Prologue

This part is set five years before the novel. Rebecca's family has been killed by the rebel army.

There’s a difference between the lies they feed us and the truth they conceal; the lies sound good, the truth sounds terrible. We believe the lies that they tell us because we are fools. And if you don’t believe the lies that they tell? Well, if you don’t keep your mouth shut, you end up dead. Then you are the fool. So you see, it’s a vicious cycle. So, you keep your head down and your mouth shut. Friends are enemies, enemies are friends. That is the nature of my world.

My name is Rebecca Grace Parker and I just watched my mother, father and brother die.

I lie crouched under a holly bush, watching as the men in black clothes and masks raise their guns. My brother’s crying. My mother’s staring straight ahead, her lips moving in silent prayer. My father’s staring at me, trying to tell me to run. But I can’t run. Somehow, I stay here, under the prickly holly bush. I jump as the guns go off and my father drops to the ground. My mother falls next and finally my brother slumps over into a muddy puddle. The twenty or so other people who were dragged to this field to die with them lie in the mud with their blood mingling with the earth.

I crouch, staring at the body of my brave, strong, kind, patient father. I tear my eyes away from his lifeless form and rest my eyes on my mother. She was neurotic and irritating but she was loveable. I can’t bear to look at my brother’s body; his name was Luke Mathew Parker and he was eight years old. Too young to die. I used to brush his hair before he went to school. His blood-soaked hair. I recognise the bodies that lie next to them: Paul Smith, the baker; Alice Johnson, who was in my year at school; Thomas Bright, the doctor who treated me when I had pneumonia; Samantha Hood, the butcher’s daughter….

I’m interrupted by the sound of feet tramping past my hiding place. I burrow deeper into the holly bushes, praying that they don’t find me and drag me out to be executed too. I sigh with relief when the footsteps die down. I lie in the bush until I begin to feel hot. Slowly, I crawl out of the bush to see the town where I lived on fire. Huge, orange flames rear up like cobras. They’re coming for me, they’re chasing me. I stumble towards the field where my family lies and continue running. The flames are chasing me. They want me to die. They want me to join my mother, father, brother and the rest of the town. They’re coming for me. I stumble over a tree root and it all goes black.

Author's Note

Just tell me what you think.

Reviews

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

You've hooked me in right away with what happened to Rebecca's family. Poor girl. What a horrifying scene you've described! I can feel the anguish right along with Rebecca. Dramatic start, right in the middle of things. It;'s especially sad how very young her brother was, just 8, not even making it to double digits.

[HipsterPrincess17]

love the story im hoping to read some more soon!

[jjwilbourne]

This is an excellent opener. Its very gripping and I have to know more about what's going on.
If you can, without directly drawing attention to it, try envoking a stronger sense of setting that intensifies the mood. Right before the deaths. There was a muddy puddle. Is it raining? Did it just rain but the clouds still work to block out what joy the sun wants to bring? Are they in the playground where her parents used to bring them both to play everyday?
I love what you have and the emotions you're pulling.
Excellent work

[A. H. Pinley]

There’s a difference between the lies they feed us and the truth they conceal; the lies sound good, the truth sounds terrible. We believe the lies that they tell us because we are fools. And if you don’t believe the lies that they tell? Well, if you don’t keep your mouth shut, you end up dead. Then you are the fool. SO YOU SEE (omit), it’s a vicious cycle. So, you keep your head down and your mouth shut. Friends are enemies, enemies are friends. That is the nature of my world.
I wondering if there's a different way to introduce your main characters name?
I Crouch (omit), staring at the body of my brave, strong, kind, patient father.
She was neurotic and irritating but she was lovable. SHE WAS NEUROTIC AND IRRITATING, LOVABLE NEVER THE LESS.
Maybe switch the order of the sentence when introducing your brother. I couldn't bear to look at Luke Matthew Parkers' lifeless eight year old body. My brother was too young to perish in this fashion.
Good introduction! Stick with it.

[tashavoase]

thank you for reading and reviewing it :)

[NoelHC]

Quite the attention grabber, for sure, I will have to look further at this story.

[tashavoase]

please do :)

[CookieMonster]

I really like it; it's mysterious, and it makes you want to read on. For the part, "And if you don’t believe the lies that they tell? Well, if you don’t keep your mouth shut, you end up dead. Then you are the fool." you might want to take away some of the you's. It's slightly confusing too. But overall, it's really good.

[tashavoase]

Ok, i'll try and work on the various you's

[Charlie Black]

You're a great writer (just be careful about your tenses; it's tricky, I know). But I was certainly hooked from the start. Good description, yet simple. I like it very much. Will definitely keep reading. Thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading on.

[Lucy]

Simple, well written. Very dramatic hook into a story. Nice sentence variation and great rhythm although you might want to be wary of tenses both past and present to illustrate things happening vs. things that have happened.

[Norah]

This makes me want to read the entire story! Very exciting and vivid!

[spitballing]

Well, it sure grabs you. I think maybe just describing it from the girls point of view(have her like hear gun shots, see the bodies, kind of drag out the scene a bit more), would help a bit, but it's still very interesting. Good start.