The Shower

Gore, blood, and everything nice!

         She entered the shower with some hesitation, putting her left foot first like always; since her mom died. She just begun doing it for no apparent reason at all, but it reminded her of her mom, Bianca. She died in the shower of their previous home; she slipped and fell on a sharp edge, killing her almost instantly. Amanda was only fourteen years old when she stumbled onto the scene of her mom; resting on the ground in her own blood. Amanda had never gotten over it, spooking her every time she thinks of taking a shower.

         Steam already rose to the ceiling, the mirrors closed and her body dampened before she even walked into the shower. She locked the door before she unclothed herself, also out of habit. Her father used to walk in on her while she showered, then did things to her she would never understand nor forget. He scratched it into her memory with a blunt knife, the edge dipped in an everlasting-memory poison. She opened her eyes wider and jerked her head to the noise she heard, thoughts of her dad crept back into her mind.
         Everything quieted down after a couple of seconds; but maybe too quiet. The quiet water running from the shower head put disturbance in her body, her senses rising by a pinch as well. In the silence, she heard tiny sounds, stuff she never noticed while taking her afternoon shower.
She closed her eyes after a couple of seconds' silence. The water ran down her face, soaked her blond hair, and trickled down to her toes, ending up in the drain after the perilous journey. Her hands dangled from the side of her body, the water dripping slowly from them. A low sigh was heard, coming from her open mouth. Water poured into it as she stood beneath it.
         "S**t..."
She fell to the ground, holding onto her throat. She couldn't finish what she wanted to say, but her face did the talking. Fear escaped her blue eyes, tears of water running down them; it soon began to turn to red tears. She closed her eyes, still holding her neck, but struggled to breathe. Blood, deep red blood, came spraying out of the shower head. Her naked body turned red in matters of seconds. Her body was numb with fear, but she managed to crawl to the corner where the blood did not sprinkle.
         "God, what is happening?"

A foul smell entered the bathroom, something rotten; it burned her nose for a while, but then she got used to it. Her mouth tasted like iron from the blood she swolode. 

The room darkened and the smell became worse than before. She saw something move outside the curtains of the bathroom, but then her mind dismissed it; new noises took her consentration. Her head jerked around to the left wall, something was in the bath tub. She stood up to look at it, but suddenly looked at the door; she could swear she heard something scratch. Her mind moved quickly and not syncronised with the noises and images. Her head moved from the one noise to the next, but she kept seeing something outside. The curtains blew open when a sudden gust made its way through, it blew icy air over her body making her shiver.

         "Who's there?"

Her tiny voice bounced from the walls of the bathroom, falling cold next to her. No body could hear her, she thought for a while. Sprays of red blood fell on her again coming from the shower head. Her feet lifted into the air when the cold blood touched her skin; sending shivers down her body.

Author's Note

... PLEASE I NEED HELP =[!! HELP HELP HELP!!! Anyone who will offer help to me, I will someway help you too....

Reviews

[NA]

Gripping but I think if you want to improve it you really just need detail, I know it's a traditional scenario but you need to throw a personal twist on it, more emotion, how does everything look, sound, smell, taste and feel?
Picture it from all angles, looking at her, as if you are her, as if you're looking down on her, as if it's a film, as if it's a picture. Grab it and shake everything you can from your imagination.
It's already a fine, small story, very gripping and interesting.

[Dominique]

This is so creepy...I love it but man I think that is the creepiest i have read so far. What do you need help with exactaly? I might be of some use to you if I know what you need help with.

[Jeremy Baker]

Excellent writing!

[Victoria PoetryBunny]

Wow this poor girl, the past of her haunting her through out. And the cliffhanger in the end of what will happen next. This is very nice, I like this, you caught my attention all through out the story. The suspense and haunting.

Correction:
swallowed
"got used to it. Her mouth tasted like iron from the blood she swolode. "

[Kenneth The Poet]

Crazy.

[Scytheriax]

Agreed with BigFrank's review.

[PaperDoll]

Very well written. It gripped me. I agree with BigFrank that it would benefit from a bit more personal detail. But I loved it. Well done. :)

[Aly Jones]

Creepy. What happened to her?

[Priscilla Sayers]

I will read the next part of your story as soon as I can. Life has me spinning from one end of the spectrum to the other, in terms of all I want to accomplish and all the responsibilties I have. But I think you are off to a wonderful start. I hope my advice gives you some help.

[Priscilla Sayers]

You have a good story going, truely. It definitely grips the reader into wanting to know more. The only criticism I have thus far, besides the spell errors(which we all have as we type our stories, poems, etc. because we write feverishly) is that you seem to have lacking in some of the description of what she is hearing seeing, for ex. The blood from the shower head. is she not fleeing from it becayse she thinks she is imaging it or does it subside for a moment while she listens, smells, reacts. Is she afraid to get out of the shower because she feels someone is in there? I would like to hear more of her thoughts, even in third person it can be done.
read

[Cascara (aka Sprint Goe..]

Really good so far!

Just add more