An Ode to Mr Lonely

A real story written in the form of fiction. The very beginning of a story.

“I wanna know your deepest darkest vice,” he said, in a drunken slur with the eyes of a madman.

“I’ll tell you mine… my worst vice is pride, second is gluttony. Whats yours?”

She looked away from his piercing eyes nervously: “I don’t know, that’s a pretty intense question. You shouldn’t ask me these questions Albert.” Albert was her mother’s friend. Her mother and him went on a date once. He came back to the house after and anxiously went through an entire pack of cigarettes, proceeding to squeeze the 3 cans of beer he drank. They were so crushed after he drank them you could have used them as coasters. After the date, Jasmine remembers her mother saying "next time he'll crush me!" That was the last time they saw him, until that night ofcourse.

The whole scene was just like it was presented in the movies. It was dark and lit with a blue light that gave it that trashy edge. There wasn’t one person in the bar you would want to associate with beyond that very moment. They were all either drug dealers, traffickers or prostitutes. And of course “the lonely white male.” He serves as the basis of this whole operation. That keeps this whole thing moving.

Albert fits precisely into this category. There was something deeply tragic about him as he sat there drunk and probably high at 4 in the morning on a Tuesday. Talking about his “vices” in this very guilt ridden Christian way. His perversion both fascinated and repulsed Jasmine simultaneously.

She thought about possible childhood traumas that could have lead him to this stage. Maybe he was touched up by a priest? Sexually molested by his father? Perhaps his father was an alcoholic who beat him and then proceeded to molestation? “Why do I keep returning to molestation?!” She shook her head, in an attempt to rid herself of silly thoughts.

Ironically, the exploiter of the “lonely white male,” and of global inequality, eg. the Trafficker (let’s just call him that for the rest of this story), seemed more trustworthy and kinder than Albert.

Author's Note

This beginning is non-fiction, but I want to turn it into a short story and add fictional elements. Just wanted to get some initial feedback from this introduction. Also since this is the first time I have written in the format of fiction.

Reviews

[Leon C]

I enjoyed this and wanted to know more.
There is a nice atmosphere of foreboding and dread.
However the atmosphere is punctured in a couple of places with 'ill judged word use'. I'm not sure the thoughts were 'silly'. I think you need to find something a bit darker to maintain the darkness and foreboding.
But having said that keep on going, this is good.

[walkingdollhouse]

yeah, i agree! that was the one part i was unsure about, because of the shift in tone. finishing another piece currently, but will definitely not forget this story.

[sinNsincerity]

I really enjoyed this piece and I do believe you can make it into a really good short story if you used more literary tools like you said. =D
I, myself, really never liked writing stories till I took a class on Creative Nonfiction and I fell in love with the idea of writing true stories with fictional tools and many others. There are no real rules when writing in this style. Put aside the fact that the stories have to be true...
Keep writing!

[walkingdollhouse]

thanks for the review! will take into consideration your points and keep writing it :)

[Samuel Dickens]

It's pretty good, but I think it could be better. It's your baby, so look it over and see if you can smooth out some of the wording. "madmen"--should be "madman".

[walkingdollhouse]

Thanks alot, and will do so!

[Samuel Dickens]

I should've said more. This being your first time to write fiction, I'd say you're way ahead of the game. Also, I think it's a great introduction to the longer work you're intending to write. If you'd like, I could edit it for you, to show by example the things I previously mentioned.

[walkingdollhouse]

Thank you very much, that would be really helpful. I will contact you when I finish writing it