Caught up in Depression

Hear my story of living with depression and anxiety. I hope to know support others.

CAUGHT UP IN DEPRESSION 

Today isn't cold, the breeze is cool 

the sun shone brightly through the cool fluffy clouds

the kids talk loudly around me,

I sit quietly trying to hold what is left of the morning after I awake late at 10.30

I couldn't sleep last night, my eyes where awake and my mind chatter loud

I like the sound of silence in the early morning shroud

I read the newspaper, I typed on my laptop, 

I got to listen to my mind and see my thoughts

But instead sometimes it rules me 

I'm practising mindfulness these days are true

Ive experienced dark days.

where the walls around you get smaller,

All the doors become shut;

Your mind starts to scream at you,

It lets you know you not all that.

You have become an enemy to yourself.

The laughter you remember having, you wonder who ‘was’ that?

 Nobody there to protect you, not even yourself

The pressure lays heavy on the shoulders and heart, the stomach is nauseous

Your mind is tired and eyes are tired, but the mind chatters constantly,

It will tell you your absurd, no matter what you say or do,

no matter who you want to be, it all becomes a blur and unattainable.

Sometimes though, when the day is bright, you put nice clothes to reflect,

you step outside to the real world, 

where you can hear everyones thoughts, even Gods sometimes;

They tell you you're not worthy, your life is but a dread

So you turn to books and internet and try self care instead.

Who? where? why?  and how you ask?

And you try and wait for Gods next word or task.

Most of the time you feel alone more than ever;

especially when no answer come towards you, ever.

You begin to wonder whats after life;

If its better out there, when you not here. 

You think of your friends and family and their sadness if your gone;

but then you remember it only takes 1 year for them to move on;

and you wonder is it worth you livin and all that trying real hard,

Just for others to make them smile.

Most times you believe it not; and sometimes you'll try to think of a way to say good bye.

Maybe one where it wont hurt so bad, where it wont be seen as an act.

One where it wont hurt others;

Im always thinking that.

Sometimes, a thought will come,

one that says you always think, there has to be something that can help me

someone who will get me, who will care, 

maybe they can say one thing, and Ill click to who I was before

Smiling, laughing, content and beautiful.

l fought myself one morning, crying and huddled on the floor

I gave myself permission to finally see the doc;

I couldn't even drive you know, my mind so scattered, and unaware 

I called my Mum for her to come, I might have mentioned I was scared.

I cried the whole morning, I just couldn't stop;

Life was over for me one way or another,

It was time to do something, it was time to see the doc.

I felt like I had a figure of wise, someone who cared

In the room was silent, only me crying. 

I felt stupid, why would a stranger care; but he was my last chance.

The doc told me that there was light at the end of this tunnel

If I trusted him, he would help me.

It included tablets, exercise and an appointment with a psychologist.

I was excited to have a journey to take, a goal, of life ahead;

My health, my smile, my life would be restored

I followed his instructions; in 2 weeks he said I would feel a little better.

Other peoples thoughts that I could hear; started to dim away.

Thoughts of fear, and regret were replaces with clarity and logic;

Exercise helped my body feel tighter and I felt a little stronger.

I spoke to someone who helped me treat my thoughts

On which I place so much rules and importance.

I learnt there is a small space between me and these thoughts;

In which I squeeze myself into.

I place the thoughts on magic leaf now 

which I watch float down my magic steam

my thought hasn't disappeared, I haven’t tried to put it out of my mind,

it is only floating, for the next though in line.

Im not a weird person,

I'm not a dark repressed individual.

I'm a survivor of depression and anxiety

I allowed myself to be content with the fact , 

that somewhere I  ended up this mental disease 

I must live with it and love it;

Because it is a part of me.

I can take control of depression now,

Where as before, it had a control on me.

I have to still work on it, each week,

I talk to a Psychologist and she help me with strategy. 

Im grateful for my tablets, the ones that restored my dignity;

I’ll never by with out them, i know that. 

Once even the fear of that stopped me from not taking them,

What if I get in a position where I cannot get them and then it hurts more.

Always the what if’s,  get you and stop you from taking any action.

Now I maybe able to help another who deals with Depression.

I would love to help, I can share my experiences with you;

And my hope, which can be sometimes the only thing you really need.

Hit me up, if you want to talk.

Im human on this earth, just as you are.

You are not alone. 

Just hit me up, or pick up the phone.

Author's Note

Would love to hear you thoughts.