and i also encourage you in your poetic expression...welcome to the cafe...ed

[Dr Poet]

Well, all I can say is keep working hard on your writing as, although you're in the very prime of life and you've been writing for just a year, your ideas sound very good and effective. There's a lot of meaning in this piece and I couldn't help relating it to the vital and indescribable urge of youth.
Amazing last stanza in particular: I found the musicality of the first two lines flawless and also the circular closure on the "spec of dust" unveiling an illuminating revelation ("and this spec of dust becomes a seed").

And of course, thank you for your kind review.

True peace,
Dr Poet

[Michael]

You have a really interesting theme here. I can see how a collection can be formed upon it. Have you given any thought to a blank verse format rather than free verse? You are really close to that as it is.


Well done!

[poet2angels (lynda)]

This is lovely...
I adore this line:

"a tiny glimmer
sparkling with the passion of a thousand suns"
Great metaphor!

Beautiful!

Lynda

[Arthur Crow]

This is quite a good poem, very good descriptions and the mood keeps the reader interested.

Keep writing dude, poetry is an evolution, you'll continue to get better and better!

[justjenn_2u]

Welcome to WC!

I would love to see the sequel(s) to this piece.

This poem has very descriptive language. I value poems like this, where I am able to see deep thought has been put into each word and line.

Keep up the good work!

[Stephanie]

"I gravitate to you
pulled towards you like the ocean is pulled by the moon"

I love the imagery behind these lines. I imagine this is about two people gravitating to each other and I think you portrayed the journey well. I really love this. Great job :)

[Kenji Light]

Interesting piece. I love that this turned into, what I interpreted as, a love poem. I think that the concept of the love marking a period of time in our life, or a beginning is an interesting concept and one that I think does not get enough attention. This piece was very romantic, yet stayed with the theme that you had set forth and so, I think that it works quite well. The garden reference worked for me, I just think that the line "bursts through a window in your garden" does not need in your garden. It works just fine without it and your concluding line negates the need to explain further. Also, there is another line that bothers me. The line "sparkling with the passion of a thousand suns" is familiar language. The problem with that is that it is interpreted as being cliche. The object of poetry is to come up with unique imagery that is all your own. I think that by borrowing this, it takes the quality of the piece down a fraction. I think that a little reworking and this piece could really stand out. Good job. I am impressed. -Kenji