Self-Dungeon

Short poem written on July 8th

Rest human soul
you are chained to the floor,
yet you know where the key lies.
Your heart dies
as time flies.

Author's Note

Reviewing will be kind to get but I would like sincerity :) always appriciated. I dont mind criticism...

Reviews

[scatterbrain]

you have something here. i'm really, really digging this short lil thing. but you miss out on suspense, and give wayyyy too much attention to making that rhyme work. and i really hate this poem because of that rhyme. if anything, you've set the wrong place to rhyme....
i think you can cross boundaries/genres here and get into mystery and horror. here are my suggestions, already edited:

Rest human soul.
You are chained by my rule,
you are detained to my room.
There is no key.
There is no time.
Rest, human soul,
because your heart is meant to die.

fads;jlkjfzx.v,mw. that's my attempt. literally took 20 seconds, so there wasn't much deliberating. I would like to see it lengthened, perhaps doubled in size, and would like to see a CONSISTENT theme. "rest human soul" is aching to be a passionate voice, but "Your heart dies as time flies" is... blah. those two lines do not equate.

that's only my perspective. i love what you have, but I feel that there is SO much more. good luck :)

[Michael of Gilead]

I like it as is

[Caitlynxoxo]

This was a beautiful poem. I do agree, that the ending threw off the whole "free-verse" aspect of it, but all-in-all i loved the orphic sense of it :) again, beautiful! Especially this line:

"yet you know where the key lies."

that protrayed the message perfectly! xoxox Caitlyn xoxoxo

[Skin]

Nice piece
Says a lot within a small space

Small note Spelling Dungeon NOT Dungen

[...]

. i think these words read just fine ... they're poignant ...

[Andrew Scorah]

Liked this one, good cadence

[FlawedByDesign]

The idea behind the poem is great. The message comes through loud the and the length does not deter from it what-so-ever.

I'll agree with plelitte, in that I too fell like the 3rd line belongs in the end.

[.]

I loved the concept..beautiful ..I would have put the third at the end..but that's just my personal opinion, it works either way ..well penned

[Poetry Girl]

this poem was short and not much was said. i think you could have added more but its still good the way it is and i some what understand the meaning of it. i liked it but i would like to see it a little longer

[TAO]

Short, sweet, and full of meaning. We always have the keys to our own freedom, don't we, yet we refuse to believe it... can be that simple. Well said.

[Nyida Strong]

This is short and powerful. It reads almost like a haiku or song lyrics. Very well done.

N. Strong