Beloved

81 days. Almost three months. That’s how long it has been since I last saw you. That memory of your last breath never ceases to leave my thoughts and it always leaves me a little shaken. Since the day you were diagnosed to the day you took that last earthly breath, I prayed a prayer of healing. I didn’t want you to go so soon. I wanted you to be able to witness the great things that were yet to come in my life because your mother never got to witness the beautiful things that were to come in your life. So I prayed that prayer. The day I found out you were diagnosed with that pollution that threatened to take life, I was livid. How could this happen to someone who did nothing but love her kids regardless of what they did and want nothing but the best for them?  At the time I wasn’t saved. I didn’t know God. But He knew me and He wanted to increase in my life for reasons I don’t know to this day. So while I went through the rebellious stages of teenage youth and watched as you got weaker, I slowly felt myself sink because it felt like I lost the hold on the wall that would have had the slight holes in it to catch me. I didn’t know what to do. Yes on the outside I was all smiles because that’s just who Tiana was, but on the inside I hated and rebuked everyone because they didn’t know what I was feeling or what I was going through. This woman who I worshiped and loved with my all was dying internally and there was nothing I could do. I didn’t know how much time I had left so I tried so very hard to be the best daughter I could be even though that failed at times. When you went into remission I almost died from joy. I loved the fact that you fought that war with your all. You did everything you could. You were, are, so strong. It inspired me. And it made me think. That was the first night I really heard God speak to me. It made me wonder if He was really real. That one word, “SERVE” shook me to the core but it didn’t scare me away. It brought me closer. I didn’t really understand what it meant at the time. I knew there was a God and yes I would claim that I was a Christian and that I knew Him, but in reality I only knew of Him. We hardly ever went to church back then. But when my best friend introduced me to this church, I never thought I would be sucked in with the power of love all of those people possessed. I instantly fell in love with that church and wanted to come back. I wanted you to attend also but you refused. However, you let me go. You never kept me away from what was soon to become a part of my lifestyle and a part of yours also.

            As I got more involved with this God filled church, you wanted to hear all of the stories about it. I was happy to tell you and invite you, but you still wouldn’t come. The pollution had come back this time in a different place and I was devastated, but for some reason, I was not as angry. Everyone at church knew of you and always prayed for you. I tried to pray but my relationship wasn’t quite there yet. So the days went by where I would go with you into that cold room and watch as the chemotherapy took the energy from your eyes. You thought I didn’t notice but I’m an observant person. You tried to make talk and we would laugh about the craziest things. You were my #1 best friend. Sigh. I told you about all the things that were going on at church. My excitement for this church made you excited and you eventually attended a few times. I was so happy. You didn’t like being the center of attention and when you were put on the spot I could sense your tension and nervousness but you didn’t let it show and you gave your smile and that just made my day. I was happy that you approved of this church and you kept coming back even though you were weak. I hated seeing that look on your face. I never wanted a memory of you being weak. I hated what was slowly killing your vessel. My first sincere prayer to God shocked me because I didn’t expect to feel the shock of my spirit move inside of me and I didn’t expect Him to immediately answer me. I wanted you to be peaceful. I wanted you to be healed. I wanted everything to go back to normal. Only 2/3 of those wishes came true.

            One day while at church, there was an announcement of a revival that was going to take place on June 8-10. At first you didn’t think it was a good idea to go. We didn’t have the funds. But the church was nice enough to help us out and we ended up going. I was so happy. I didn’t know what to expect. During that revival my heart was opened, my eyes were opened. I didn’t know I could feel that way or be so overwhelmed with the love of God. I knew you felt the same way. I gave my life to God and that empowered my faith in Him and my trust that He would answer my prayers. I prayed for you so much mom. I just knew you would be a walking miracle. As my faith increased that year, I saw you getting weaker. It didn’t take me long to realize you were losing weight. Then you began to lose your balance a lot. I was in denial; I would always think you were faking. You just wanted attention and wanted us to take care of you like you have done for us so many times. These were selfish thoughts and I knew deep down that you were sick and it was getting worse. I got upset with God because I felt like if He didn’t care about you, He didn’t care about me. One day you got really sick and I was the only one awake. Your doctor told you to come in and it was just me and you packing your bag because we knew they were going to keep you. I drove you to the hospital and stayed with you all night. That night I silently prayed to God, apologizing for my selfish thoughts, asking for forgiveness, spending time waiting for Him to answer. That was the time where I felt like I had no one except God to comfort me.

            When you were released from the hospital everything seemed to go back to normal except you were unable to walk without a walker and you couldn’t walk for long periods of time. Even through these weaknesses you were still there to see me leave for college, something you never got to do. You would always tell me how proud you were to live your life through me. You would tell all your friends on Facebook about your Tiana. I was so happy that you were proud of the things I accomplished. I accomplished them for you and I vowed that I would graduate college for you. I would be successful for you. During my first semester in college I was so home sick. I was worried about you and almost wanted to go home and stay with you. Every time I called, I could hear the smile in your voice and I would tell you everything. You loved my stories. I would even tell you the things most teenage girls are embarrassed to tell their moms. But I wasn’t ashamed or afraid to let you know how I feel and I loved that I could be real and not hide things from you. I loved our relationship. When I came home for winter break, I noticed the changes in your body and it broke my heart but I didn’t say anything.  I was home, and we were spending time as a complete family. I commended my little brother. He was the only one still at home to take care of you. He didn’t go out and hang with his friends. He did all the work around the house. And he didn’t complain.  We were going to make Christmas dinner for you and I knew you were going to love it. But little did I know you had a surprise up your sleeve also. You rung your bell and my brother and I came in. You told us you were thinking about giving one of your famous rings away to a friend as a wedding gift and wanted to know which one you should give her. My brother didn’t think you should give any of your rings away. “What do you think na pooh?”  you asked, calling me by one of my many nicknames. I told you that if you really trusted that person to give them something like that and if it would make you happy then you should. You took my hand put a ring on my finger and asked “Will you marry me Tee?” You caught me completely off guard and I was so surprised and happy. Of course I said yes lol. You told me that if any man ever wanted me as his wife, he would have to come to you first because we are one. This memory filled me with so much joy. I cry every time I think about it. You are so great mama.

            Towards the end of my break you got sick again. It was late and I was going to drive you to the hospital. I tried to hold your arm while we walked you to the car but you shook me off and as you did you lost your balance and fell. I could see the pain on your face and a piece of me fell internally. I struggled a little to pick you up. You wanted me to leave you on the floor. You couldn’t even get all of your words out; you were in so much pain. I finally managed to get you in the car and I rushed you to the hospital. You stayed in the hospital until the day of your death. I was back at school and for some reason I was really emotional that day. One of my friends told me that a girl had to go back home because her mother died. I instantly knew that was a sign from God and I didn’t want it to be true. But God has held me above water for so long so why wouldn’t He this time. He never brought me through anything I couldn’t handle but this was test I was going to have to go through. That night my aunt called me and told me I needed to come home. She said you were at the point where we couldn’t hear you speak anymore. I felt like I was going to lose it. I went home and they brought you home in an ambulance. They set up your bed in my old room. When I saw you laying there tears immediately came to my eyes. I continued to pray to God. I would not lose sight of Him during that time. I asked how you were and even though I didn’t hear you I saw your lips move and you said “pretty good”. I gave you a tassel that a friend of mine gave me and placed it next to you. I told you I would be back because I was going to bible study that night.

            While I was at bible study I instantly broke down. I didn’t know if I could do it. I could barely stand or walk. I knew that you weren’t going to be in your vessel anymore after that day and I didn’t know anything else to do but pray to God. I needed strength and good memories of you. I remembered all the stories you told me; all of our good times together. I felt the power of God in me and I knew that the rest of my family needed me to hold them up. With the strength of God resting in me, I went back home to find everyone sitting in the living room. They told me a nurse was on the way to look at you. I went to your room to find you struggling to breath. I was shocked. Two hours ago you were breathing fine. I held your hand and I could see the tassel in your other hand. I told you I was here and you looked at me. I held your hand and I told you all the stories of the past. Then I left because the nurse was there to tell us what was going to happen. How long you were going to live. She predicted a week. You got worse. She then predicted a few days. You got worse. Then she said you wouldn’t make it through the night and I already knew that. No doctor can predict when God will take His child. When it happened, I wasn’t in the room. I was afraid to see you take your last breath. When I went in there my entire family was weeping and I couldn’t stand to see to them so torn. I held on to my brothers and my sister. I held on to my aunts and my cousins. I told them it was going to be alright. My spirit was so shaken. I could literally feel the power of the Holy Spirit in me because I knew where you were. I knew who took you. That vessel was just temporary; your spirit was everlasting. Even though my flesh was devastated and sad, my spirit was awakened and it made me cling to my family even more and pray for God’s strength over them even though they didn’t know Him like I knew Him. I know where you are mama. And I thank God for answering 2/3 of my prayers. I thank God for giving you peace and I thank Him for healing you. My life will never be the same now that you are gone but I’m glad it won’t be because I’m turning into a stronger woman and believer of Christ. Yes I still get sad from time to time but I can do that because I’m human. It took me a long time to realize that it is okay for me to be sad and have a bad day. But at the end of every bad day God is there to comfort us and I’m happy that you are with Him.

            In saying all of this I just want to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day mom. You are truly missed and I wish that you were here. But I know that you are in a spiritual sense and that I will see you again. You are the best mother and friend that I could have ever had and I thank God for times that we had together. I will keep all the promises I made to you and to myself. I will visit you every day that I am able to. Thank you for loving me, for taking care of me, for teaching me, for sharing all of these memories with me. I will never forget you and I will strive to accomplish the goals I set for us. You are a great mother and for that you will forever be loved.