Your Beauty Mocks The Roses

How dare I compare you

to a rose? You are so much

more than something that

will fade.

 

Your smile is engraved

in my soul and your scent

lingers in my nose.Your voice

plays like a lullaby in my head.

 

And though you

are gone I still have

hope that I will

see you again. I know that

death will have no hold on me once I

go to heaven.

 

I know one day I

will be in heaven with you, praising God

like we did on earth. You went to

the four corners of the earth to tell

the Good News.

 

Your beauty mocks

the roses. You have a

wonderful soul

and I’m jealous that heaven

has you.

 

You will last longer than

any rose. I'm glad to know your life

will live on. Your Godly

message will bring many to Him.

 

Author's Note

Tell me if there is any mistakes.

4th place
Jul 28, 2011

* Story/poetry time
* Your Beauty Mocks The Roses

Reviews

[GamingGal]

Pros: Huh, I was surprised to see religion wound in with the lines. A good surprised, though. You told a good story and your imagery was nice and pleasant. I like how you took comparing beauty to a rose and ran in a different direction with it. That was a good twist.

Cons: None.

Overall: An interesting piece.

[Margaret Marie Hubbard]

Very sad feelings in this one, loss and desire. btw-I play vampire wars too, lol

[Penulis Kecil]

You have some really beautiful lines in here, and your opening is particularly powerful. That said, though, I feel like the way you've broken the lines up really detracts from the piece. Unconventional line breaks are a great poetic device when used correctly, but I believe there needs to be a sense of deliberation in the use of them. I was taught once that in a rhymeless poem, line breaks are generally "pauses". I feel like your poem has the potential to be much more powerful if these breaks were better considered.

There were a couple of minor grammatical/spelling errors, too:
"How dare I compare you to a rose" should read as a question, not a statement
"more then something that" should be "more than something that"

All in all, this is a good piece with the potential to be even better. Thank you for sharing it!

[shadowtigers]

This is a wonderful piece, your words are hauntingly beautiful.

[Tina Kline]

Very beautiful in words and in the message. This is great.

[Moflo]

I do like your opening line a lot. That really makes this piece in my opinion.

[Brianna]

I'm not much of a writer, but to me this is a great piece of work :) I kind of need to learn more of my mistakes and how to fix them before I try to critique someone elses poems, but I'll try to come back to this one once I know more :D Well in other words, I think you did a great job!

[Cynthia]

Nice job!

[OT]

nice!! a few tiny mistakes as you've asked but Dinesh has pointed them out - just some syntax confusion - easily fixed!! I like the poem, sweet and straight to the point!! nice descriptions! I quite liked it!!

[Luchia Noname]

that was beautiful. i wish someone would say something that nice to me