Writing

My Date With a Hammered Yakuza Dude

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

Before sunrise, a foot of freshly fallen snow in Hokkaido, Japan, and a scheme to liberate day-old donuts. Maybe inviting a drunken Yakuza dude wasn't..

My Runaway Foreign Exchange Student's SF Tenderloi..

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

"He's my firstborn, please keep him safe." Those words haunted me once I learned where my runaway exchange student was, and there was little I could d..

The Headless Hooligan: My Mother Confesses To My M..

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

My angry cop pursuers, a disappearing motorcycle, from our hiding spot we overheard the entire exchange. My panicked Mother confessing to decapitati..

Don't Steal From Your Coke Dealer With The DEA Wat..

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

Laughing at my burly, insane coke dealer's Belinda Carlisle synchro-mesh dance grooves was not an option. It turned out he wasn't paranoid, the DEA wa..

Dr. LoveGlove: Forbidden Pleasures On Tape

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

On a dare, my terrified 19 year old self decided to make the most of that dreaded prostate exam. The recording turned out better than I could have ima..

Fun and Games Until Your Bishop Loses an Eye

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

Who could have known our Bishop would be driving with his window down, on a 10F frigid night. Some bizarro bend in the fabric of the Universe all alig..

Faster Than a Speeding Bus: Say No to Stealing Fro..

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

Minutes earlier an angry, Ace Frehley looking character had been clutching the case as if contained gold bars. We couldn't believe he left it behind. ..

Tapeworm Removal Technician

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

Davey fully believed I was about to remove a fierce, 16 foot tapeworm from the tailpipe of our Bro, Trevor. Armed only with tongs and a ham sandwich, ..

The Basketball Head Diaries

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

"No food for 48 hours," there was good reason for this post-oral surgery instruction. The munchies led me to ignore it, and I was about to pay a horri..

Escape Plan in Dueling Banjo Country

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

The cop was pissed in the extreme, not a fan of our "Fast & Furious" style escape. "You think yer better than me, huh, huh?" Was the oft repeated line..

AM/PM Beer Cooler Takeover

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

A creative, if illegal solution to underaged alcohol access. Smooth sailing, until a cop appeared opposite me, staring right at me through the glass. ..

Shad Coulson's Beautiful B***s Destroyed My Reputa..

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

Woe unto he who falls asleep first at a trickster's sleepover. The very moment Shad's Mother is screaming into the phone to mine, Shad's boobies are d..

Crouching Gorilla, Hidden Drunken Dumbshit

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

Stuffing myself, in full gorilla get-up, into that recycle bin and lying in wait seemed like a good scheme at the time. 12 beers in, trickster dumbass..

LSD Church Dance: My Felonious Missing Wallet

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

I swerved to block the exit as the last car tried to leave. If they didn't have my LSD stuffed wallet, were the handcuffs all that remained? Was it al..

Nun Nurse Nelly's Vicious Backhand & Another Helic..

A Story by Matthias Gregorius

Another helicopter ride I wouldn't remember. Another ER Doc breaking the likely prognosis: veggie platter. A well deserved smack for the humiliating f..