When First Love Fades.

A Poem by thundershine

A poem about getting over first love.

Have you ever been in love? Have you ever felt those butterflies spiral up in your belly and threaten to spill out of your throat? Have you ever felt clammy hands and embarrassingly sweaty armpits? Or felt your heart beating like a bongo on steroids?

I have.

I have felt the refreshing dew of an embrace enfold my soul like a waves of peace rushing over my electric skin. I have felt the heady drunkenness of oxytocin overdose make me feel as if I was dancing on clouds. I have stuttered and sputtered as my tongue forgot how to work. Oh the crazy feelings of one’s first love!

Sadly, first loves don’t usually become last loves.

I have felt the heart-gripping fear of feeling your love slip away. I have felt the empty sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach causing food to no longer become appealing to me. I have felt the hellish pain of ostracization burning a hole inside my body.

I have screamed tears from my eyes until I had no more tears or words left. I have felt the desperation of drowning in my own misery. I have experienced the death of a beautiful dream.

I have lived to survive it.

I have picked up the broken pieces of my heart and glued them together.

Yet a big black scar remains deep inside of me. It festers. It grows. Like a virus it spreads through my veins. The memory of that first love long forgotten.

I try to block it out of my mind, but it delves deep into my dreams. It disturbs me and causes me to wake up feeling like the wound was gashed open with a claw.

I have tried to love again and have succeeded, but I feel empty in this love. My soul does not feel full. My soul, alas, feels drained of life. It feels as if trembling droplets of blood are weeping from my soul.

Yes, I feel safe with this new love. Yes, I feel secure, loved and accepted. But I do not feel alive.

Sometimes I feel like a zombie. My soul is wearily limping along trying to find what it lost. I feel like I am still searching for something.

I cannot feel my new love with my soul. The energy does not set me ablaze with fire.

I still feel alone.

I feel as if my soul was only made to love one time. Once in the world of men I was able to bond myself. To this very day that love softly whispers to my soul.

In the stillness of the night as I lye my head to sleep I feel its presence. It is soft and warm and it envelops my soul.

Yet a great sadness pierces my heart. I know in this life I will never feel those feelings again. Whether they were fanciful creations or real occurrences I know not.

All I know is what I felt was real.

The shivering in my veins. The excitement making my head swim. The warm waves rushing over my soul. The smile that would not dance away from my lips. The trembling of my insides every time we’d touch. Those feelings were very real.

A ghost. I am doomed to waltz around this world struggle to ignore my heart’s delight.

I am aware of my missing half throughout my sleeping hours. I see him there and I always wake up in a bed of sorrows.

I fear I am condemned to feel this sense of loss for the rest of my years in the world of men.

Yet I hope.

I hope that someday in the word of immortals I shall be reunited. May that day be blessed.

I feel a stir in my heart again, but it is not for the one I am with. What is wrong with my heart? Is it sick? Is it dead? I feel as if it is shattered and I can only give a piece of it away and not the whole thing.

I am reminded on my first love in this ghost of him, and I feel myself drawn like a moth to flames. What has happened to my soul?

I feel those butterflies again, but they’re not for the one I’m supposed to be with.

I don’t feel like ever marrying. I feel as if I must float in this world like phantom; a mist doomed to think of days long gone and to dream of a future to come.

I feel as if my heart was mine to give away one moment in time, for now it has departed from me. It is still somewhere in the fog beyond my tear-stained eyes. Perhaps it is still with the one who haunts my dreams? I don’t know-all I know is, I am hard inside.

The soft, fleshy newness of first love will never return. A cold acid scarred my soul and froze the life within it.

© 2015 thundershine

Author's Note

Wrote this a few years back.

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Reviews

LostnotFound85

I hung on every word as I read this. Eloquently put together and it conveys all too real feelings that I think everyone has experienced to some degree. Once again, beautiful.