The Lawnmower Man

Ray just wants one thing in life: to mow lawns.

I was at my first client’s place, pulling my trusty push lawn mower out of my truck bed, when the cop parked across the street. I pretended to not see him get out and walk over to me.

“Are you the operator of ‘Boom Boom Landscaping’?”

I was in the truck bed, restringing a weed wacker.

“Yessir, what can I do you for?”

I still didn’t give him the honor of looking at him, and continued fiddling around with the weed wacker.

“Well, it’s come to the city’s attention that you have been operating your landscaping business without proper licenses. Do you have any employees?”

“I need licenses to mow lawns?”

“If you are operating as a business entity you need proper licenses. Do you have any employees?”

“Why, want a job?”

Silence.

I looked up at him finally. He had that stereotypical cop look: military crew cut, pitch black and soulless aviator shades, mustache, and a face that screamed “I’m an a*****e. Hate me.” There was nothing left in the truck bed to pretend to keep busy on, so I jumped out of it to finish this duel with the piggy.

“Hey, are you seriously gonna bust my chops over this thing?”

His face cried from the tenseness, and his upper lip curled up. Now I was worried, not scared, but definitely worried. I’m not gonna lie, my a*s cheeks clenched. If this went on too much longer, I could’ve had a diamond factory in my a*s �" or at least a pearl factory. Those goddam aviators.

“Listen up kid, either get the proper licenses, or desist your little business.”

“C’mon man! I need this! I have my own pad I need to pay for!”

“I’m sorry. I’ve been here long enough. Just take care of this so I don’t need to come back.”

Sorry. Sorry my a*s. You enjoy doing this. That’s why you became a pig.

“Okay officer, I’ll bite.”

He nodded, and turned to his car. I saw him clenching his fists tighter the closer he got to his pig cruiser. I got in the truck, motionless, but hunched over like I was going to turn it on, and waited for him to get out of sight and out of smell away. I waited a good minute after he was out of sight, then got back out of the truck and set the equipment back out. I wasn’t about to stop Boom Boom Landscaping today, especially not at my best paying customer’s abode.

I walked up to the door, and knocked. Immediately, the old man came out.

“Why hello young man! Ready to work some sweat?”

Bruce was always this gay. His wife was a cover, I knew for sure, but he sure could give a hell of a tip, and he paid better than any of my other clients.

I checked the gas on the mower, and started her up. I was the master of my domain with her. I weaved art out of sod. My mowing could only be fully appreciated by airplanes, much like the Nazca lines. After the foreplay with the mower, it was time to earn my tip and high prices.

“Bruce, it’s a hot one out, eh?”

Bruce was in a lawn chair on his drive-way, with his pervy eyes enjoying the show.

“Sure is. You still drinking black and tans?”

“Sure as s**t.”

He always asked that same question after I mowed the lawn. I started getting the edger out, and when I was finished with that job, I was thoroughly soaked in sweat.

“One black and tan,” said Bruce, as he pushed his way out of his door.

“Awesome.”

“I decided I’d try one too. No more beer for me, I always have the worst time on the toilet after I drink it.”

“Disgusting,” I declared with a smile.

He gave me a flash of surprise and puzzlement, but snapped back to a smile and returned to his lawn chair.

“Beautiful edging boy, I can’t wait to see your magic on the bushes.”

I just shot him a closed lip smile, and got out the shears. It was time to make beauty out of these beasts. I finished in record timing, with no loss of quality.

“You sure can take care of a bush.”

“You get what you pay for Bruce, that’s what I always say.”

He nodded and rocked in his chair. His black and tan was drained, and showing not so flatteringly on his reddened face. I downed mine, and finished the rest of the final touches on Bruce’s lawn.

“That’ll be three hundred Bruce.”

Bruce pulled out his wallet for a stack of twenties. The old b*****d knew I was overcharging him, but he didn’t care. A strapping young fellow such as me only comes around to mow the lawns of creepy perverts once in a lifetime, and that’s only if you were a Jesus or MLK Jr. in your past life. He counted the cash again, and added two more twenties.

“For a job well done buddy. I can’t wait to see your work next week.”

I loaded everything back in the truck, and headed off to my next client’s lawn.

It was now noon and the sun was killing me. All I could think about was the pig’s aviators, and the old man’s attraction to me. What is this world coming to? Pigs and perverts�"that’s what.

I knocked on the door, and after about as much time as it would take a young lady to jump out of her sweatpants and into booty shorts, she answered.

“Why hello Amy, you look sexy as usual. May I come in?”

Amy bit her tongue on the side of her right canine, and gave me room to walk past.

We fucked in the kitchen. That was a new one. We’d been everywhere else in the house, but never the kitchen. It was pretty uncomfortable, since I was on bottom, with my bare a*s on tile, so I made it snappy.

I jumped right up once our little number was over, pulling my jeans up from my ankles in one fluid motion.

“I appreciate you tipping me before any actual work, you’re a doll Amy.”

“You don’t want anything to eat? Or maybe just a drink?”

“Nah, I better get to the lawn.”

Just as at Bruce’s, I was on top of my game, in fit form. I was aiming for a certain symmetrical design for this particular lawn, and did so in columns that the Greeks could be proud of. The edging was something to envy, and don’t even get me started on the hedges. I know how to take care of a bush.

When I loaded my gear up into the truck, Amy walked over to me, with shy hands that hid behind her a*s.

“Richard isn’t going to be home for another two hours.”

After a solid ten minutes on her sofa, I just lay comatose.

“What’s the matter Ray?”

“The world. My life. That’s what.”

Amy crawled a bit higher onto me, resting her head on her hand, with her other hand trying to revive my heart.

“Ok,” she said, there was sadness in her voice. All she could say was “Ok.”

I studied her face. It was beautiful. Her hair was tied back in a brown pony tail, revealing a perfect forehead, that reigned over more perfection. Her skin was silk, and I’m certain that no matter how many layers of clothes you put on her body, she would still reek of sexy.

I smiled.

“Well, my job ain’t going to finish itself, off to the next one.”

She frowned. It was sincere. She wanted to help me. She wanted me. She wanted me to take her. I got up, thanked her for the exchange of fluids, and did what I do best: move on.

When I closed the door behind me and headed for my truck, the cop was standing there. His arms were crossed, and legs spread in a power stance. F**k.

“Good afternoon officer, what can I do you for?”

“Listen. I watched you mow this lawn, and I watched you receive money from this resident after doing so. You didn’t do what I said. I gave you a chance.”

“Officer, please, I have mouths to feed.” Just mine.

“Well tough. I’m writing you a citation for operating under a fictitious business name without a license.”

“Boom Boom Landscaping is real, a*****e!” I pointed to a faded spray painting on the passenger side of the truck.

“Here you go,” he handed me the ticket.

I just looked at the paper in disgust and crushed it in my hand. He was already headed for his pig cruiser. I yelled. When he drove away, I sat on the curb and held my head in my hands.

“I’m sorry.”

It was Amy, she must’ve been watching the whole time.

“F*****g pigs. F*****g perverts.”

Amy sat next to me and tried holding my hand. I just planted it harder into my head. She gave up, and bowed her head down like me.

After forever passed by, and another forever was beginning, Amy tried to give me a hug. I got up and drove away.

 These were the meanest of times. A man wasn’t allowed to make a decent buck, the pigs were adorning Nazi procedures, and old men were taking advantage of sweaty young men. I was not bred for this. I was not meant to have my talents s**t on, and I sure as f**k wasn’t meant to have to throw my sexuality around to sell my services. I’m a s**t-- a w***e. I’m selling sex with the occasional odd-job that required landscaping. Maybe it’s the black and tan speaking, or the release of my seed, but I’ve had it. I knew what I needed to do to accommodate the Nazi system, but I didn’t want to. I’m lazy. No�"I’m afraid. I’m a giant baby.

I pulled over the truck. I laughed, and this laugh was of the maniacal variety. I couldn’t believe how I allow life to pass me by, leaving me in its wake.

Thank you to whatever higher power created this realm of s**t. You made me open my eyes. You gave me an epiphany, and I’m not going to let it float away. You bless me with something, and I’m not going to turn it into nothing. I’m an adult. I’m going to grow up. I have the tools to landscape this lawn that is life, and I am going to landscape the s**t out of it.

With a heavy heart, I pulled into the parking lot of the code enforcement office.

Reviews

[Paris Kim]

so this is what Holden Caulfield would chose to do with his life! it's very comical and there's so much youthful spirit in Ray and his narrative. and i liked how you pulled together all of his thoughts at the end and the simple straight-forward solution at the very end. dialogue is easy-going too. would love to see more stories