No Closure for a Verklempt Routine

“We are actually living in a million parallel realities every single minute.” ~ Marina Abramovic



In the beginning there came to be a kaleidoscopic explosion of moments, telescopliy extending to the next movement as a historical blueprint of energy’s wave; its mixture of errors left untamed, unnamed, just to be as they were.  The eternal occurrence of repetitive accidents are unable to be escaped, as the anti-establishment is yet another regrettable step towards the established.  Thus, we shall all frail and fray until the moment we fade...

As the young man sat, reading, on the wooden floor in his horribly lit living room, next to his fluorescent lamp in an almost bare apartment, he contemplated his future, or lack thereof.  An empty pill bottle was tipped over, capless, next to his still shoed foot; his laces were snugly tied.  The young man felt that he was out of place much like he was dreaming.  Was he?  He read the next passage from the book he was reading.

"*6.00 p.m. I can't say I feel relieved or satisfied; just the opposite, I am crushed.  Only my goal is reached: I know what I wanted to know; I have understood all that has happened to me since January.  The Nausea has not left me and I don't believe it will leave me so soon; but I no longer have to bear it, it is no longer an illness or a passing fit: it is I.*"


The young man suddenly stopped reading, as his eyes grew damp and his vision started to blur.  He felt that the narrative was his, that he had penned it himself.  However, the author was Jean Paul Sartre.  His favorite philosopher.  His thought was intense as he forcefully conjured up what he wanted to say out loud in his desolate apartment, while intensely sobbing:

"What is the f*****g point anymore?  My life will end in a sure defeat and all I ever build has failed and fell apart.  I am lost and have nothing to return too.  There is absolutely nothing left for me to do and my ego will not let me resolve this problem."

In both mind and body, Jason isolated himself in the darkness of his cave.  Sadly, he suffered from anxiety due to attachment issues.  He had a rough upbringing, as he had to play the musical chairs of foster care until he aged out of the system.  As nothing had ever remained stable for him, Jason was able to perfect the art of a doleful dance, further intensifying his unwanted loneliness.

Jason had approximately five-months of his twelve-month lease left at his eight-hundred square-foot loft on the far southeast edge of downtown.  He felt that he could not last another moment in his apartment, but had no where else to go.  Without closure, Jason was grieving from a recently ended nostalgic, love affair, as she felt that the "fling" was not serious enough to end properly.  He wept for hours over her knick-knack heart.  He enjoyed its possession.  However enchanted she may had been to Jason, her own commitment issues ensued space and her fear was greater then her happiness.

****Jason had not been sleeping or eating regularly for weeks.  Yet, he was very good at always presenting a pleasant disposition around others.  However, his co--workers could detect an unident

Jason had a distinct fear of being alone; yet, loneliness had always been his most sacred of mindsets.  He was comfortable there, but not this time.  He admired her language.  If only he was able to accept this as a gift of growth.  A sort of re-birth back into the endless possibilities of tomorrow, however, that was not how he was feeling.  Due to the room filling up with the beastie, passionate sounds of love from the neighbors upstairs, Jason grew agitated and forcefully lifted himself up to grab his phone that was charging across the room.  He wanted to text her, but didn't.  She had grown all but unavailable.

Just thirty-minutes-ago, Jason, madly, made a rash decision and plugged his phone into the wall-socket without another thought.  He just followed through with his much delayed plan.  At that time, the pill bottle remained full on his window ledge. He angled his posture to the wall for support, while resting in the dark corner on the south wall of his apartment that she had located seven-months prior for him, when beginnings were still new.

With only 33% of battery life, he was ready to follow through with his conclusion.  Jason had always preferred running on empty, as he accepted knowing that everything ended in a sure defeat.  He had pride in himself as he had accomplished so much.  However, without a return, Jason was no longer willing to be victorious over the repetitive defeat that had lasted the duration of his entire life, and grew discontented.  He merely hurried to his poorly charged phone in order to record his last message to the world: secretly, he wanted to follow through with ACT II, which had been written for her departure from his now lonely stage.

***Describe Jason's profession...a bleeding heart that, despite oppurtunities, assisted in approving others' life.  Describe his desire to help children not be alone in their struggle of a dysfunctional upbringing.

Despite intense effort on his part, Jason frivolously fought for control of his fate.  He actually believed in wishing, much like a four-year-old believing in Santa Clause.  He wished that she would suddenly walk through his door and rescue him from his now chosen fate.  There was still time.  She never did.

Jason had always been a transient at heart, however, time burned holes in his soul like burnt-down houses of insomniac couch dwellers smoking their fatal cigarettes.  As they hid away in their late-night 80s sitcoms and obnoxious infomercials, they were destined to forever rest entombed in the carbon waste of their ashy fate, much like the consequences Jason was soon to face.

For Jason, the struggle began a couple of weeks prior to the fourth Lunar Tetrad of Fall 2015. It was a holy ending to such a bittersweet chapter of his life, but he was unable to let go of the beginning of the struggle, which proceeded the third Lunar Tetrad from the Spring of the same year.  The relationship had sadly, blinded both Jason and Veronica from the light of their paths, much like the eclipse of the two full moons that recorded the beginning and end of their brief re-acquaintance.

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Jason was an avid reader.  He was well educated and romanticized his life within his journal entries.  During this time of struggle, his thoughts were collected in a well-worn leather bound journal that spanned the last five-years of his life.  He read the last few weeks of his entries, aloud.

### August 28, 2015: curious circumstances; consume consciousness; conduct upon the circuit...continuously conjuring concepts; the circus forever awaits: ALL SALES ARE FINAL.


### The populace continues to search for some great schema, just to miss the point.  It's here; it's now.  Gravity starts after my senses end; therefore, in order to feel the instant, I must take a leap of faith that the other is able to catch me.  To feel is to fall; it just depends how far you are willing to fall, cause in the end I will always fail to finish.  I am starting to feel that Veronica is distancing herself from me; it may just be that she is settling into her new job.


### September 4, 2015: I am currently taking Veronica and Charlie camping in Colorado.  I am super excited; however, I feel this is Veronica strategically ending our relationship.  All she needs to be is honest with me.  This self-sabotage is so common with her.  Such actions will certainly make her lonely at an old age.


### September 7, 2015: The camping trip was a disappointment!  Veronica had been completely unavailable the entire trip as she was sick.  I actually think there is more there.  I had a wonderful time with Charlie, nonetheless.


### September 19, 2015: Lately, I feel as though Veronica has grown bored of me.  It may just be my ego speaking, but the feeling is prominent nontheless.  I do sincerely love her; however, she has been reluctant to even give me a kiss lately.  Although, it may just be all in my head, it is from my head, that these entries come upon these pages.  Lack of honesty is all that I fear...well, that and being alone again.  Thus, I am experiencing my own difficulties with trust.  In order to resolve this I must continue to fight for what I want, which is currently the love I receive from her.  If I were to give up it would be giving up on myself and not her.  How pathetic this is.


### September 20, 2015: I had waited all week to see Veronica.  She blew me off this entire weekend.  So when she stated that I could come over to her house, I asked if I could make her dinner.  She arrived a hour late.  The food was cold and so was my heart.  As soon as she sat down at the table, she started to cry.  It ruined me instantly.  Every thing was expressed on her face.  She is over me.  She called it taking "space" in order for her to remember who she was.


### September 21, 2015: I was not incorrect with my assumptions in regards to Veronica losing interest.  We are now giving each other space.  There is nothing more that I can do.  I may have stayed my last night with her in my arms.  I don't want to be lonely once again; however, I want the best for her.  It surely saddens me but I've put forth my effort to ensure that my true feelings have been expressed.  I sent her a letter.  Titled: "A Work of Art is A Love Unable to be Denied.  She texted me a hour later, "Gosh, Jason.  I'm sure you know what that just did to me.  You couldn't have waited to send that until it didn't matter I was a complete mess? I love you."  It doesn't change anything. (put letter in appendix)


### Sadly, I am currently exhausted due to my attempts of feeling stronger than I really am.  I really don't know what to do! Thus, as I have no control, I must let go.  It really hurts that the love of my life no longer wants to be with me.  Honestly, why should she?  I am a nobody.  This all hurts really bad!  Now, I am stuck on this emotional roller coaster, but it was worth it.


### September 22, 2015: I have been unable to sleep since the 21st.  It is 1:05am.  This truly sucks!  There is nothing that I can do.


### It is 5:18am.  I have been unable to sleep all night.  Obviously, I have some things that I must work through.  My mind is so loud!  I am unable to tame these thoughts.  I need to overcome my greatest fear, which is being alone forever.  Thank you, Veronica.  Now, I know that I am not worth a damn!  Just a brief moment ago, I felt like I was in heaven; however, I guess humans cannot remain so high.  Life continues to torment me for all I feel now is despair.


### Why did I fool myself?  This "dream within a dream" has become a nightmare.  As I cannot maintain a relationship with a woman who happens to be unable to control her own emotions.  She has maintained the same pattern all these years.


### Despite getting absolutely no sleep, battling the terror of misperception and exposing my fear of being alone to myself, I feel much better and at peace.  I am not being held accountable and will be walking away unscathed by any regret.  I need to reassess as to what I really want.  I don't want to get stuck in the repeating pattern that Veronica has yet to escape.  She is imprisoned in a cycle of her own making and I, honestly, feel for her as I journeyed further and further down the rabbit hole of my night long reflection.  There is yet to be a conclusion, but it will come with time.


### 7.00 a.m. - How can I be with a woman when she has demonstrated that she has been unable to learn from her own past.  She appears to be in a hurricane of mistakes and is always self-sabotaging her life to unclear emotions and false desires.  Poor girl!  Will you ever become a woman?  I think Veronica is terrified of commitment and when she starts to consider it a possibility she self-sabotages her love.


### 4.27 p.m. - I've not been this low for sometime now.  The fall air smells of spring and I am not even able to experience its effect on my senses.  The thunder is crashing and frequent, I would have greatly enjoyed it, if only I could go back a week or two, then I'd surely enjoy it.  All the datum I have been perceiving has been cold and painful.  I truly feel like an utter failure....and although I hope, I have just as much doubt, that we will ever get back together.  Thus, this is the beginning of the end of Veronica and Jason.  This "us" didn't even get a proper funeral.


### September 23, 2015: Things have not gotten better, but at least I finally got some sleep.


### September 26, 2015: I took a lonely trip to the mountains to clear my head and think things through.  It did not help.  I, oddly enough, choose in a time of spontaneity to finally get a hotel in Colorado.  It was nice but the couple next door with screaming kids fought until four in the morning.  I just wanted to knock on the door and say, "CPS".


### The harvest sunset going west captivates, the air thins, within a moments notice, my senses clear.  Yet, the sunrise heading east restricts optimum optics and blinds me from my future.  Without this nest of tissue and bone, flight would have been confused with an anchor.  We should wear coffins for clothes.


### September 27, 2015: She wouldn't even part her lips when I went to kiss her.  She is avoiding me to extremes.  The Blood Moon is tonight.  Lets see if it will be super.  I am sure it will be a bore with unavailable company.  Why did I even make an effort to view this with her?!  Oh that's right.  This event is for my closure.  What a beautiful timeline that this affair has been.  She is through.


### October 1, 2015: I am sitting in the hospital room of my dying uncle.  His older brother and younger sister, my grandmother, are here.  The memories cause a spark that allows them to set out of their dementia.  They appeared to be as the children they were as they told stories that occurred throughout their lives.  It is really difficult to sit here. I do wish Veronica could've let me down easier.  But sorrow is that of life.


### October 2, 2015 at 9pm-ish: I will be at fourty-eight hours without speaking to Veronica.  I think I can hold off speaking to her for a month. Once that is accomplished, I am sure that I would be fine with just being good friends.  I will miss her beautiful naked body, but that is whatever.  I truely just need good friends and then this world will be nice.  That is if I am able to collect my thoughts and, hopefully, dream of new dreams.


### mihi in odio est

### Where are we, ennui? I've searched the modern cues for purpose - yet only gained purpose by denying purpose.  Thus, I am hateful for I only affirm what I negate.


### Don’t fall victim to force without purpose; singularity would obviously be quite lonely.  Love is not bi-conditional, but shared through a mirror.  So be certain about what you love ‘cause you are the only one who can communicate its truth, never to be verified by the other.  On authority alone... What if consciousness arises only because of a protein?  Proteins are catalyst that emulsify a degree of reality... What was once merely customary has now become an obligation.  I have a difficult time with logic, due to the fact that I am a destroyer of habits - for routine is not living but staying alive.


### Criticize the conduct!  A paternal pedestal possessing power.  My actions appear to exhibit a non-linear system where along the lines a perceptual bifurcation occurs to present two identities from one truth, where one is translated and the other is transcribed.  This is realism as full-frontal nudity.


### 10:41pm - It's kind of funny.  I get home and the thought that Veronica will be coming over instantly pops into my mind.  Oh well... I guess no worries.  I am probably better off alone.  I figured that this would happen in the beginning.  I still had fun, nevertheless.  Nothing lasts forever.  I will miss her being around though.  Maybe we could be friends after a little bit.  Right now, I can not respect the fact that she has not been honest with me.  I have trust issues and she just blames in on her.  It doesn't work like that.  Okay enough about her for right now.


### October 3, 2015 - I feel that I will remember the joy from your honest face, when your eyes said everything and your smile was genuine but, I will never forget how your frown was so deceptive.


### October 4,2015: I saw Veronica today.  Our paths crossed while driving.  I don't think she noticed me, but there she was and looking quite beautiful.  I miss her very much but I cannot make a decision for her and she no longer appears to want me around.  I am depressed.  I don't know what to do.  I love her and that is how this thought ends.  Farewell Veronica and good luck.


### According to my phone, since August 19,2015, I've only been to Veronica's place twenty-six times.  So depressing!


### October 5, 2015:  I am amazed by this domino effect of behavior.  I retract my pursuit to gain a lady’s hand.  Forever would I remain… looking, yearning, for the chance to once again maintain love within the illusion of the present.  If the Phi pattern wants me to possess it then I just may… however, until then, I have what I have… only me!  I guess one should never judge by their own standards.


### When a pattern becomes universal, the pattern is no longer sought after.  Therefore, such a pattern falls in the fashion of being bottlenecked and through evolution, loses the game, which may lead to its extinction; its inevitable end.


### October 6, 2015: I think I am hating Veronica now.  It sucks that hatred teaches one unconditional love.  She changed drastically and now is a bore.  I need to just move on and let go.


### I often wonder… and with such a stark statement, how could I push one to further meaning?!  Wonder, to me, is curosity.  Or is it just doubt - a lack of faith?  Is this weird in such modern times where we no longer choose to enter the hamster wheel?  It feels like the wheel was in motion as I entered it… who was running?


### The rhythm of time is exactly this feeling… that I mentioned above.  As a child my patterns began with meaningless seeds that when placed delicately within the soil of my becoming, fed into the twisted vines of humanity.. However, the once rich soil is now depleted as s**t can only feed s**t for so long…


### Therefore, I wonder - and at that too much " due to the fact that I lack meaning.  Nonetheless, I have become a great gardener.  So I know that my wonder is anything but a lack of faith… I explore life; I don’t doubt it.


### October 7, 2015: I don't know how to say this, but whoever she is now, I don't know who she is.  She feels so cold and superficial.  I don't know how to be friends with her.  I am only saying this because this is who she appears to be and how she is communicating to me.  This is not what I want to be a part of.  So have fun and farewell, Veronica.


### It's funny, but everyone at work is worried about me.  I haven't told anyone that Veronica basically broke up with me.  However, everyone is saying I've drastically changed in my behavior and they are concerned.  They say I don't talk and have been very moody.  I'm surprised that this has affected me as such.  Truth is, I'm just not happy anymore.


### October 8, 2015:  Good morning, Universe.  unio mentalis...Onwards to the race of infinity..regressus ad uterum.  Self-regulation is needed as my inner authority has become reckless.  Thus, I fear Heaven and the satisfaction of being alone.  What would my haven be if not a place to hide?  Am I only going to be lonely in this servitude, forever?!


### I guess I am as single as individually wrapped cheese.  She says she is sorry.  I really don't care anymore, everything ends.


### Today is the beginning of Charlie's ninth-year of life.  I think that is pretty cool; in addition to Veronica becoming who she seeks to be, I had a good time this last... well, two years of correspondence.  Thus, I've been in her life for four years, give or take; I think it is certainly time to move on... as I should have when I first acknowledged her commitment issues.  Nah!  It was great, but as always with people who have commitment issues, how come they have to be so sudden?  I deleted our texts today.  There wasn't much there... just a bunch of superficial emoji icon, bullshit.  A few romantic aphorisms and a bunch of now meaningless jargon.


### October 9, 2015: So regardless of Veronica, I feel confident that I now know what love means.  A commitment to be there when needed, if possible.  True love is only the function of a story played out over a lifetime.  Unconditional love overrules the sum of all actions of the 'other', be it child, friend, lover, parent.  I don't know about you but I would die for my children, as for the others, I would gladly take a non-fatal bullet.  Sorry!


### I am going to end this chapter in my life, by expressing what love is for me and what pain is experienced when having to act out that love with all its bittersweet sentiments.  It has been a hectic month.  I am forever left to rot in my prison of indecision.  I feel naked.  Utterly stripped of my belongings and yearning to isolate my exposed self.  This is what a subject must feel like without an object to relate to.


### I am getting tired now.  I need to wake up early tomorrow morning.  I did want to acknowledge that I did f**k up out of curiosity.  Her secrecy will be the end of her.  I wish her the best in life and would honor her friendship once sought.  I would consider her a lifetime friend, if even possible.  However, she was unable to be honest with either of us.


### It is bedtime... I hope to not wake up!


### October 10, 2015 at 3:23am:  This will be my last entry in this faithful journal. Goodbye.