Catching a New Glimpse

I remember being in a relationship, that I felt completely trapped in for a pretty long time. He had blamed me for a lot of things that had happened in his life. He was also a very toxic person in my mine, at which he blamed me for a drug addiction that he still continues to hide. Everyone around him knew that he had an addiction including me, but his lies had taken up a substantial amount of my time. Eventually, after sticking around in a very pernicious relationship for about another two years I had finally found myself leaving the relationship. I had to break up with him over the phone, because every other time he had some how coerced me into staying. I had found myself so many times afterwards grasping on to the fact that it wasn't real. Maybe for me, but not for whoever I thought he was. He was the one person I had opened up to and when he was gone I felt as if my world had shattered into a hundred little pieces, like a vase that is so shattered that it just can not be mended up to amount to anything anymore. It had felt like I had put my palms out with my entire world in them for him to hold on to and he had just grasped my palms just enough for me to think it was real in such a short amount of time. He had then crushed everything into something I didn't really recognize anymore. The person who I was then I could never really seem to find, and even now almost a year later I still have trouble recognizing myself in a mirror. It always has bothered me how you can put your entire being into someone for them to just destroy you and leave, leave as if you were nothing, and all the things they said were meaningless words weaved inside empty phrases that should have had meanings but instead they came with a bundle of hurt, that was it my life had then seemed as it had no meaning. When you put your whole being into something for four years and then come out of it with nothing you feel pretty empty.. And, I can promise you I did feel pretty empty. Until I met someone new.. All the hurt that the previous boy had left me with slowly mended. I was slowly getting better, and the new boy had came into my life out of nowhere it seemed. He too had just came out of a very bad relationship filled with lies, hurt, guilt, mind games and so much more. Time was not in our favor at all and unfortunately when one of us was soon to be ready for a relationship the other was not. Things went on and me and the new guy had seen each other in and out of relationships or in the 'talking phases with girls or guys,' but neither of us had ever truly seemed like that was what we wanted. He as well was or writer or for this matter still is, and for us writers all we know is our words. But, every time I had talked to him I completely lost all the words I had thought I once knew. We had went from being strangers to him meaning so much to me in a matter of days. I had thought I knew what love once was with the first boy who had taken advantage of my heart. But, here was the thing he was a boy not a man. Loving him was the only thing that I had ever really felt good at, but he never once showed me my full potential. My definition of love was being thrown in the middle of the ocean being pulled under deeper and deeper each time, and I would always find myself hoping there was something about a different day that would make all of it different. The thing was I was hoping for something out of my ex-boyfriend that he couldn't ever really give me. You see you find yourself looking for something in someone that they can't really provide. My ex boyfriend for example was so consumed with the idea of drugs that he could never really be consumed with me. The new man I could say has shown me my full potential even if we did take months to finally be where we should be to form a relationship, or start something together. Out of this whole experience of being in love, to falling out of love, and potentially finding love again I can say one things very clearly. Things will mend, you will heal. Whether it take days, months, or years. You will be standing in the shower thinking 'what if this is for the rest of my life' to 'I hope this is for the rest of my life.' Out of experience I can tell you things do get better, you just have to hold on for the ride.