The plagues of death.

Beginning: The young tony appeared to be as any ordinary child in Osaron minus the thievery and homicide the children residing committed every day.

Osaron

 

As the boy struggled in what was a life and death situation he was subdued into submission. With A precisely timed kick to the throat made the boy's head fall into the execution slot. Sweat sat on the man’s brow as the vibrant; yellow-orange sun beat profusely on his. He looked down at the struggling boy, angling for a clean cut, as he put a vice grip on the axes handle. Some distance away a mid-aged boy began to whimper at the thought of losing his friend. He still, through his tears debating on whether to leave his friend in his final moments or to watch his gruesome death, wanting to turn away but hesitant in the same motion. The one being executed , had been a dear friend that had been with him since the beginning of his early childhood years. In his friend’s eyes he could see that his fate was inevitable. They knew eventually they would get caught stealing in the marketplace, but this was not what they thought the outcome would be. Although he had not many friends after being given the titled name of an alienated child from the rest of the strong yet dull minded boys within Osaron. Although the boy and tony verdaine where his only friends he did not interfere with his only friend’s death. He began to ponder about the reason of his beloved friend’s death. A mere apple being stolen is reason of his death. It was such a pity that this should happen to his friend. The young boy seemed to think back to the first time they met....

 

It was the end of winter but the snow still was falling; blanketing the ground; with a heavy sheet of snow. The young twelve month old baby left aside in the crib alone, Alki son of the king, was left in the blizzard. After the king’s assassination he was left alone, casted away. The queen found out about the affair between the maiden and the king after his death when she found out of the maidens pregnancy she set out to kill the maid and her unborn child for it was shunned in the land of Osaron. It was seen as treason but the respect of her people was in her better interest better to let the matter stay under wraps. The maiden quickly learned of her discovered betrayal. The maiden Joana slipped into the courtyard as the queen chased her ranting about the un-loyal maiden. The young maiden tripped over a nearby bush leaving her aching on the ground. The queen grew nearer till she hovered over Joana “You dare defile the throne the king thought you of nothing but a w***e of the court.” spoke the queen as she had a small amount of uncertainty in her voice. Perhaps the queen had grown unattractive, the king betrayed her. Quickly she stopped this rash thinking and began to think the worst she forced herself on the king.”No my lady your late husband choose me please spare me and the child I bare. Not for me but your husband’s son.” As she spoke a spark of thunder stroke the woman’s back leaving the breath knocked out of her leaving her unconscious as the maiden took into account on what just happened she began to take wind away from the unconscious queen. The woman fled to Zina a nearby city, where she died in labor.

 

With no relatives Alki was passed into the Taylor family who beat him. And these sad happenings lead to the escaping of the Taylor family and the killing of those inside the mansion. At the age of only 12 he was On the streets, hungry he began to thieve keeping one rule in mind steal from those who can afford it and suck dry those who do not deserve the wealth.

 

Alki spotted a nice apple on the cart of the trader it was to be 1 sile coin, but he only had half sile coin in his possession. With a well thought plan he proceeded to crouch besides the market building. He was eyeing the great delicacy. He had not had such a luxury in a while since he forbids himself from thieving. This was just too much to let go. Carefully he climbed the ladder and walked across the board between the buildings. Then he grasped the apple lifting, lifting, lifting his heart fluttered as it fell right onto the shoulder of the salesman. As he looked up he was frustrated the third robbery today! “GUARDS” sounded the man as dart pierced his arm and he fell silent. The nearby crowd shrieked in terror. Then
Makel jumped down grasped Alki’s arm running through the marketplace Alki
struggled to keep up. After a long run they stopped in an alley. The boy spoke
“I assure you, that you will steal no more come with me. I am Makel, thief of the fox’s.

 

Coming back to reality he saw what was occurring. For now was the time when one of his only friends would pass into the void .With with one final breath he told his friend "we shall meet in the void once again, may chaos guide you”. As they glanced into each other’s eyes they both knew that the two friends would be no more that his fate was truly inevitable.

               The executioner meet mid swing as two arrows whispered its presence to the air as
it seared past the dark corner of the churches decrepit walls. The steel rods
from the dark abyss of the corner plunged deep causing great pain to its
pierced victim. The first hit with a thud followed by a gulp the throat began
to trickle a sound of crimson blood. Next to the heart of the nearby guard,
with a thud the executioners fell along with axe and its owner the guard. In
the corner a figure appeared to transform from his ghostly figure into his
black shadow. As the golden rays of divine light shun into the disheveled but
easily noticeable young face .They young boy on the block looked to his savior
thinking him to be a guardian from the heavens smiled from ear to ear saying
repeating "praise Zeus praise Zeus"

                 Only to be caught in dead sentence seeing a boy with blond hair was pleased to see
his long known friend Tony Verdaine an outcast as well. He was excelling in
archery but an overlooked talent for his people the Osaron. his eyes as
pitch-black as a raven's feather wing, glided from his victims pulse ridden body
to his friends. Only uttering one word “Run his friends may you return home
soon” They all nodded a dispersed from the location each going home without any
words they all understood that thievery was punishable by death for it was the
code of the Alki brethren.

                  Tony wanted to show everyone that I was different, but people don’t take too kindly
the fact that using his mind, the boy could set their house on fire. Or that he
can pierce an arrow in their skulls if they were rude. As he, Tony saw it; he
was compared to any other child in Osaron as a useless child. He wanted to be
like them well, besides the pick pocketing and murder, the other children in
Osaron dedicated their time too. The thing was that he appeared normal to those
only, who were not truly being acquainted with him, which most didn’t do
because he would invade their minds. When, he became angry about something
they’ve done, he would punish them by giving them diseases fit for their crime.
Not too many people cared for his talents. Those who saw his true powers exiled
him like the omega of the wolf pack. Always he tends to feel unique, but when
it came to reality he pretended he was as ignorant and arrogant as the others.
Tony tried to fit in, but he couldn't even pick his pocket. Also killing a
chicken was impossible let alone another person. He stuck to the alleyway the
best He could so he wouldn't be an easy target. He thought it was very pathetic
of him; he slinked around just so he could get by and not hurt anyone. He’d
recall that time he once killed a man, then again he tried to rob him and he
vowed to never do it again .It, seemed that the boy could feel the emotions of
things as they die.



                  Like all magnificent people, Tony had a secret instilled within. After, being chased
away from the “normal” Osaron kids sometimes he would go to the fields, while
gazing into the clouds. He would lie on his back pondering how to seek revenge
without hurting them. The boy would become bored over time sending strikes of
crimson flames down to the forest. They would set aflame until he drifted sound
asleep in the fields then along with him the fires fell fast asleep.







                  Although, something possessed him to not slaughter or pickpocket, like those in the mist
of twilight. He instead, decided making a sincere living with his family by
being a Blacksmith. There was only an individual thing on his frame of mind as
he drifted asleep .It was that he would awaken to be normal. Always, he was
wishing to be normal like all the other children. Yearning of going a day
without feeling dreadful about squashing a worm or eating a rooster.



                  As he shut his white eyes, (that have been there since the sighting of a
meteorite) he asked Zeus for one wish, to be ordinary.



              The unraveling of plagues

          All seemed ordinary on the dirt paved roads of Osaron. The cold night’s wind howled
as if it was trying to obliterate the city in one tremendous gust. That gust
would sing a different tune, an ill fate, not just any ill fate but one that
would change the world…

              The scent of crimson blood sifted itself into the presence of the sleeping boy in
one of the ordinary buildings that resided in the marvelous city. His nose,
lead himself to the desire to quench his thirst for the answer to his
curiosity. As the young Tony struggled to pit his need for sleep against his
desire to find what was going on his home he sat up half awake. Tony looked
around rubbing his eyes as he slowly looked around the room. Seeing that there
was nothing but the suspicion of a foul stench from the butchers market he
started to resume his rest. He tried to swindle a few more moments before going
to work with his father on the anvil. Even though he was tired (vaguely
remembering the anvil, the hammer, and the sword from yesterdays hard labor) He
thought his self satisfied, yet Tony woke again as he groaned and yawned, as
his curiosity still poked at his nimble mind looking for a way to exploit the
sleeping desire. The clashing of iron met their climax as they approached his
presence. This sent his emotions spiked. Giving of the emotion he disliked the
most horrifying emotion he had ever known, fear. Fear began to instill itself within
the Tony. Only one thing raced on his mind which he would given anything not to
be. He was grief stricken about at that particular moment …death. Even though
he was stricken with the dark thoughts rambling through his mind, his curiosity
was on edge to the point of where it was stronger than his fear.  His
heart began to leap, a bead of sweat sat on his brow. Excitement settled into
his throat, followed by a shutter stealing his body's movements, the trembling
of his arms and legs stronger than ever. The boy’s curiosity still lingered but
fear began to ensnare itself onto him.



          The boy’s insides began to lurch and churn at the outcomes that might befall him.
His heart began to pound against what seemed to be paper thin skin he felt
every beat as though it was soon going to come up his throat. His coward like
instincts filled his absent mind. He scampered across the room into the
wardrobe he went .In perfect unison with his actions three shadowy figures
barged through the door and a powerful wind set the wardrobe door into the
young boys face. Knocking him flat on his back. The boys head began bobbing,
his head feeling as if it were, swaying in a rapid tempest as a whomping willow,
would as he stood noticing the small trickled streak of blood emanating from
his forehead.

          As he looked down the confined wardrobe his heart began to leap through his chest,
panting wildly as though he had seen death and he was not meant to meet an
untimely fate. Before him appeared a young but disheveled man and two cloaked
figures fighting in what seemed to be locked into fight to the death. Both
party giving each other the looks of utmost haste as though they were also
locked to each other’s gaze which gave of the feeling of a deadly serpent to
another.

The warrior took his blade tilting it over his body ready to strike the opponents
before him. With a swift blow he rekindled the fight .The cloaked man blocked
the blow deflecting the massive hit from his throat. The cloaked man swung the
blade to the head of the warrior but weaved back to the wall dogging the almost
critical blow with every bit of his effort.



In retaliation he began to strike the cloaked man with a jab, making the man groan
feeling the sword pierce his throat. The man began to grunt and walk into the
blade embedding it deeper and deeper into his tranche. The warrior gazed into
the black pit of the hood all he could see was the demented face of a man not
of this world but from hell itself. He removed the blade from the man. He
leaped avoiding a kick aimed exactly for his legs from the other cloaked man
with. His fear of death began to build as sweat dripped in the fight for his
life .The cloaked man took his sword piercing it into the foot of the warrior.
They both went to clash at each other when the other stood from kneeling on the
floor .With one swift strike the cloaked man sent the combatant’s sword into
the wall.



The man ran without delay to grasp it.Grasping its hilt once more the man prepared
to terminate the men who invaded his home. The warrior spun only to be given a
slice to his back. The blood flowed as if the warrior was one of the excellent
oxen throats we used to sacrifice to Zeus. The crimson channel dripped pleasing
Gaia, mother of earth. He began soaking the earth with blood, fulfilling her
desire for pain for mortals.



The warrior dropped to his knees at the mercy of his enemies. The warrior now at
the feet of his enemies, not asking for mercy, but with pride and dignity he
spat at on boots of his foe. He wheezed and gasped for air as he stood once
more additional time. Striking one of them leaving a fatal blow to the neck .In
reaction to severe hit the man simple had cracked his neck back into place with
a disgruntled attitude as though he was done toying with his prey. Steadily
building a sort of chuckling his metallic voice.



The warrior full of hopelessness fell once more. The  cloaked men placed their
blades resting on the shoulder of their victim chanting



"Death to all those of Osaron the grand city will be no more it shall perish beneath
the god’s no man shall prevail!”



The blades began to cut a small number of the man’s long disheveled beard as they
toyed with him wanting to make the experience of toying with the man to the
maximum.



The warrior spoke gasping “Vermin you are no more than vermin. “



As he began to speak again his head had been separated from the body. His head now
lay at his feet as his body and his head hit the ground in one united thud.
Tony had let out a gasp as they walked closer to the wardrobe, he busted out,
as they blocked the way out. Despite the murder he had just seen to his
bewilderment fire blazed from the hands of the two the two cloaked assassins.
Unexpectedly, part of a flame strike me as tony began to gain full conscious
.Tony soared into the air feeling a slender jolt of pain. His hands began to
set on fire, and his head burst into flames. Oddly he no longer felt any pain.
He remembered who the warrior was as he suffered these lacerations ……his father.



At the thought of it the flames began to advance to a vast amount than before.
Tony gazed as the two monstrous people strode into the daylight. The writing on
the cloaks shone vividly in the rays of shining beams. Light beamed through
the holes in the roof as the flames have formed. He stared into the black pits
of their eyes in the cloaked as we. Both realized only one would be leaving.
His home he had built by hand with his father was in ruin.



Tony spoke “You will pay for their crimes with their lives.”



Tony had feared death for his entire life but, it seemed to be the lone thing in the
air .His only weapon failed him as they whispered and the words made the flames
disappeared. The weapons are outside.



Tony blade basked its presence, within in the fire pit with ash. He has nowhere to
go nowhere to run .Nowhere to hide……nowhere to live to tell the tale. Tony
began to strike with his fist. Once more they uttered additional words. Now,
there Tony stood frozen firm as bar of. A hissing voice filled the air “You are
the chosen , kill Zeus and his brethren and we shall bring a end to Olympus the
rise of man and titan have came again.” Before he could grasp what occur a
blade came for his neck to inches away. He whispered to himself



“Will today be his time for death to seize me as my father’s was? If so it will be an
honor.”



The blade lowered, the cowards storming from his house began to run through the
marketplace setting fire to the items in the market. He began chasing them with
haste, on their trail as a tiger would track his gazelle .They ran into the
forbidden forest .He paused for a moment as he couldn’t go any further for he
was scared of the forest even as a boy because of the yellow eyes of the wolves
in the nights suppressing darkness. The local’s say the weather changes rapidly
and rarely anyone leaves .But he took a deep breath and ran in anyways.



Putting his fears aside he told himself, “I must avenge my father, my home, my honor!”



As the howl of winter’s night swept past his ears he ran. Despite the creatures
Tony feared lurking in the night .He tore through the branches and debris
searching for revenge. Sweat dripped as if it had been a scorching desert.
Leagues away he spotted the masks of hiding in the bushes of an oak wood fern.



Tony's young jaguar like boys heart pumped as he was stalking his prey. Thud, thud,
thud is all Tony could hear and they were all he could see. He would have his
revenge in one night turn. Tony began to climb the vines from the tree which he
was to pounce upon his victims below. Taking his time he took vines from the
tree to make the most perfect nooses he has ever made.



Tony had made many after all he is of course a blacksmith. The droplets of rain fell
upon his skin even now tony still felt fire within stronger than ever before.
Now is the time to take his course of revenge to repay them for the suffering
they have brought upon his mother, and his three year younger 13 year old
sister. Slowly he lowered then, loosened the noose sending it down to the throats
of those who took his greatest part of his life. As quite as can be he took a
hold of a branch to break off to spring them up.



He sprung it free with a kick from his black leather boots. At the sound of a
crack of their necks Tony felt as if he could possibly be joyful again
regardless of all the pain he was suffering as he lowered them down from their
rightful place only to come back to reality that his father was dead. Startled
by a branch behind him he turned around. There stood two en masks’. Out of thin
air they disappeared leaving smoke .He looked back at the two he had killed.



They where decoys he should have known! He murdered innocent lives he turned their
bodies upright. Their hands were bound with rope. Taking off the masks slowly
he looked. Sorrow swept over his body letting out a fierce cry the gods could
hear. For they were no strangers it was no other than his mother and sister!



At that very moment he lost all of his family, all of his life had gone to ruin
with nothing to live for madness swept over him. Tony burst into flames once
more touching the ground nothing set afire. The boy knew what he must do .Take
his vengeance against anyone in the way.  



          The moment he exited the forest the local townsfolk had arrived a torch here and
there dimming itself in the rain. The city of people hadn’t spoken just staring
empty of every other emotion than utter disgust for what the boy looked like a
fiery boy just waiting. The boy had yet to understand why they appeared there not
being able to do anything but stare back. His inside began to flip as he
realized what this was the city was known to kill those with the powers of the
gods thinking them to be demons from Hades.

          Rain began to pour down heavier than before puddles of mud stood between the
distorted boy and the mob pouring from the city. He being outcast had pushed
him to the limit he began to shift into fire. His power began to grow he could
feel It inside him somewhat speaking to him trying to con him into murder.

“It has been so long since have been free but now I've we’ve….. I like….. That word
I control you I know best. We must murder master .We have done it before lets
us does it again...” spoke the cruel yet logical voice.



“What are you ….what am I becoming” spoke tony his mind in complete disarray as the
city folk all acted differently some moving towards him some running

“You heard me let me out, ands we cans be together that foul creature you call
father cannot stop us nose mores” once more wheezed the voice.

The city folk became impatient and had charged at the boy, the creature had taken
over.

As it continued to rain that night the boy went into rage tearing man and woman
alike until there was no more life in his presence. He awoken feeling sorrow as
he had murdered friends and family that night he had no one left .Just as this
thought entered his mind a voice once more prodded itself into existence.

“Master you see what I does for you I kill all those who were mean to you all those
who was an evil to you know you take Osaron and slay more filth. You are the
lord of Osaron takes yours a how you say rightful place!”

“They no stop you fore I know you’re strength I was born with you we are not we you
is I”

“What kind of demon are you throw yourself from my body leave.

I leave you die your needs me master down forget that hiding me because you
thinks I am strange I’ll be damned your city folk were going to kill you so I
dis it for you eyes let you know that you owe me ….you owe us yes us does deserve
to be repaid for what we’ve done!” said the decrepit voice conversing within
tony mind as though it was the prison of this being.

“What are you “how "who -what are you in me for.” Spoke tony waiting
impatiently as he weighed the odds against either his family's death provoked
his insanity.



Master as you do not remember let us drift into the past for I am not the only who
entitles you master there shall be a wreck and a havoc on the world who have
treated you so …let us go back to the night you lay in the cold .

  Zea’s origin

 

 

Author's Note

What do you think of the text,what are all the issues you could find?

Reviews

[Becca Bishop]

This is so much better!!!! I'm gonna do my annoying little bulleted list again so here we goes :D

-Well, first of all lemme say that your description has improved SO MUCH!!!! It's really great!!! However, despite the awesome description I'd suggest adding more action scenes to help the story move along.
- "Although, soon that gust would ring a different tune, an ill fate, not just any ill fate but one that would change the world..." Can I suggest a revision for this sentence:
Soon that wind would ring a different tune, a tune of ill fate. And not just any ill fate, but one that would change the world....
Or something like that.
- "Even though he was obviously tired (phased obviously from a hard day worth of labor," his curiosity...."
First of all this is a really long sentence and probably needs to be shortened. Second of all, you're at it again with the obviously :P You probably also don't need the parenthesis in there.
- "shutter" = "shudder"
- "limps" = "limbs"?
- "...more stronger" is redundant. Take out the "more".
- "emanating" is not used correctly in this context. Try something simpler like, "...noticing the small trickle streak of blood running down his forehead."
- I'm confused. How many cloaked men are there? One or two?
- Choose either first person or third person omniscient. It's really confusing when you do both.
- "....as they toyed with him wanting to make the experience of toying with the man to the maximum." Maybe you could revise this sentence? Really all you need to say is that the cloaked guys were toying with the warrior. Sometimes less is more and all that :P
- "'Vermin you are no more than vermin.'" Once again you repeat yourself. "You are no more than vermin!" would suffice.
- "His head now lay at his feet as his body and his head hit the ground in one united thud." I'm sure you can see the problem with this sentence.
- If the cloaked being want him to kill Zeus and help him, then why are they trying to kill Tony? I guess this part just doesn't make much sense to me.
- Why do blacksmiths need to know how to make nooses? It seems more likely that they'd be better with combat than traps since smiths are notorious for being strong because of their line of work.
- Man that part always gets me!!! I can't believe he killed his mom and sister!!! Just a note: maybe you should mention them a few more times in the beginning so we know more about them.

So yeah :D There we are...this is going great so far!!! Keep going! :D :D :D :D

[tonyman]

ok im going to fix it now

[Monster ^.^]

I like the flow, and it has a good serious air about it! But I think the grammar needs a bit of a work out, after that, it's all go!

After the update, it was very much improved, though! :D

[tonyman]

thanks keep posted for new updates!

[Becca Bishop]

Heya! It's me the extremely annoying and nit-picky reviewer!!!! I'll just review as I read so this might seem a little scrambled. Oh well :P

-Don't use 'obviously' twice in the same sentence. Actually, try to use a large range and variety of words all the time when you're writing stories. Unlike poetry where repetitiveness helps cement the message, repeating things in stories and such just makes it seem as if you don't have any good words to substitute.
-You reiterate that the boy is scared. Don't need to do that twice. Just read the next sentence; you actually do it three times. Condense it down to one sentence and it will flow better.
-"Young but aged"? I don't quite understand.
-How can the boy tell that the armor is gold if the men are cloaked?
-Woah!!!! You're cloaked guy just put his head back on!!!! AWESOME!!!
-You repeat a lot of words in the same sentence. See above because I don't want to write it all down again.
-You switch from present to past tense a few times; might want to clean that up so it's not as confusing.
-Way to go, Tony! You kill those guys!
-Wow...that's a sickening turn of events. Morbidly fascinating that he just killed his own family. That's gonna leave some internal scars.

Ok, now that I'm done here's a little more feedback.
-Interesting story idea, first of all. I like the Grecian background you've got going on; that's always interesting.
-Tony is NOT developed as a character. I don't know anything about him besides his name (Tony) his age (16?) and that his father just got murdered in front of him. You need to fix this RIGHT AWAY!!! If your readers don't care for their main character then you might as well just kill him off and call the book toast. Toast...that sounds good. I'm starving. Anyway.
-Overall, interesting story idea. I'd like to read more and find out why he's hunting Zeus and why Tony and his family was targeted by the black beings. Does he have some kind of power or something? What will the loss of his sister and mother - at his hands, too - do to his mental stability? Will he go crazy and think only of revenge or will he go into shock or something?

Good job so far! Polish it up a bit. KEEP WRITING!!!! Or you'll be in trouble :P

[GhostlyAuthor]

Well, it's a very good start and the only issues I really see are grammatical, such as you put your periods in the wrong place. they go like this: (Sentence. Sentence), You are doing this:( Sentence .Sentence).

[tonyman]

I know there is grammatical errors but skip down to the part where it starts like this : Lights began to dance on the lids of his eyes as he, tried to swindle a few more moments of sleep. Somewhere in the distance a shrieking arouse, as the sound rang in his ears. He started to awaken startled by the sounds becoming louder until they reached outside his room. With, his curiosity peaked as usual Tony, decided to try and walk to the door of his room. Still wrapped in the bedspread he fell off his cot, striking his head on the hilt of his blade... Going to grab it he tipped it knocking into the inferno of the blazing bit of fire. He walked bobbing his head felting as if it were, swaying in a rapid tempest as a wimping willow, would as he stood.

[GhostlyAuthor]

Okay. Will do.