Smoke

Your breath is smoke in the wind.

Smoke comes from fire, there's a fire within your chest.

Burning, slowly churning, charring,

smoking like ham in a smokestack.

Like a cigarette: red-lit tip and a nicotine addiction.

There's tar in your lungs,

pitch-black lined like a dark night.

And you can't seem to breathe right,

filling your nose a strange scent

like your inhaling interment incense.

And it doesn't make sense.

But neither does death, but that's just life isn't it?

And the highs are too short.

So you do another line and you're fine

for a little while more.

Until you wake up in a cold room

sprawled out on a wood floor.

Unable to recall who you are.

And it doesn't make sense.

But neither does love, but that's just life isn't it?

And the days are too short,.

But you're awake through the night,

and you don't dream any more.

And you're drowning in the lies

you tell yourself when you're sober.

But you're never sober any more.

But you've never felt this strong before.

And it doesn't make sense,

but life never really did, and you're over it.

Reviews

[Rick Puetter]

Yes, life doesn't make sense. Trying to make sense of things, though, is a human trait that is so hard to shake. Still, this is a cause of much misery. No, it doesn't make sense and we need to learn to accept that and stop railing against the wind.

I also don't have any problem with the word "more" being repeated. Indeed, I think the usage is very appropriate and parallels the repeated loss of self, e.g., dreams, sobriety, etc. So I like this, in fact.

Best regards,

Rick

[Beau Maysey]

I like this poem, very dark and smooth.
the rhymes are crafted well, the parallel structure is nicely-timed, the narrative makes sense… good job! :D
only thing is that 'more' is repeated very often at the end of lines. thats about all i can think of though

[Grace Marie]

overall I really like it. The one suggestion I have is that a few lines rhyme but the rest don't. I'd say either put a pattern to the rhyming or take it out. Other than that it was a really strong poem and I enjoyed reading it :)

[Matching Socks]

Very nicely written. 👍
Thumbs up.